It took a lot of convincing to get the Bravoverse to accept the fact that Jax Taylor, Kentucky Muffin, and the emotional hurricane that is Kristen Doute were reentering our lives along with eight of their closest dysfunctional friends. I probably wouldn’t have even bothered trying The Valley if news of Jax and Brittany’s separation hadn’t conveniently broken just weeks before the show’s premiere. Watching their breakup in slow motion, plus Jax and Doute’sVPR-style shit stirring sucked us in, but we stayed for the implosion of Jesse and Michelle’s marriage, Chateau Marmont rumors included. After all the time we’ve spent cringing at Danny, throwing side-eye at Janet, and drooling over Jason (ok, that part was voluntary) we’re just supposed to live with the devastating fact that there isn’t going to be a reunion for season one of The Valley?! It’s an especially hurtful knife in the back considering the cast told us they definitely were having a reunion… before clarifying that actually the opposite was true. With plenty of unresolved beef to go, we the (begrudging) fans are desperately wondering: Why isn’t there a reunion for The Valley? I need answers and I need them now.
Why isn’t The Valley getting a reunion?
I DON’T KNOW (exactly)!!!! But I’m very upset about it. Both Kristen/Luke and Michelle confirmed there would be a reunion and then suddenly took it back as if we’d forget. This leads me to believe production was down and hopeful, but someone at the network decided it was out of budget matched up against the ratings or logistically more trouble than it was worth to fit into the programming schedule. It’s true the bulk of the feedback on the show has been ragging on certain stingy cast members for trying to ice out 50% of the reason we tuned in in the first place. So maybe Bravo (wrongly) assumed we wouldn’t be interested in seeing the group forced together again. I swear to gawd if I find out any of the Valley mamaws or zaddys got the reunion canceled by saying they would skip the taping for a frickin’ dayte noight, I will lose it worse than Jesse at the Capri dinner. But given that reality stars famously love attention, my gut tells me that wasn’t the case.
At this time, I’d like to start by addressing one person, and one person only: Andy Cohen. How could you do this to me, question mark? I know you’re not the only one in charge at Bravo, but reunions are kind of your thing. Don’t you miss asking Jason Cauchi basic questions that point out why he shouldn’t have a wife? Who else could we trust to clear Kristen’s name for starting both Michelle Lally rumors when she really just repeated what other people said with a little razzle-dazzle? I won’t be able to sleep at night until I see you, my Bravoleb Barbara Walters, lovingly get to the bottom of whatever is going on with Zack’s hairline. Andy, we’ve dreamed of seeing Michelle and Kristen sitting in the first chairs, with only you interjecting instead of Danny, after one too many cups of alcohol.
That’s why I’m humbly asking you to host a reunion for The Valley. Twitter is having a field day with Janet Caperna, the likes of which only Lala Kent can rival. You owe it to her (read: us) to give the group the opportunity to ask the hard questions on the main stage with the pregnancy gloves off.
Sincerely signed while wishing you love, Lu, and light,
The entire Bravo fandom, from the Sutton Buttons in California to the Hubbhouse apologists in NYC.
