This week on Ask a Pro: Head Pro comes back from a rainy week in St. Kitts to find that things are even gloomier in his inbox.
Dear Head Pro,
It's my second year in college and during my first year, one of my best betches introduced me to her guy friends and I totally clicked with one. Let me add, he's a total pro/fratty/douche/asshole but I always seem to go for those types anyways. A betch has her weaknesses. So we started texting like every second of every day and I realized he's not as much of an asshole as he gives off. We hung out a lot and if I got too drunk, he always let me crash in his bed and didn't mind when I told him i'm not into casual sex – very rare for a pro. Fast forward, and one of my friends reveals he has a girlfriend. Total turn off. So I confronted him, cos like betches have some kind of conscious (right ?) and he kind of made it seem like a not so big deal and told me he was ending it. Not that I wanted to like be in a relationship but I didn't wanna encroach on another betch's turf so I told him I'm too like hot to be someone's side hookup. After this, he kept texting me to the point where it was like “ugh” and every time I get hammered, I drunkenly text him to hook up and the next morning sober up and regret it more than a diet of carbs. And now I go out and see him with his same girlfriend, and he like still hits on me. Skeezy and awkward. I'm just like in the weirdest space. What's a betch to do ?
Confused but amused
Dear Confused but Amused,
Before I get too far, let me just say that I am not, nor have I ever really been, a shining beacon of moral integrity when it comes to my personal life. Have I done similar things to girls, especially when I was a young bro who only cared about padding his stats and being the center of attention? Of course. That said, I’m here for you betches, so let’s sort this out.
I’m not really sure what about this is confusing, and I certainly don’t see what’s amusing about this for you. You say you aren’t having sex, so I can only assume your trysts involve some drunken fingerblasting (the most eloquent way to refer to foreplay). Sordid, maybe a little unseemly? Sure, but certainly not confusing. This bro just wants some extra attention on the side, and he has a girlfriend clueless enough to let him get away with it. In that regard, he’s winning like it’s his job.
As far as the amusement, I guess you can think it’s funny that you blow him off and then get thirsty for dick whenever you get hammered, and that’s fine, you’re entitled to your sense of humor. But given that you wake up feeling like a bag of smashed assholes after every time you guys play gyno, maybe it’s time you take things into your own hands (feel free to make an HJ joke there if you’d like). Do you want to be the betch who’s some bro’s sidepiece who doesn’t even have the balls to just be single, or do you want to have some self-respect?
The difficulty here is that according to you, you’re the one who initiates these late-night hookup seshes, so just deleting his number won’t do and blocking it would make things awk. Instead, use the patented two-pronged (again, sex joke) approach that bros use to get rid of slampieces that are past their experation date. The first phase is to nut up and get mean. When he texts you sober, instead of ignoring him, fire back with something like “Dude, stop texting me. You have a girlfriend” or “Seriously? You’re pathetic.” Delete his number, and every time he texts delete the messages. When he texts again, ask “who is this?” There’s nothing more demoralizing to a bro than knowing that the girl you thought you had on lockdown doesn’t even know who you are.
Keep deleting the texts, and if the timing’s right, there won’t be any trace of him in your phone to text when things get fuzzy. That’s the second prong of the attack: If you don’t have his number and he’s too humiliated to text you, you can’t very well text him for a booty call, now can you?
Kisses on the Side,
So I'm a high school senior and have never had much luck with guys. Every guy I've ever been with has fucked me over big time. My best friend since Jr. High has liked me for awhile, I've rejected him so many times and he even went so far as fighting one of the guys that I used to date. Fast Forward a year, my best friend is now the best looking guy in the school (and is getting a little cocky), not to mention jacked and star of the football team. So since I'm a total betch I said what the fuck and started hooking up with him. Its been about a month now and we fuck basically every weekend. It's not a secret because everyone in the school basically knows and we flirt nonstop. But this is where the problem sets in. I thought we could just be fuck buddies. But I now developed feelings for him and like him a lot. How dumb am I right? Anyways, we do hangout sober sometimes and like watch movies with some friends and cuddle, but besides that we don't text or anything. I can't tell if he still has feelings for me or what. I feel like I lost my chance to be with him but I'm not sure. What do I do now?
In love with my best friend
Dear in Love with my Best Friend,
I get a lot of emails from high school betches in training, and I usually delete them. They’re either too long, too trivial, or too boilerplate to warrant anything you guys would want to read. Plus, I don’t want to be any more condescending than I usually am, so instead of fighting the urge I just delete them. I figured I’d make an exception this week though, because barely-legal betches need love too.
For one thing, your friend getting jacked and becoming the star of the football team doesn’t make him a different person or a badass. It just means he has a working pituitary gland. To someone who just met him sure, maybe he has all the makings of a future bro/frat star, but the problem is that to anyone who grew up with him (you), he’s still the pathetic loser who lusted after a girl who constantly rejected him and tried to fight the guys she chose instead. For bros, fighting is reserved for serious issues like beer pong superiority, frat pride, sports team allegiance, and the occasional instance where some loser likes your girlfriend and won’t get the fucking message any other way (see above).
With that in mind, it’s not “totally betchy” to pull a 180 and start banging this guy because he’s all of a sudden more popular. Of course he’s not going to text you much or put in a lot of effort – you fucking made a fool out of him for the better part of a decade. Now that he has a taste of how the other half lives, why wouldn’t he just take what you were offering and then see what else was out there? Also, and not to get too preachy, but the whole “friends with benefits” thing is kind of an adult theme that betches way older than you struggle to negotiate successfully. You’re 17 or 18, which is prime time for getting caught up in all the feelings and emotions that come with your first love and sexual experiences. It sounds like you realize that now, which is good, but as someone who never had much luck with guys, my advice would be to crawl before you walk (walking, in this instance, being casual sex).
Every once in a while, life does in fact mimic ‘80s movies, and the ugly duckling does grow into a swan. Only this time, instead of the hot antagonist “seeing what they were missing” and coming out ahead, you got burned. It’s ok, it happens. Stay friends if you want, but don’t forget that underneath the new packaging, this is still the same loser who was stuffing notes in your locker in 8th grade.