Your Summer 2020 Horoscopes: Can You Get A Tan Over Zoom?

What even is summer 2020 at this point? Most vacations are on a hard pause due to travel restrictions, and all your usual summer activities (music festivals, bar hopping, sex with strangers) are also canceled. But fear not! Each sign still has ways to make this the best summer ever. Or at least, to make it not the worst summer ever. And that’s at least something.


Your planetary ruler, Mars, is keeping your summer hot, hot, hot, even if you’re spending it mostly inside in slightly-too-cold AC. While this would have normally been a summer of hitting up bars and making out with randos, those activities are on pause for the foreseeable future, so make sure to leave yourself open to finding love in unexpected ways and in unexpected places. Zoom calls have private messaging for a reason.


This summer’s summer love is… you, Taurus! This summer you are focused on loving your own damn self, which is good because that’s the only person you can reliably hang out with until there’s a vaccine. Get your self-care routines poppin’, so even if you can’t actually attend the relaxed beach weekend you had planned, you can bring the relaxed beach vibes to your own home… in the form of day drinking and bubble baths. Every. Single. Day.


You feel that? That’s growth, Gemini. Get used to it. This summer will be all about learning big life lessons and figuring out what the f*ck it is you want from this crazy thing called “human existence.” Use the time you would have spent bar hopping to answer life’s greatest mysteries like, “who are the people I actually give a sh*t about when the world is ending?” and “If summer happens but there are no music festivals to celebrate… is it really summer?”


Unfinished business? That ends now. This summer, people, ideas, and, yes, lovers of the past will all make their way back into your life and force you to tie up loose ends. Instead of drawing the shutters and crying about quarantine for the next three months, face these blasts from the pasts head on. Who knows? Maybe he actually has changed! Or at least, maybe he’s changed enough to be a good option until you can actually meet new people again.


You’re finding ways to make summer romance work this year, despite the limited availability of meet-cutes. The next few months will be all about redefining romance for yourself, like they say in that ad that keeps running on Hulu. This summer, don’t be afraid to play by a different set of rules when it comes to your love life. Respond to texts (or don’t) with abandon! Video chat with someone you haven’t met IRL! Even if it doesn’t work out, you’ll still have some great stories for your memoir. (BTW you should totally write that memoir…)


Get ready for a social(ly distanced) summer, Virgo! It should come as no surprise that you’ll be leading the charge in keeping your crew together this summer, quarantine be damned! And tbh, who would you rather trust to plan a group cabin weekend (while also guilt-tripping everyone to get tested)? Somebody else? No f*cking way. While everyone else complains about having nothing to do, you’ll be taking initiative and finding ways to still make summer 2020 happen, even if it has to happen in masks.


You’re going to see a lot of progress in your career this, summer, Libra. This will not be a summer spent f*cking off at your desk and counting down the hours. Your motivation level is through the roof, meaning that while Hot Girl Summer is postponed indefinitely, Get Sh*t Done Summer is still in full effect. And you know what follows Get Sh*t Done Summer? Financially Stable Fall. We love to see it.


Vulnerable Girl Summer! You’re using the warmer months to warm up to others, Scorpio, and finally tearing down that epic wall of yours (Donald Trump, take note). Chances are the people you’re spending this summer with are gonna look very similar to the people you’ve been spending the last few months with, meaning you know they are your ride-or-dies. Let yourself open up to them and see how it makes you feel. Remember: these are the people who loved you even in your “wear the same pants every day for a month” phase. You can trust them.


Be careful (or don’t) because this summer you could end up in a love triangle, Sagittarius! Your house of partnerships is all fired up, meaning you might be interested in making partnerships with more than one person. Too bad Love Island isn’t filming. You may find yourself pulled in two different directions romantically, but hey! It’s 2020! If dating apps are to be believed, most guys are in an ethically-non-monogomous-poly-quad anyway, so why not you? Personally we’re just impressed you managed to do all this while in quarantine.


Most summer adventures are canceled, but not for you, Capricorn! Because you’re going on an adventure, all right—an adventure… of the mind! [Cue Magic School Bus theme] This summer is all about expanding your intellectual horizons, whether that be by taking a class, refreshing those eight years of Spanish you took, or just sitting down and reading a damn book for once. Dedicate the hours you would have spent drinking and trading droplets in a biergarten to letting yourself be a student again. It’ll all be worth it when you roll up in September as a semi-professional chess player and all your ex’s new girlfriend has done is get some f*cked up tan lines.


Maybe it’s the summer vibes, maybe it’s the fact that you haven’t had human connection since March, but this summer you are falling hard and fast. And honestly… let yourself! There’s nothing wrong with a summer fling, particularly when every other one of life’s little joys has been put on a hard pause. Allow yourself to really enjoy whatever romantic opportunities come your way, or to reinvigorate the relationship you already have and save the hard questions for when there’s a vaccine.


No more Mrs. Nice-Pice, Pisces! This summer you are taking control of your life, but with your signature dreamy Pisces spin. You’re going at your own pace, prioritizing your own self, and living your damn life. You *can* run that 5k. You *can* refurbish that piece of furniture, or paint that wall, or figure out wtf a 401(k) is or whatever your goals have been. And you can do it at your own pace. Haters be damned!

Images: Bruno Gomiero / Unsplash; Giphy

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.