I have a confession. I’ve had as much fun as the next girl watching Selling Sunset. I truly enjoyed my time binge-watching Below Deck Mediterranean. And I’m absolutely delighted in how much smarter I was than those horny dummies hemorrhaging money on Too Hot to Handle. But I’ll be damned if I am not ready for my OG reality obsession to start back up. Sure, I may sh*t talk The Bachelor franchise to anyone with ears (mostly my dog these days), but I think we all know that when I’m on my deathbed surrounded by friends and loved ones I’ll use my last words to whisper, “They were all there for the wrong reasons.” So I am pleased to say that The Bachelorette is finally premiering on ABC Tuesday, October 13th at 8/7 central (I swear, I spend half my life shilling for Chris Harrison). In anticipation of the show, and what we know will be a bonkers season, I started thinking about the wildest moments that this franchise has blessed us with. And I’m not talking about Colton jumping the fence, I wrote that phrase more times than my own name in 2019 and I’ve asked the devil to strike me down if I ever dare do it again. I’m talking about the moments you forgot about, the weird, the awkward, the shriek-worthy. Let us remember together.
The Contestant That Dated A Producer
Okay, I’m taking us way back to Jake Pavelka’s season in 2010 for this one, and yes I know that was a long time ago. I told you this is the list of moments you forgot! You’re not going to forget something that happened last season unless you drank an entire bottle of wine every episode! Oh wait… do I need to rethink this entire list? Whatever, I’m going with it. Anyway, on Jake’s season, there was a contestant who got kicked off the show because she engaged in a “physical relationship” with a producer. Chris Harrison claimed the producer confessed multiple times to multiple people (seems excessive, but k), and that other girls on the show saw it happen. Shame, shame, I know your name. And it’s Rozlyn Papa!
Rozlyn was confronted by Chris and kicked off the show. She vehemently denied that anything happened with the producer, claiming they were just “close friends.” Either way, it was enough to get her the boot.
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Nick Viall Slut-Shames Andi Dorfman
I’d be remiss if I did not mention the Bachelor whose entire being is an assault on all five of my senses, who single-handedly turned me against the turtleneck, and whose voice sends a chill down my spine. And that man is Nick Viall. Nick must have some dark sh*t on Mike Fleiss to have gotten himself on this franchise four times because I truly do not get his appeal. Especially since his first appearance was such a disaster. For you youngsters who only know Nick as The Bachelor, please take my hand while I lead you back to Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette in 2014. Nick was the runner-up, which makes sense because nice guys finish last, but slut-shaming creeps usually finish second.
During the After The Final Rose special, Nick confronted Andi and said to her, “If you weren’t in love with me, I’m just not sure why you made love with me.” First of all, only the most deranged psychopaths would say “made love with me.” Like, pretty sure even Ted Bundy knew that was too f*cking weird for a normal human to say. Second of all, really pal? You have to call her out for sleeping with you on national TV just because you’re embarrassed she didn’t pick you? And also, I’m confused. When you became the bachelor, Nick, a woman you slept with at Jade’s wedding showed up. If you weren’t in love with her, why did you make love with her? ANSWER ME. You know what? I’m getting re-fired up about this. Maybe with all this free time I’ve acquired during the pandemic, I should start doing some good in the world. And by that I mean finding Nick Viall, following him to all of his sexual encounters, hiding behind the curtains, and screaming “if you aren’t in love with her, why did you make love with her!” when it’s all over. Or is that going too far? I can’t tell what’s socially acceptable anymore.
Demario’s Ex-Girlfriend Shows Up
Demario Jackson was a contestant on Rachel Lindsay’s season of The Bachelorette. During a group basketball date, a woman claiming to be Demario’s girlfriend showed up. Lexi claimed that she and Demario had been dating for six months and that he had a key to her house. To be fair, anyone that looks under my doormat could claim to have a key to my house, so is that really a smoking gun? Regardless, Rachel told Demario to “get the f*ck out”, but he maintains that Lexi was a fake girlfriend, and tbh that girl was wearing a scrunchie before they officially came back, so I’d deny I dated her too.
Demario isn’t the only contestant over the years to have allegedly had a significant other during the filming of the show. Justin “Rated R” (gag me) Rego from Ali’s season walked so Demario could run. And most recently we had Jed Wyatt, Hannah’s winner, who went on the show while having a girlfriend in an attempt to further his career. I’m sure you all remember the chart-topping single “I wanna be your Mr. Right,” and his CMA nomination, right?
All Of The Terrible Humans That ABC Has Cast
Look, if I had to list all the racists, sexists, and convicted felons that have been cast on this show separately, I would die of carpal tunnel. And then how would I continue to delight you all with my witty commentary for years to come? So I’m going to lump them all together. First, we have Lee Garret, who was cast for Rachel Lindsay’s season, the first Black bachelorette, whose racist tweets surfaced after the season was filmed. Really, ABC? It took them so long to finally cast a Black lead, and then she has to deal with this sh*t. It’s not nice, it could have been avoided, and I’m not convinced it wasn’t done on purpose.
Then we have Lincoln Adim who was first known for sh*tting on the floor in his office bathroom and then later known for being convicted of indecent assault and battery on a cruise ship. He had already been charged when the show was cast and now he is officially a registered sex offender. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times. ABC MUST stop hiring three toddlers in a trench coat to do background checks.
The Legend Of Sanderson Poe
Poor Sanderson Poe. He really became collateral damage in his sociopathic widow’s quest for reality TV fame, didn’t he? For those of you who are very confused right now, Kelsey Poe was a contestant on Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor. At first, she seemed like the typical contestant of that time—a cute girl with a sob story. Mike Fleiss legit jerks off to sob stories. And so, it seems, does Kelsey Poe. Kelsey revealed her story to Chris, telling him about how she was widowed. But to the camera, she called her story amazing and declared that she loved her tragic story. Even I found it quite disturbing, and I’m usually totally fine with stories where men die. She went on to say “I know this is a show about Chris, but this is my love story, too. This is the unfolding of somebody who’s been through something so tragic and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and into another relationship.” I’m sorry, but did she steal that line straight out of the producer’s notebook at her casting session? You’re not supposed to view your own story the same way a poor, soulless, LA grunt would, Kelsey!
Then, Kelsey went on one of the most awkward 2-on-1 dates of all time with Ashley I, she of the overactive tear ducts, and Chris Soules, the aforementioned Bachelor who giggled for an entire season instead of forming full sentences. On that date, Chris decided to ditch them both, leaving them alone in the desert with only buckets of Ashley’s tears on which to survive.
All Of Chad’s Behavior
There were some admirable things about Chad Johnson, a contestant on JoJo Fletcher’s season of The Bachelorette. His commitment to fitness. His apparent ability to smuggle steroids through airport security. His affinity for protein. Unfortunately, those good qualities were overshadowed by his homicidal threats and blackout drunk episodes. If only he could have kept those pesky traits under control! Throughout the whole season, Chad was aggressive and threatening toward the other contestants. He grabbed Evan’s shirt and ripped it. He said he would dismember the other guys (that was a little funny). He even threatened to find Jordan after the show. Look Chad, you’re not Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers, and this is not cute.
Except I guess ABC did think it was cute, because after JoJo kicked him off The Bachelorette, ABC cast him again for Bachelor in Paradise. And he was kicked off after the first night for “shockingly offensive behavior.” He got wasted, called multiple women bitches, and pooped his pants. He even had the gall to insult Chris Harrison AND mimosas when he was sober the next day. I am shocked!! It’s almost like the producers didn’t watch their own show! How could they have known he would behave this way? Oh wait, they totally could have. Stop casting toxic abusive assholes, ABC. How many homemade signs do I have to wave outside your office that say that? I only have so many glitter markers!
Raven’s Orgasm Dance
Did you think I was going to mock Nick Viall only one time in this article? I’d hoped you knew me better than that. Nick finally wormed his way to the top even after nobody wanted to see him on TV again, and was named the Bachelor. Raven Gates was a contestant on his season who confessed that she never had an orgasm before. And for some reason, she thought Nick was going to be the one to change that. They had their fantasy suite date, and in the morning Raven said “Nick is really good at what he does” and LITERALLY DID AN ORGASM DANCE around the town. Not only was this more embarrassing to me than the time my grandmother walked in on me watching Black Swan and I had to scream “look away!”, but I also just don’t believe it. There’s no way that Raven went 25 years without an orgasm, only to meet a man on a reality TV show who I’m pretty sure has a beard transplant, and THAT’S what finally does it for her? It’s just implausible, is all I’m saying. The numbers don’t add up.
And those are the wildest moments from The Bachelor that you forgot about. Did I forget any moments you forgot in this article? Let me know!
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Images: Tinseltown / Shutterstock.com; Giphy (5); Kelsey Poe/Facebook; doyoucallthisimmature/Instagram
