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Alternative Punishments For Trump, If The Whole “Jail” Thing Doesn’t Work Out

President Trump is in some amount of legal trouble. You would be forgiven if you don’t know exactly how much — my therapist has recommended I try to get to your level. However, he’s been indicted anywhere between one and 14 times, on anywhere from 29 to 821 counts. There is a possibility that he might serve time in jail, but my hopes aren’t high. Like a flying cockroach, I don’t believe he’ll ever be jailed or die — it’s just not his style.

None of these punishments will be enough, but we should take what we can get. The justice system could consider in its stead:

  • Deleting his Truth Social account

  • Letting him keep his Truth Social, but hiding the like-count

  • Forcing him to watch Ivanka laugh at a joke Ron DeSantis made (to be fair, that would be weird for all of us)

  • Seating him next to Megyn Kelly at dinner

Former President Donald Trump Votes In Midterm Elections

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  • Making him go vegetarian

  • Reading him a book written by a woman

  • Showing him a video of a C-section

  • Turning off the AC at Mar-a-Lago for half an hour

  • Forcing him to sit through one of his children’s graduation ceremonies….without his phone

  • Changing his Netflix password

  • A lifetime of sex with sixes

  • Forcing him to watch all seven seasons of Gilmore Girls (plus the reboot) with Chris Christie, who’s giving a live commentary

  • Making him go to Church for an entire hour every week

  • Replacing OAN with an AI-generated video of Ron DeSantis taking the oath of office

  • Taking away his phone

  • Directing all his interview requests to his spam folder, where he’ll never find them

  • Putting all his cronies in jail without him, so there’s no one left in Florida to pay attention to him

Former President Trump Holds Rally In Ohio Ahead Of State's Primary

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  • Forgetting to wish him a happy half-birthday

  • Forgetting to wish him a happy full-birthday

  • Leaving him in an attention-deprivation chamber (aka an empty mansion with no Wi-Fi)

  • Leaving his name off the New York Times homepage for 10 full days

  • Letting him believe it’s possible people have forgotten about him

  • Sending him a video of a 6-year-old in New Zealand asking, “Who is Donald Trump?”

Okay, this just in from Trump’s legal team: He’d like to check himself into jail.

Ginny Hogan
Ginny Hogan
Ginny Hogan is a writer/stand up comedian. She's the author of "I'm More Dateable than a Plate of Refried Beans," and the host of "Raising Questions."