The iconic silver goblets are brimming with a mysterious liquid, the women’s outfits are slowly deteriorating from heels and bodycon dresses to sweatpants, and we’re all living for the drama.
Season five of Love is Blind is turning out to be a juicy one. I’ve got whiplash from the amount of times Johnie changed her mind and I’m desperately trying to get contact details for Stacy, who is my new spirit animal and the love of my life — back off, Izzy!
But the fun doesn’t end when the credits roll, as I’ve come up with a new Love is Blind game to keep the chuckles going as we await new episodes.
It’s time to play: “Is It A Red Flag or Should You Run For Your Life?”
The rules are simple. I’ll share the MOST AGONIZING MOMENTS from the show, and we’ll decide how many red flags it deserves. I will be biased, I will be ruthless, and I will be begging for Stacy’s phone number throughout.
1. They mention divorce rates: 🚩
I want to ease you into this new game. If I pull out the big stops, you’ll run for your life from this article. So let’s start with the most minor infraction of the new season: Uche discussing divorce rates on a first date.
Did you know the danger zones for marriages are years one to two and five to eight? I didn’t either, so thank you, Uche, for enlightening us! I’m going to be kind and only give this one red flag, as it is related to his job as a lawyer, and in a twisted way, it’s his reason for coming on the show. I also prefer a man who’s self-aware over one claiming he’ll love me forever. So, Uche, I’m going to let this one pass.
2. They burp within the first five minutes: 🚩🚩
Okay, now you’re warmed up and ready to turn up the ick factor. I don’t know how Ernesto thought it was acceptable to burp within the first five minutes of meeting Stacy, but like my girl, I am not having it. He didn’t even apologize or look embarrassed, he just guffawed and asked if it was a good one. Uh uh, not for me, not for Stacy, not for any of you.
At some point, your partner will burp or fart in front of you. I don’t expect them to be a robot, I just ask them to at least maintain the facade of dignity for the entirety of the first date, or more than five minutes. There is a screen between the two of you, the bar is so low, so just don’t make audible sounds. Two flags for Ernesto and no surprise that this was the last we saw of him.
3. They’re a competitive Pokémon player: 🚩🚩
Milton, Milton, Milton, you’re going to be a popular contestant in this game, or should I say… unpopular? Let’s start with your most minor infraction: declaring that you’re a competitive Pokémon player. I don’t want to judge people’s hobbies. I’m obsessed with Taylor Swift and can drunkenly recite entire musicals about the Founding Fathers. I also started knitting to get over a dry spell in my sex life.
So I’m not judging the fact that he enjoys Pokémon, but rather that he claims women he dated loved it. This is the part that snags my concern. Because does he completely lack self-awareness? Does he misinterpret all facial expressions and tone of voice? I’ll give this two flags, as there is no way I’m spending a weekend watching him compete. Though, nowadays, there are worse things he could be doing in his free time.
4. They use an American flag to wipe their tears: 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Okay, bestie, I warmed you up and now I am tossing you in the deep end. I was impressed to see men cry in this show, especially as the women couldn’t even see them do it. I wasn’t even sure that men had tear ducts or if they’d been removed with evolution.
But I was wholly unprepared to see JP wipe his tears with a literal American flag. This did not get addressed and it really should have. I am growing more and more concerned about JP. He seems like a lovely man, but his fixation on red, white, and blue, and countless clothing pieces with American flags has me running for the door. I need to know where he was on January 6th, and no matter the answer, this is a run-for-your-life situation. Taylor, girlie, escape while you still can.
5. They pull off their sock with their teeth:
🚩🚩🚩
But Taylor isn’t completely innocent herself, and I’m nothing if not fair, so the lovely ladies of the show will also be blasted in this game. Taylor proudly demonstrated that she could remove her socks with her teeth. First of all, there is a screen, so JP couldn’t even see her do it. I don’t know if this makes it better or worse, I just don’t want to think about it too much. Secondly, that is a dirty sock in your mouth. Why are you proud of this? Why is JP so eager to see it in real life? Maybe the two of you deserve each other.
You may think I’m being harsh in giving this three red flags, but I want you to consider the consequences of this oral foot fixation. It’s all fun and games until they start sharing their foot fetish or wanting to sniff your dirty socks.
6. They’re vague as fuck about their job: 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Let’s turn our attention to the second woman who managed to make the cut for our game: Miriam. Girlie, I was rooting for you. When I saw the occupation “scientist,” I was excited to applaud this Woman in STEM. But then she got so shady about her job.
Miriam says she studied chemistry and works as a scientist. Uche asked, “What kind of science?” and Miriam hesitated before saying she’d worked in different industries. He asked what she’s doing now. She said academia and that she’s working in the Middle East. Miriam claimed she is moving home soon, but then later said she already has. To top it all off, she mentioned that she owns a skincare company (academia who?) but won’t give any more details. When asked if it is like dermatology, she says it is not, but doesn’t say what it is.
Girl, plug your brand! At least specify something to do with your brand. If you’re not selling skincare, what is your skincare brand doing? Get your story straight. This is such a red flag, as she could be running an MLM or elaborate con for all we know. I don’t trust this at all, so four red flags from me.
7. They basically call you their mother: 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Milton was racking up the red flags throughout, but nothing prepared me for this moment in the fourth episode. Milton was discussing how his life would change if he got engaged to Lydia, and he mentioned being unable to play Wii at his friends’ houses, or needing to ask for her permission to “go outside and play.” It’s even weirder because they’ve discussed their age difference, as Milton is 24 and Lydia is 30. Milton is a child dressed up as an adult and no one can convince me otherwise.
I get it was a joke (I can recognize those!!), but any joke that pins your female partner as your mother is creepy and gross. Too often, we get shoved into that role by male partners, who then proceed to resent us for it. I’m not going to give them even more to work with.
Compare me to your mother and I’m out. Put me in a position of responsibility over you and I’m out. Besties, I beg you to run from this one.
8. They call cunnilingus their God-given talent: 🚩🚩🚩
I’m all for a little dirty talk and confidence. But no amount of alcohol could’ve prepared me to keep a straight face when Justice boldly stated, “I’m really good at cunnilingus. I know it’s my God-given talent.”
Sir, I don’t care how good you are at going down on a woman. Do not jump the gun and say that, especially not when you’re separated by a wall with no way to prove it. Wait and surprise her in bed instead. Also, I think too many men go around thinking they’re that good, but there is a huge orgasm gap that says differently. Are you actually good at cunnilingus or are women just programmed to be polite?
Would I test his theory? Yes, I’m not a masochist, he might actually be gifted in that skillset.
Would I hate myself for it and never see him again? Yes, obviously.
9. They claim that they’re super stable: 🚩🚩🚩🚩
As someone on 10mg of Lexapro, I can honestly say that people who are stable don’t find the need to mention it. Only the mentally unstable will make such bold claims. Like Johnie in episode one, when she said, “I like to think I’m super stable.”
Girlie, let’s not pretend, they’ll figure it out soon enough anyway. And they did, as Johnie unraveled quickly over the episodes, ping-ponging between Izzy and Chris. She also cited Chris’ credit score as a reason for being incompatible after he dumped her, which is a new one, to say the least.
I’m going to give this four red flags because as a mentally unhinged girlie, I prefer the honesty of knowing what I’m dealing with. Like calls to like. I also don’t believe that properly mentally stable people exist, or that I’d have much in common with them. So I’m going to back away from this one, just like Izzy did.
10. They say “You’re lucky I find you super attractive”: 🚩🚩
It’s a minor offense by Milton, but it’s the third strike, so honey, you’re out. Milton tells Lydia, “You’re lucky I find you super attractive.” and that really struck a nerve for me. I am sick of men thinking we are attractive for them, both as a compliment or an insult. I am not lucky you consider me hot, I’m just hot and you’re lucky to be witnessing it.
Milton is only 24 years old and this backhanded compliment sums it up perfectly for me. Two flags from me. Go play on your friends’ Wii and leave me alone, Milton.
11. They write you a poem: 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Who knew season five of Love is Blind would be brimming with Emily Dickinsons and William Shakespeares? I certainly didn’t!
Let’s start with Stacy’s poem for Izzy, where she managed to rhyme his name with tizzy, fizzy, wizzy, busy, and mizzy. Maybe it’s because I have a soft spot for girlies, but I’ll let this one pass. She acknowledges it’s not quite Shakespearean and she can laugh at herself. This is cute, and I’d def want a second date with her – for real, Stacy, let’s make this happen!
Then comes the second poem of the season in the same episode, when Uche writes a poem for Aaliyah and asks her to read it out loud. Nope, it’s the bold confidence for me. I recently discussed my trauma of an ex who wrote songs about me, and so you can understand why this instantly had me reaching for valium.
It also featured some rhyming, which was slightly more highbrow than Stacy’s work, but it just took itself a bit too seriously in my opinion. Also, it was done as a prelude to revealing his SHOCKING BETRAYAL, so it’s four red flags on average from me!
