No matter how much we try to tell ourselves otherwise, every breakup is a competition, and for Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner, Sophie is sprinting ahead with the gold.
Over the weekend, the Queen of the North had a highly public dinner at celeb hotspot Via Carota with none other than her husband’s high school girlfriend and her personal idol, Taylor Alison Swift.
Joe, who definitely cares about seeming cool, is probably fuming. He looks like the idiot who let this goddess of a woman go, and he won’t stand for that: He needs genius ideas to rehab his image ASAP. Here’s what I imagine he’s pitching to his very tired, very disappointed publicist:
- I split a lasagna flight at Don Angie with Peter Dinklage – two can play at this game!
- Let’s get me some breakup merch, like Ariana post Scandoval.
- I could adopt a disabled bearded dragon! That says “kind-hearted” and “relatable,” right?
- I get a tattoo that says “warrior” in my grandma’s handwriting to show that I’m strong, but also a family man.
- Walk around NYC sweaty and shirtless like Jeremy Allen White.
- I’m super vocal about attending a silent retreat in Nepal to illustrate growth and self-reflection.
- For Halloween, I dress up as Jason Segel in Forgetting Sarah Marshall for Halloween to say, “I’m single and sad, but I can poke fun at myself in a culturally effective manner.”
- Bonus points if we can convince Frankie to go with me as the Mila Kunis character.
- I go solo for a the breakup album of the millennium (don’t tell Nick).
- Get me on the Call Her Daddy podcast so I can take back the narrative in a no-holds-barred tell-all interview.
- I borrow Chris Olsen from Meghan Trainor to pretend to be my best friend and boost my TikTok presence.
- My agent gets me a deal with BetterHelp so I can seem vulnerable, but also get money some pocket money for Botox.
- Post a bunch of cryptic Pinterest quotes to my Instagram stories.
- Compete on The Masked Singer and win, obvs.
- Ride around in an ice cream truck giving out free cones like Rupert Grint after he finished the Harry Potter movies.
- Should I get bangs?
