I’m already exhausted with the heteronormative “girlfriend effect” that’s taken over TikTok. I get it, your boyfriend didn’t know what conditioner was before you blessed him with your presence.
What I’m more interested in is making sure all queers have experienced the “coming out effect,” aka the glow-up from embracing your true identity, blah, blah, blah.
Basically, it’s time to let go of that emo phase in middle school that you thought protected you from the mean world of homophobes. (Because if you don’t care about anything, nothing can hurt you!!!) Or, if you’re like me, you spent all of high school diving deeper into florals and knee-length dresses in an effort to cling to the idea of the perfect femme who loves dick.
Either way, you deserve better. Mostly because queers are literally the hottest people I know. (If you thought this article was about embracing all the twists and turns of your true self, you were wrong. This is strictly about becoming the hottest version of yourself.) So here’s a step-by-step guide to ensure you won’t stay an ugly, untalented gay forever. You’re welcome.
Step 1: Throw Out Those Floral Skirts
You’re not the pastor’s daughter. Or maybe you are, but that’s not your identity anymore! It’s time to do a deep dive into your closet and throw out anything that isn’t jorts, dad shirts, sheer mesh crop tops, or a three-piece velvet suit inspired by Cate Blanchett in Ocean’s 8.
Step 2: Forgive Your Inner Child
This probably should’ve been the first step… Oh well! In some ways getting rid of your ugly clothes will help heal your inner child. I think a therapist told me that. Or maybe I’m thinking of Stacy London. Either way, you can’t become the hottest, coolest version of yourself if you’re always crying. Snot is not hot. It rhymes, so you know it’s true.
Step 3: Make Queerness Your Entire Personality
Coming out is basically an excuse to rebrand. Being queer is a privilege (well, not really), but it makes you sooo much cooler than the straights. So bring it up in every conversation and add it to all of your social media bios. I personally have a rainbow tattoo on my right wrist so I never forget I’m better than 93% of the population.
Step 4: Get a Nose Piercing
This step is specifically for bisexuals. You know you want that septum piercing. Just do it already, you queer fuck!
Step 5: Show Others You’re Down to Clown
First, I’d like to establish that “down to clown” is a sexual innuendo. Signaling your queerness to other gay cuties is a crucial way to meet others in the community (platonically). And a great way to discover that queer sex is just better (romantically). If you really want to make it clear you “bat for the other team” (aren’t straight idioms so quaint?), I recommend purchasing a gold chain that spells out “QUEER” if you’re particularly femme or “GREEDY SLUT” if you’re attracted to all genders.
Step 6: Say “Fuck No” to Rainbow Capitalism
The rainbow was always a metaphor for the broad spectrum of the queer community, but the straights love to take things at face value, I guess. Don’t feel like you need your color palette to align with a kindergartener’s if it’s not your vibe. But if your mom buys you a “Love Is Love” hat from Target, know that she is trying to support you and has horrible taste. Two truths can exist at once.
Step 7: Get a Tattoo Sleeve
Yes, your entire arm needs to be covered in tattoos, or a leg, or both arms and legs. Being queer is basically like joining a biker gang but with even more leather. That reminds me, you will need to purchase a leather body harness (preferably vegan as to not upset the lesbians).
Step 8: Consider Becoming a Witch For Networking Purposes
The church already doesn’t like the gays, so who are you trying to win over here by sticking to the OG sacraments? Why not take it a step further and consider paganism? There’s a certain Venn diagram crossover between the queer community and Wiccans. Mostly in how much we love crystals and journaling about our shadow demons.
Step 9: Embrace the Complicated AF Nature of Existing in a Heteronormative World As a Hot, Talented Gay
Being queer doesn’t look one way. And the way you present yourself doesn’t have to look one way either. I pride myself on being a lipstick femme that also enjoys a pair of black combat boots inspired by Cadet Kelly. Visibility may not have always been your goal before (hence the emo phase), but now is the chance to let your peacock fly! Shake those tail feathers! (I hope these bird metaphors are doing something for you.) Now go forth and be hot and gay!