Trump’s Top-Secret Skincare Routine Performed In The Bathroom At Mar-a-Lago

Even if you haven’t been following the news of Former President Trump’s second indictment (Indictment 2: 2 Slow, 2 Curious), you’ve certainly seen the stunning images of classified documents comically on display around Mar-a-Lago — boxes performing quietly on a ballroom stage, boxes dramatically spilling over in a storage closet, and yes, of course, boxes stacked chaotically in an ostentatious bathroom under a crystal chandelier.

If there’s one thing this guy loves, it’s doing business in a bathroom. In August of 2022, photos surfaced of two instances when he tried to flush documents down the toilet. (Fun fact: Mar-a-Lago means “sea-to-lake,” which, coincidentally, is where classified docs end up after traveling through the garish hotel’s pipes.) 

With all the time he clearly spends puttering around the potty, it’s fun (and nauseating) to imagine what his skincare routine might look like — especially in a restroom filled with documents as sensitive as 77-year-old skin. (How long until he does an Instagram Live that starts with: “Hey, guys! Today I’ll be unboxing something super secretive!”?)

Former President Donald Trump Indicted On Federal Charges

Trump’s Classified Skincare Routine, as Imagined in the Document Bathroom at Mar-a-Lago

  1. Prep 

Physically, clear away as many boxes and documents as possible from surfaces and countertops to make room. Mentally, clear away the notion that they even exist at all. 

  1. Cleanse

Remove the layers of bronzer and self-tanner by splashing your face with water. To be thorough, repeat as many times as your indicted criminal counts. (37)

  1. Exfoliate 

Find any paper labeled: “’SECRET//REL TO USA, FVEY,” crumble it up, then use it to really scrub off dead skin.


  1. Toner 

Apply whatever’s left from Mar-a-Lago business center’s copier/printer. (Use conservatively.) 

  1. Massage 

You’re retaining a lot, willfully, like national defense information, so it’s important to release the tension in your face by using your little fingers to make light circular motions. 

  1. Extract  

Take a close look at anything obstructing your pores the way one might obstruct justice. 


  1. Moisturize  

When your skin is as sensitive as your documents, it’s important to hydrate. (Use whatever GOOP — no, not GOP— product your wife has left behind.)

  1. Deep Breaths 

If you’re starting to feel guilty about spending all this time in the bathroom, that’s okay. Feeling guilty is totally very, very, very normal. 

  1. Conceal

Attempt to cover up everything you’ve done so far — face or otherwise. 


Additional routine notes: 

  • No need to do the left side of your face, stick to the alt-right side. 
  • Don’t forget to tape your hair down so the wind doesn’t take it.
  • Embrace the Florida sun — anything higher than SPF 0 is too woke.

OK, you’re all set. Give yourself a good, hard look in the mirror. Wow, babe — your arresting bitch face is glowing!

Sara K. Runnels
Sara K. Runnels
Sara K. Runnels is a copywriter and humor writer living in Seattle, Washington. Her work has appeared in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Tinder messages, Gmail inboxes, group texts, Instagram captions, one Yelp review, several spec scripts her mom thinks are GREAT and hundreds of Twitter screenshots. Follow her all over the internet – @omgskr.