It was less than a week after I gave birth to my son that the “Elf on the Shelf” conversation first happened. I was still wearing a diaper, and my stitches weren’t even healed when my cousin — who flew in (uninvited!) from the Midwest — asked if she could be there someday when we ~ adopted our elf~. Mind you, at the time, I was too distracted by the fact that I had just pushed a human out of my vagina to know WTF she was talking about. But as she brought it up again and again over the course of her visit, I started to realize that not only was “Elf on the Shelf” A thing, but it was a thing I would absolutely never be a part of.
That’s because, hi, spoiler: Elf on the Shelf is the fucking worst.
There are so many (and I mean SO many) reasons why, many of which have already been whispered about in quiet corners of the internet where crunchy moms who raise their eyebrows at vaccines can’t find us. But as someone who’s cool with controversy, I’m here to step up as this holiday season’s hero of a mother, if you will, and boldly say what any sane person is thinking: Elf on the Shelf is the goddamn villain of Christmas.
Real quick: If you’re not aware of the backstory, I’ll bore you with the deets for a sec. The whole nightmare is based on the 2005 children’s book by mother/daughter duo Carol Aebersold and Chanda Bell (illustrated by Coë Steinwart). Basically, the Elf (you know… the one on the shelf) acts as Santa’s spy. This little creature, which is “adopted” (ugh) and named by a family, keeps an eye on the kids, and reports back to its boss (Santa, duh) about whether they’ve been — you guessed it — naughty or nice. Parents move the elf around at night to convince their kids this lil’ guy is lurking, sometimes putting it in different places, sometimes doing shit like making it look like it spilled candy all over the floor. Oh, and the big kicker is that while the kids can tell the elf their secrets, they can’t touch it (even though it’s a fucking nark); otherwise, he’ll disappear ~forever~.
So, what’s actually so awful about this elf that I’m spending what few precious moments of downtime I get while my son is napping to viciously rant about a consumer product? Glad you asked.
First, and very simply, it’s creepy. I think we can all agree, even if you’re Team Elf. I mean, come on. These enslaved creatures in totally outdated holiday fits (Red felt? In this economy?) spy on your children and listen to their secrets? And why? Because an even *bigger* creep tells them to? That’s called being on the wrong side of peer pressure, slavery, and fashion, folks.
But beyond just the overarching ick factor, there’s the fact that it’s psychologically twisted to the point that it’s basically just bad parenting. It’s fine. I’m prepared for the influx of hate mail, so let me say it again: Elf on the Shelf = bad parenting. It’s up there with not getting your kids inoculated and throwing out their Halloween candy.
The whole point of the elf is to con your kids into behaving. I realize politics makes it seem like bribery is A-okay, but it’s actually a lot more beneficial to praise your children for being good people instead of scaring them into not being dicks. And it’s even more beneficial to simply teach them to be good, kind, caring people when no one is watching… not just because some loser elf is gossiping to some bearded guy with a cookie fetish. This isn’t even coming just from me! It’s science!
In 2021, clinical psychologist and child development expert Cara Goodwin, PhD, wrote in Psychology Today:
The Elf’s strategy of offering children rewards in exchange for ‘good’ behavior is likely not an effective strategy. Research finds that tangible rewards (such as presents) that are expected (that is, promised in advance) and are not linked to performance (as is often the case for Christmas presents) are linked with decreased intrinsic or internally driven motivation. This means that, even if the promise of Christmas presents resulted in improved behavior for the month of December, children will be less likely to continue to choose to behave in this way after the promise of Christmas presents is removed. Put even more simply; your child could become more likely to misbehave after Christmas is over if you use this strategy … Research also shows that expressing disappointment in children and shaming them as a disciplinary tactic may be associated with increased anxiety and aggression. In addition, research indicates that telling children white lies in order to regulate their behavior is associated with increased anxiety.
Because the thing is, what happens when these kids grow into adults and discover there’s no tangible reward for being good? These are the people who turn into guys named Chad who call their wives “dude” and never tip above 15%.
Are you trying to raise a Chad?
Granted, the elf concept stems from the Santa lie. And while some parents choose to skip that whole thing (because, again, it’s a lie), I’m not about to take away centuries of feel-good tradition. At least Santa encourages kindness sans snitching and fosters imagination. Most of us don’t hire some overweight guy to shimmy down the chimney in the middle of the night to convince our offspring a MAN has the work ethic to visit every household (!) in the world (!!) in one night (!!!) and keep his marriage intact. That means kids’ imaginations have to do the work.
The elf? That asshole’s only purpose is to physically keep tabs on your children. It’s not delivering gifts or running around the globe on an impossible deadline. All it’s doing is spying like the little bitch it is, even though it’s out there fucking up your holiday decorations and teaching your kids that the only reason to be good is that you’ll be rewarded if other people are watching.
I realize the elf is just “doing its job,” and Santa’s the one with the naughty/nice list, but that feels more like an empty threat. Not sure about you, but I didn’t have an elf breathing down my neck, and I turned out fine. (Okay, not “fine.” I’m a disaster. But I blame that on my daddy issues and the fact that I never got an American Girl Doll). Growing up, I knew I was never actually going to be on Santa’s naughty list because that’s fucking sinister. Even the year I jabbed my brother’s butt with a pencil, and he had to go to the ER, I still got presents! Because receiving love should never be a reward for being good. For putting out when you’re an adult woman who hopes her long-term boyfriend finally fucking commits and gets her a little blue box? Sure. But for love as a child? Nah.
My biggest gripe with the elves, however, isn’t the destruction of imagination or bribing your kids to “be good.” Honestly, the real reason Elf on the Shelf should fuck right off is for all the already overstretched and utterly exhausted moms out there.
Respectfully, why TF is society giving mothers more shit to do during the holidays? Have you SEEN us? I’ve gone to five different stores to find a mediocre present for my mother-in-law. I spend an hour every night clicking off a zillion battery-packed LEDs. I cried yesterday when my husband snuck a Christmas cookie from the stack of 200 I just made, and I’m pretty sure I haven’t showered since November. NOVEMBER. I’m already at my fucking breaking point, and now I’m supposed to put an elf in silly little positions at night in an effort to get children to behave during a month when they’re living off the rush and anticipation of sugar-promised presents? Bet.
Don’t get me wrong — kudos to Carol and Chanda. They basically made a new Santa for this generation of social media-obsessed parents complete with endless ways to cash in, ranging from movies to apps to pets (yeah, the elves now have pets). Part of me is furious because of what this is teaching our kids, and the other part is furious because I didn’t think of the idea first.
But most of all, I’m furious about the added mom guilt this holiday season. I’ve put up the tree. I’ve wrapped the presents. For the love of God, don’t make me stay up at night Pinteresting ideas about what to do with my family’s elf to trick my kids into thinking they’re spied on. Between the shitty lessons we’re teaching future generations to simply how annoying the entire process is, perhaps it’s time we did the right thing and freed Santa’s slaves once and for all. I mean, even the elves in J.K. Rowling’s world have it better, and that’s saying something…
