With Cosmo spitting out new sex positions on the daily and with hookup culture as strong as ever, I have a hot take: I’m not having sex and I love it! Lemme stop you right there to say that no, I don’t identify as asexual and often find myself feeling *ready to go* if you know what I mean. (Marry me immediately, Pedro Pascal.) I haven’t had sex since the summer of 2019 and I actually feel pretty great about it. I can’t be the only one to accidentally enjoy this lifestyle, in fact, I know I’m not.
Boysober is the latest mental health term coined on TikTok, which refers to taking a long break from sex. With over 18 million views on TikTok, I don’t expect everyone’s definition of it to align, but for me, it’s sort of this easy breezy accidental sex sobriety. Once I realized I was having sex more to prove something to myself than to actually experience pleasure, I gave myself the best permission in the world: to only have sex if I was really, really into it. No more doing things I don’t want to do or god forbid, to have sex to be POLITE. I also want to be clear, I’ve had good sex before and hope to again. If I’m really into a guy and trust him, then yes, please rail right through me. It’s just been a while since I felt that level of trust.
Ironically, Sex and The City’s Kim Cattrall is a big inspiration for me. I also never want to do anything I don’t want to do for more than 60 seconds. That sounds awful. And yes, I would most identify as a Samantha! People are so quick to say “Oh, she’s the sex one,” but I would argue that her sex life is just one part of her life. Samantha is a bad bitch who makes money and dresses hot and sticks up for her friends. She wants to be the one who buys the diamond and knows 900 sex positions. That’s me!! Minus all the reverse cowgirls.
Before you come for me in the comments, this definitely isn’t to sex-shame either. I am sex and kink positive but I feel like nobody is talking about this little sect of us who are not asexual but also aren’t having sex. (Omg I just realized I’m like Gen Z. Wow, I’m so youthful.) Dating as a straight woman, I do realize this could also just be fatigue and burn out from guys begging and lawyering for blowjobs once we make it to the bedroom. Has anyone else experienced this? Call me old fashioned but if you want a stranger to give you a blow job, I think you should pay them.
And who knows maybe later on, I’ll discover a more sexually adventurous side but for now, I’m perfectly fine with my trusty vibrator and a generally enriching life. I know I’m supposed to feel like something is missing but I don’t. Turns out I can feel deep peace, contentment, fulfillment, excitement, and even giddyness without the presence of a penis in my life. But hey, give me a call, Pedro!
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