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20 Places You Can Find Tom Sandoval After The Week Ariana Madix Has Had

During the first week of December 2023, Ariana Madix came in third place on Dancing with the Stars, announced her upcoming Broadway debut at Roxie Hart in Chicago, and released her own cocktail book “Single AF Cocktails: Drinks for Bad B*tches.” Who’s got two thumbs, a huge ego, and a ginormous, rotting jealous pit in his stomach at this very moment? Tom Sandoval.

HE was supposed to be the star! HE should be playing his trumpet in a Tony-Award-winning Broadway show! HE should’ve been hip-thrusting in front of Carrie Ann Inaba! HE should have a library of his own cocktail books by now, it’s his passion, damnit!

But he isn’t, he wasn’t, and he never will be, because he’s a sucky person. I know we’re all tired of the Sandoval Slander, and we can leave it in 2023. But I’ve got three more weeks left, so indulge me and let me imagine where he is while Ariana is on top of the world.

  1. Crying in the shower
  2. At a West Hollywood Karaoke bar belting “All I Care About (is Love)”
  3. Buying a fedora to look like Billy Flynn
  4. Stretching his inner thighs and working on his splits
  5. Applying for a job at Ellen’s Stardust Diner
  6. In Ariana Grande’s DMs, maybe she can introduce him to her Broadway BF?
  7. On Alfonso Ribeiro’s doorstep
  8. Filling Randall Emmet’s voicemail box because he once said he was close to a guy who was friends with Jared Leto’s uncle
  9. Fetal position in the back alley of SUR
  10. Upvoting Redditors who say Ariana’s final dance was off-beat
  11. As a roadie for Luann De Lesseps’ Countess Cabaret
  12. Wearing a baseball hat and signing copies of “Fancy AF Cocktails” in the sale section at Walmart just because
  13. On JoJo Siwa’s back
  14. Out to lunch with Carl Radke
  15. On a stage in his living room that’s just an upside-down laundry bin
  16. NOT eating a sandwich
  17. On, figuring out how to rhyme Roxie with “not that cool”
  18. Throwing out all of his burner phones used to vote for Jason Mraz
  19. Seeing if Howie Mandel is hiring
  20. In the fetal position in Times Square
Steph Perlman
Steph Perlman
Steph Perlman is Betches' Entertainment Editor. She's a Kardashian historian, Real Housewives enthusiast, and Pete Davidson apologist.