Every Logical And Not-At-All Unhinged Defense I Expect Trump To Make

Trump has already made his fair share of defenses, but the indictment is still young. If we’re lucky, we’ll have the whole thing wrapped up before the election (I prefer to cluster all my pain together, just to get it over with). Still, that’s 18 months away. Before his trial is through, here’s everything else I expect Trump to use to defend himself:

  • But Hillary.
  • I was President; I’m allowed to declassify documents with my mind.
  • Why would I steal documents?? I don’t know how to read.
  • Why would I steal documents when I could have just taken a picture of them with my phone?
  • My own actions have been very unfairly biased against me. I can’t stand how biased my actions are. It’s not fair.
  • It was my alter ego, Donald Trump (I’m Donald Drumpf, remember?)
  • Has anyone actually seen these documents? 

Former President Trump Attends Iowa Campaign Events

  • But Hillary!
  • Maybe the documents were made with AI. Did you ever think about that?
  • Didn’t that weird sweaty guy once say that it couldn’t be illegal if the president did it? Yeah, what he said.
  • The woman who originally decided to classify the documents was a 6. Maybe a 7, at best.
  • But, Hillary?
  • I’m a politician, which means that everything that touches me in any way is politically motivated. It’s right there in the name.
  • Everyone has a right to a lawyer who doesn’t hate them, and everyone hates me. Ergo, I can’t go to trial.
  • But Hillary.

GOP Presidential Hopefuls Attend North Carolina Republican Convention

  • Biden wouldn’t even have wanted those documents anyway. They were super boring. Which I don’t know, as I didn’t read them, as I don’t know how to.
  • It’s not my fault; I was high on Adderall.
  • It’s not my fault; I was high on Diet Coke.
  • It’s not my fault; I just have a bad personality.
  • Haven’t I suffered enough? For four years, I had to interact every single day with Mike Pence.
  • But Hillary.
  • The sooner you let me walk free, the sooner we can all get out of Miami.
  • You think stealing documents was a national security threat? You should see all the other stuff I did!
  • It’s like, am I allowed to put my hands on anything anymore?!
  • I’m only 76. I don’t know any better.
  • #buthillary.

GOP Presidential Hopefuls Attend North Carolina Republican Convention

  • Jack Smith? Sounds fake.
  • I actually really want to go to jail. PSYCH!! 
  • Is this because I’m white?
  • Sorry for making the news interesting for you.
  • I can’t be accused of a crime, when I’ve already been accused of so many other crimes — no double jeopardy.
  • And those other crimes are bigger. Bigger and more expensive. Yes, it’s beginning to look like you’re not going to be able to afford to convict me of all the crimes, so you may as well give up now. You can raise taxes, sure, but they’ll just discover more crimes I committed. More crimes to spend those tax dollars convicting me of. It’ll be the debt ceiling thing but worse, trust me. Remember that Simpsons episode where Mr. Burns decides he’s invincible because all his diseases are blocking each other? It will be like that, for crime. You can’t afford the kind of jail I’d need, for all the crimes I’ve committed. So you may as well drop the case.

Donald Trump visit to Ireland

Photos courtesy of Getty Images.

Ginny Hogan
Ginny Hogan
Ginny Hogan is a writer/stand up comedian. She's the author of "I'm More Dateable than a Plate of Refried Beans," and the host of "Raising Questions."