The below text messages have in no way been made up or fabricated just to make fun of anyone — and I do mean anyone — in power. It’s probably not even possible to fictionalize a text message. These texts definitely happened.
June 8th, 2023
Ted Cruz: It’s finally happened.
Matt Gaetz: You sharted?
Kevin McCarthy: LOL
Ted Cruz: Trump’s been indicted.
MTG: He was already indicted. And he came out on top, Queen!!!
Ted Cruz: Federally indicted.
Long pause.
Ted Cruz: That means the whole country, not just one state.
Everyone else in the group chat thumbs up the comment. There is no emoji for “ahh, yeah, I totally knew that!”
Kevin McCarthy: Hey, before we begin, I just want to thank everyone for including me. It’s really fun to feel like part of a group.
Ted Cruz: We don’t have a lot of time to waste. They have text messages, video footage, phone calls. We need to spin spin spin.
Kevin McCarthy: Okay, but you can delete text messages. I do it all the time. Like, if I ever put myself out there romantically and then get self-conscious because I haven’t heard back fast enough, I just delete them.
MTG: I was going to respond. I’ve been busy, Kev.
Kevin McCarthy: No worries! I’m just happy to be included.
Lauren Boebert: This is still the document thing, right?
Ted Cruz: Yes.
Lauren Boebert: Okay, thank god it’s not one of the other things.
Everyone thumbs up the message. There is no emoji for, “the other things are much worse.”
Matt Gaetz: Honestly, it’s overblown. It’s not like we have a higher chance of getting bombed because Trump took some documents. Especially not compared to diajfoaijfeiaoejfiaoj or aidofjaoifjoaijfoafjoasijofdi.
Lauren Boebert: It’s honestly weird to censor your own text messages, Matt.
Matt Gaetz: I think it’s fun. Like Mad Libs for national security.
Kevin McCarthy: So fun!!
Mitt Romney: I knew this was going to happen. Trump shouldn’t be seeking another term. Hell, he shouldn’t even have sought one term. What’s happened to this party is a disgrace. How bad do things have to be when the most truthful Republican primary candidate is Chris Christie.
Lauren Boebert: I can’t believe he’s still in this group chat. Vibe is off.
MTG: I KNOW.
Mitt Romney: I think you meant to send that to just each other.
Lauren Boebert: Ugh, you’re right.
Lauren Boebert: It’s honestly really annoying how when you search one person’s name in iMessages, every group chat you’re in with them comes up.
“Mitt Romney” has been removed from the chat.
Kevin McCarthy: Thanks for not kicking me out of the chat, guys.
Lauren Boebert: I’ve tried.
Ted Cruz: Well, the first question is whether or not he’s guilty.
Long pause.
MTG: And what’s the second question?
Ted Cruz: There are 37 criminal accounts against him.
Kevin McCarthy: LOL NICE!
MTG: No, babe, you only say nice if the number is “69.” You don’t just say it after any number.
Kevin McCarthy: Got it!! Thanks for explaining!!
Ted Cruz: Okay, well, we should all figure out what we’re going to say.
Kevin McCarthy: Thanks for taking the lead on this, Teddy.
Ted Cruz: I was going to say that as Speaker of the House, you need to tell everyone what statements to make publicly.
Long pause.
Matt Gaetz: Ted, can you…
If there were a way to ‘sigh’ in a text message, Ted Cruz would have sighed.
Ted Cruz: We need to make sure we’re unified, but not in a way that sounds like we copied each other. This party wins or dies at the ballot box, not in the courtroom, so we can keep ourselves afloat if we offer enough assurance to voters. Give a little bit of variance — ”none of us believe the allegations and we all stand by Trump,” but make sure we all stand by Trump in slightly different ways. Make lots of references to Hillary and Biden and the double-standard. Assure the American public that we’ll continue fighting, and we won’t rest until all people are equal under the law.
Kevin McCarthy: That’s beautiful. I had no idea all people were equal under the law.
Ted Cruz: They’re not.
Lauren Boebert: Why is Ted even in this group chat? He’s a Senator. It feels like a college boy desperate to go to high school prom.
MTG: I KNOW.
Ted Cruz: I’m right here.
Matt Gaetz: Sorry, got distracted. Wait, is someone saying they need a prom date? I can hook you up.
Kevin McCarthy: LOL
“Ted Cruz” has been removed from the chat.
Kevin McCarthy: Wait — but he was going to write our public statements!
Lauren Boebert: Oh, sorry, are you complaining, Kev? After we finally granted you the right to be Speaker!
MTG: Be nice.
Kevin McCarthy: No, I’m so happy to be here!!
MTG: Okay Kev, the press is outside. You need to go out and say something.
Matt Gaetz: I can do it. I just gelled.
Lauren Boebert: It’s gotta be Kevin. He’s Speaker.
Kevin McCarthy: Wow, that’s so nice of you to say!
Lauren Boebert: It’s just an unfortunate fact.
MTG: Kev, sweetie, just go out and say something like “it is unconscionable for a President to indict the leading candidate opposing him.”
Kevin McCarthy: Got it!!
Kevin McCarthy: The President we’re talking about is Biden, right?
Everyone thumbs up the message. There is no emoji for, “yes, but I understand why you’re confused, because it’s also part of our party platform that we pretend the 2020 election was stolen and Trump is still the rightful leader of this country.”
Kevin McCarthy: Wait, can you write out that third word?
Lauren Boebert: It is written out.
MTG: un-con-shun-ah-bull.
MTG: (that’s what he means).
Kevin McCarthy: Okay, I’m ready to meet my public!
Photos courtesy of Getty Images.
