During the first week of December 2023, Ariana Madix came in third place on Dancing with the Stars, announced her upcoming Broadway debut at Roxie Hart in Chicago, and released her own cocktail book “Single AF Cocktails: Drinks for Bad B*tches.” Who’s got two thumbs, a huge ego, and a ginormous, rotting jealous pit in his stomach at this very moment? Tom Sandoval.
HE was supposed to be the star! HE should be playing his trumpet in a Tony-Award-winning Broadway show! HE should’ve been hip-thrusting in front of Carrie Ann Inaba! HE should have a library of his own cocktail books by now, it’s his passion, damnit!
But he isn’t, he wasn’t, and he never will be, because he’s a sucky person. I know we’re all tired of the Sandoval Slander, and we can leave it in 2023. But I’ve got three more weeks left, so indulge me and let me imagine where he is while Ariana is on top of the world.
- Crying in the shower
- At a West Hollywood Karaoke bar belting “All I Care About (is Love)”
- Buying a fedora to look like Billy Flynn
- Stretching his inner thighs and working on his splits
- Applying for a job at Ellen’s Stardust Diner
- In Ariana Grande’s DMs, maybe she can introduce him to her Broadway BF?
- On Alfonso Ribeiro’s doorstep
- Filling Randall Emmet’s voicemail box because he once said he was close to a guy who was friends with Jared Leto’s uncle
- Fetal position in the back alley of SUR
- Upvoting Redditors who say Ariana’s final dance was off-beat
- As a roadie for Luann De Lesseps’ Countess Cabaret
- Wearing a baseball hat and signing copies of “Fancy AF Cocktails” in the sale section at Walmart just because
- On JoJo Siwa’s back
- Out to lunch with Carl Radke
- On a stage in his living room that’s just an upside-down laundry bin
- NOT eating a sandwich
- On RhymeZone.com, figuring out how to rhyme Roxie with “not that cool”
- Throwing out all of his burner phones used to vote for Jason Mraz
- Seeing if Howie Mandel is hiring
- In the fetal position in Times Square
