Anyone who’s dealt with a bestie being in a toxic relationship knows how awful it is to witness — let alone when it starts to influence your friendship. If you’ve been following the Brianna Chickenfry and Grace O’Malley drama, you probably heard Brianna’s BFFs “tell-all” episode where she goes in-depth about what happened between her and her former-BFF Grace. While there is a lot to unpack, one of the main takeaways is how Brianna describes the interactions between Grace and Brianna’s abusive ex-boyfriend, Zach Bryan. “There was a time where a big blowout fight happened and I was like, okay, I’m not gonna subject my friends or anyone to have to be around this man,” Bri said, admitting that Grace and Zack could no longer be in the same room as each other.
I have a confession to make: I have been that friend before — the one who has a toxic boyfriend that my other friends absolutely loathe and can’t stand to be around. In fact, I was that friend for six years. Now, my ex never yelled at my friends — mostly because in six years, I only brought him around my friends once. And that’s because they knew how awful he was and had no desire to be in his presence.
While my friends were all still ridiculously supportive of my rollercoaster of emotions and rotating relationship status, I know they were exhausted with me and my decision to continue being romantically linked to someone who treated a person they loved (me) so poorly. And it can be hard navigating how to show up for your friend when they’re in a super toxic relationship. Hence, why I spoke with an expert on what to do if you’re in this exact situation.
“It’s important to lend an empathetic ear to a friend dealing with a toxic partner and offering a reality check if they’ve been gaslighted or don’t see the toxic patterns,” Amber Brooks, relationship expert and the Chief Editor at DatingNews and DatingAdvice tells Betches. “The hard part is not interjecting your opinions too strongly.”
Brooks explains that you shouldn’t be constantly urging your friend to break up with their partner. You’ll probably just end up driving them away. Instead, you should listen to them and ask them what they plan to do about their partner’s toxic behavior. “Nudge them in the ‘you don’t have to put up with this’ direction, but without casting judgments on them for staying this long,” Brooks says.
Friends can be vital lifelines for someone in a bad relationship because it’s easy to lose objectivity when you’re the one so deep in a bad situation. By being there for your friend, you’re providing perspective along with your support. It’s also helpful to be positive and to offer solutions like letting them stay with you or helping them draft a text.
But you also have to remember to draw boundaries. Being there for your friend is important, but you don’t want to risk your own mental health for the sake of someone who refuses to accept help. “You can’t be a therapist solving your friend’s trauma,” Brooks says. “Allowing them to dump their troubles on you is not sustainable for the friendship.”
Friendships should be mutual, and the best way to ensure that this is the case is by setting boundaries. You might want to set a limit on how often they can text you about their partner or how long you want to talk about them. This might look like you letting them know that you have things you’d like to talk about as well or that you can no longer offer advice that they’re not willing to take.
And as much as you probably want to be there for your friend, sometimes it really does get to be too much — that’s when you might want to consider the friendship as a whole. If you find that you’re constantly getting texts from your friend or you’re losing sympathy for the persistent emergencies and issues, you might have to make the decision to take a break from the friendship. It seems harsh, but you need to prioritize your mental health above all.
“You may need to end the friendship if it’s harming you emotionally and becoming toxic in your life,” Brooks says. “Consider if you feel heard and supported by the friend you’re trying so hard to hear and support.” Ask yourself if your friend is showing up for you as much as you show up for them. Maybe they’re not in a place where they can really be a good friend, and while you might not blame them, it’s still not fair to you. And be honest about it! Let your friend know that you need a break.
