The NYC Health Department Says We Should Have Sex With Masks On

If you’ve spent your quarantine without a significant other, it’s been a long, sexless three months. Since mid-March, any kind of physical dating has been paused indefinitely, and sex with anyone who’s not your roommate has been, uh, not an option. The only human touch I’ve felt in the last 90 days is that one time when the grocery store cashier insisted on personally handing my receipt to me, and I’ll be honest, it made me feel alive.

But now that states are beginning to reopen, and a lot of people have just decided that they’re done caring about the ongoing pandemic, where do our sex lives go from here? Thankfully the government knows that we all need guidance during this tough time, and the New York City Health Department has released a handy factsheet entitled Safer Sex and COVID-19. Someone at the Health Department has a sense of humor, and the advice ranges from informational to absurd.

First, the factsheet gets us up to speed on COVID-19, saying, “You can get COVID-19 from a person who has it.” Duh? Considering most of us have barely left the house other than to get groceries and protest police brutality, I’d hope we’re all pretty aware of the basics of how coronavirus is contracted.

The factsheet then tells us that it’s safest to only have sex with those close to you, and that “you are your safest sex partner.” But while it’s reassuring to hear that masturbation can’t cause coronavirus (it’s 2020, you never know), I think we’re all reading this for the same reason. We want to know when we can have, like, sex sex. And the NYC government isn’t judging—they get it!

For now, they advise having “as few partners as possible,” and discussing possible COVID exposure and symptoms just like you would any other safe sex topics. But those aren’t the only rules they suggest. They say you should, “avoid kissing anyone who is not part of your small circle,” and that you should strongly consider wearing a mask during sex. If you’ve been looking for a kink to get into, your decision may have just been made for you. In fact, the factsheet specifically suggests that you “Make it a little kinky” by getting creative with your positions. They add that you can use “physical barriers, like walls, that allow sexual contact while preventing close face to face contact.” Did… did the government just advocate for the use of glory holes? I have to say, I’m a little speechless right now. Just remember that apparently “heavy breathing and panting” make spreading the virus more likely, so like, don’t get too into it.

And because the NYC Health Department isn’t a regular mom, they’re a cool mom, they even give guidelines for group sex scenarios, and I appreciate that the Health Department is giving advice suited to a range of sexual preferences. While stipulating that “large gatherings of any type are not safe” right now, they’ve still got some advice for those who “decide to find a crowd.” Again, masks and no kissing are the way to go, but they also add that you should “pick larger, more open, and well-ventilated spaces.” So uh, I guess I’ll see you this weekend at the masked warehouse orgy?

The factsheet also offers a word of advice to those who “usually meet your sex partners online or make a living by having sex.” First of all, props to them for referring to sex workers in such a respectful way. You really love to see it. They suggest not seeing anyone in person for now, and instead utilizing “video dates, sexting, subscription-based fan platforms, sexy ‘Zoom parties’ or chat rooms” if it is an option.

While I greatly appreciate the comedy factor of some of these tips (mainly the glory hole suggestion), all of this advice is real, and we can’t forget the fact that we’re still in the middle of a deadly pandemic. Miss Rona might be getting in the way of your hot girl summer plans, but be sure to make good choices regardless. Thanks for coming to my health class, now get out there and find a sexy Zoom party!

Images: snglrty / Shutterstock

Dylan Hafer
Dylan Hafer
Dylan Hafer has watched over 1000 episodes of Real Housewives because he has his priorities in order. Follow him on Instagram @dylanhafer and Twitter @thedylanhafer for all the memes you could ever want.