Last week, we had the long-awaited return of the only Bachelor franchise worth saving: Bachelor in Paradise. Unfortunately, because the Bachelor franchise is obsessed with itself, we had to suffer through some drama we were already bored of on The Bachelorette: Tia and Colton. (TL;DR: Tia & Colton had a brief thing, Tia made Becca cut him after hometowns. If you need more details, try this.) Bachelorette fans have already jumped down Tia’s throat for her behavior and Becca even responded asking people to chill TF out. But apparently the BiP cast didn’t get the memo. Half of the episode is spent making fun of Tia for her big crush on Colton. The other half is spent roasting Colton for ignoring Tia when he (spoiler) arrives on night two.
According to ABC, the Tia and Colton story line is the most interesting thing happening this season. So why does it feel so boring?
We Know Too Much
I’m new to the Reality Steve game, but I’ve come to realize this season that The Bachelor is only a surprise if you want it to be. In the case of Tia and Colton, even spoiler noobs like me were well aware that Tia and Colton had a reunion in Paradise. (Reality Steve had leaked pictures as early as June.) In addition to that, we all have social media. If there had been a serious falling out between Becca and Tia, we would have seen the unfollows. If Colton was seriously closing the Tia door, he would’ve deleted his heart-eye tweets about her on Arie’s season. And Baby Bekah’s been more than happy to keep us posted on her thoughts about all this, including speculation about their time in Paradise back when The Bachelorette was airing.
In other words, you would have had to try really, really hard to watch Paradise and not know that Colton and Tia were getting together. There’s nothing organic or surprising; it’s practically contractually obligated, and it’s a real drag to watch.
This GIF says way too much about their whole dynamic.
We’ve Seen Too Much
So, we knew it would happen. That alone shouldn’t have made it so boring. In fact, confrontations you actively expect can be the most fun. Which brings us to the next point: Tia and Colton are just not that interesting. The fact is, Tia was not chosen to be the Bachelorette. And if I have any luck remaining on this earth, Colton will never be chosen as the Bachelor. Sure, Colton’s got the celebrity exes and virginity, and Tia’s got the
knockoff Raven Southern charm. But beyond agreeing that they’re both attractive people in a vaguely Friday Night Lights kind of way, I have limited interest in seeing where their stories go. I would rather watch Krystal, whose newfound sanity is already hanging by a thread, or Joe, who I sadly like less every time he opens his mouth, than continue with these two.
Paradise is a place for slightly unhinged people to
gain new corporate sponsors make bad choices, not a pageant queen and Boy Scout to practice rounding second base. They’re not crazy enough or tragic enough to make for really great entertainment. And I think it’s safe to say that ABC has worn them out.
All of America watching this story line:
This Whole Situation Sucks
Finally: when Colton arrives on that
STD-ridden Mexican beach, it’s not a question of whether he’ll be into her. It’s a question of whether he’ll cave to the public expectation that he MUST like Tia as much as she likes him, or risk his reputation going for someone else.
As a quick refresher on their relationship, Tia DM’ed Colton while he was in the casting process for The Bachelorette. They started talking, then stopped talking when he found out he was going on the show. Their in-person time was limited to a single weekend in Los Angeles. If we’re assuming worst-case scenario, Tia is walking the line between stalker fan and one-night stand. Best case, it was a short but intense fling that nonetheless, they cut off well over six months ago. And now Colton, fresh off a breakup of his own, is being asked to couple up with Tia or be hated by all of America.
As for Tia, who is understandably a ball of nerves, there’s a lot more on the line than “does this guy still like me?” She’s waiting to see if Colton’s going to save her reputation by making this a love story, or publicly dump her. Because if Colton doesn’t go for Tia, Tia just f*cked with Becca’s journey for a guy who wasn’t even into her. And that’s hard to come back from—in Bachelor Nation, and just in life generally.
Same, Tia. Same.
Overall, I’d love to stop seeing these two faces on my TV. Colton has seemed in over his head for a while, and Tia has backed herself into a corner that will be very boring and painful to watch her get out of. For the sake of everyone’s sanity, let Tia and Colton put this embarrassing chapter behind them and focus on footage like Jordan explaining American history or Bibiana punching people.
Images: Giphy (3)