I like to think of my friends’ boyfriends as background characters. I don’t remember any significant details about their lives unless they’re in some sort of relation to my girl. Otherwise, I’d probably forget (or at least try to forget) that they exist. So what happens when one of these insignificant NPCs does something as jarring and memorable as making a pass at you? Your immediate knee-jerk reaction may be “kill him,” but it’s a lot more complicated than that.
On an online UK forum called Mumsnet, a 54-year-old woman shared that after she divorced her husband for infidelity, she found out that he had asked out two of her close friends on a date — while they were still married. How did she find out? These two friends (who didn’t know each other) had confessed to the ex-husband’s behavior after finding out she was divorcing him.
The internet was divided in its reactions. On the one hand, people rushed to the defense of their friends. I mean, how often do conversations that are essentially “Hey, your husband hit on me” go well for the friend? Wives may be inclined to believe their husbands over their friends, lash out at their friends due to embarrassment, or confront the husband, who, as a result, may decide to reach out to the friend to accost them. And realistically, will she leave her husband for hitting on you? Probably not. So, what does that mean for your friendship with her going forward? I don’t know about you, but all of these outcomes sound awful.
But for the other half of the commenters, this isn’t enough reason to not be open and honest with your friend. How much time and heartbreak could they have saved their friend had they been honest about her husband’s indiscretions? And how is the woman supposed to continue a meaningful, trusting relationship with friends who don’t even bother to be upfront about something as crucial as her husband asking them out on dates?
It’s a difficult line to tow, but you don’t have to do it alone.
How Do I Know My Friend’s BF Is Being Inappropriate?
If you have an inkling that your friend’s boyfriend is flirting with you, I totally get the feeling that you’re losing your mind. But at the end of the day, you kind of have to believe your gut.
“If the behavior makes you uncomfortable, happens repeatedly, or seems to be testing boundaries, it’s likely inappropriate,” licensed therapist and mental health expert Jordanne Sculler, LMHC, tells Betches. “Trust your instincts — if something feels off, it probably is.”
But if you’re not super trusting of your own instincts, Sculler explains that there are some pretty obvious tells that a friend’s partner is doing too much.
Any sort of physical contact that feels unnecessary (touching your lower back, your thigh, or leaning in too closely), is pretty much always inappropriate. It’s also a red flag if they’re giving you super intimate compliments or texting you late at night.
How Do I Shut Down Their Advances Without Making A Huge Deal?
Once you’ve convinced yourself you’re not going crazy, the next step is figuring out WTF you want to do about it. If talking to your friend feels too daunting or “dramatic” in your head, you can always try little things to embarrass — I mean, dissuade your friend’s partner from continuing with whatever inappropriate behavior he’s been getting away with.
“Nonverbal cues and direct but casual responses can send a strong message without direct confrontation,” Sculler says.
Physically distancing yourself from your friend’s partner is always a good first step. If you see that they’re next to you or gravitating toward your vicinity, put a lot of space between you two or just move away from them entirely.
When it comes to things they’re saying, Sculler suggests using humor to deflect. Also, bring up your friend (you know, their literal girlfriend) up as often as possible. And for texts? You can literally just ignore them.
How Do I Tell My Friend Her BF Keeps Hitting On Me?
If your friend’s boyfriend is like a cockroach, odds are shutting him down and ignoring him won’t do anything. And I know you don’t want to create any drama or cause more stress, but I think it’s time to have a conversation with your friend. Take a deep breath — we’ll do it together.
“Addressing the situation sooner rather than later will prevent things from getting worse and remove any possibility that if your friend finds out later, she’ll be upset at you for not bringing it up,” Sculler says.
First, remember that you’re bringing a concern to her, not accusing her or her partner of anything — and you’re especially not dictating how she should feel about the situation. Sculler suggests using a template like this:
“Hey, I wasn’t sure whether to bring this up, and I feel really awkward about it, but I’ve noticed [partner’s name] making comments that feel a little off to me. I wanted to tell you because I’d want to know if the roles were reversed, and I value our friendship.”
You want to stick with the facts and focus on how you’re feeling, not what you assume his intentions are. You don’t need to say that you think he likes you or that he’s flirting with you, just that you yourself feel uncomfortable about your interactions with him.
Now, having a convo like this can definitely be nerve-wracking but it’s important to give your friend time and space to process what you told her. Engaging in any kind of back-and-forth isn’t going to be helpful, so just reaffirm how much you care about your friend and let her process how she needs to.
In an ideal world, your friend’s response is to jump to your defense and dump that weirdo. But realistically, that might not happen. And that’s okay!
“Be prepared for a range of emotions — denial, defensiveness, even anger,” Sculler says. It’s disappointing but you don’t know what might be going through your friend’s mind.
And although it’s unfortunate, there is a possibility that your friendship may be permanently affected by the conversation. But this doesn’t mean you should feel guilty about being honest with your friend. You are not in the wrong and you should remind yourself of that.
“If she distances herself, remember that her reaction is likely about her relationship, not about you,” Sculler says. “And once she has some time to reflect, she may apologize to you.”
Even if she doesn’t, your priority should be your comfort. Of course, take your friend’s feelings into consideration but if we’re being totally real, how she responds to you coming to her openly and honestly will tell you a lot about whether or not this is a friendship you want to continue.
