Due to the international crisis that we lovingly refer to as Scandoval, Vanderpump Rules (a show that by all accounts was on death’s door prior to season 10) has seen a resurgence that Andy Cohen himself couldn’t have predicted. And while I’m happy for all the newbies in the honeymoon phase, googling things like “What does SUR stand for?” and “Who is that man with ponytail hovering in the back of every scene?” with childlike wonder, all of this recent controversy has me thinking about the old. That paired with the cataclysmic cringe factor of watching Tom Sandoval pushed me into a really dark place: repeatedly and voluntarily watching The Valley. There’s been so much anticipation re: Jax and Brittany’s fallout, that the Jax and Kristen situationship of it all snuck right under the radar.
They’ve both committed so many acts of emotional terrorism over the years that we kinda sorta forgot that Kristen and Jax didn’t just sleep together one time and peacefully move on. If we did forget, even for a second, Jax’s intrusive rants about what Doute does with her uterus brought their complicated relationship top of mind. Let’s explore Jax and Kristen’s relationship timeline, once and for all.
Jax and Kristen hook up
Back when the OG SURvers were just babies, waiting tables and eating lots of pasta, Jax was with on-again off-again girlfriend Stassi Schroeder (frankly, the only woman we ever witnessed come close to keeping that man in line). By season 2, Jax and Stassi were off again, but rumors were spreading that Jax had slept with Kristen — Stassi’s best friend — while they were still together. Meanwhile, Kristen was very much in a relationship with Sandoval — Jax’s best friend — at the time of the alleged cheating and during the season-long interrogation. Under much duress, first Jax, and eventually Kristen, admitted to the ultimate betrayal. Both were rewarded with a good ol’ fashioned slap in the face from their respective besties.
Jax and Kristen claimed it only happened twice (once at Tom’s place on his beloved couch), but after making a psychological study of some early-season rewatches and tracking Kristen and Jax’s shady body language, I’d be willing to bet enough to rent out Villa Rosa for a night that it was going on for much longer than we know. It certainly didn’t help that Jax launched an inexplicable vendetta against James for seemingly no other reason than entering a relationship with Kristen. Jealousy, perhaps?
Kristen and Brittany hook up…according to Jax
After being exposed for cheating together, Kristen and Jax kept their distance for a while (plus Kristen was too busy screaming at Tom Sandoval for Ariana and Miami Girl for an entire season to pay Jax much mind). But by season 4, the gang was back to partying together from West Hollywood to Hawaii, and in no small part thanks to the arrival of Jax’s new fan-turned-girlfriend Brittany. Brittany and Kristen became close friends by season 5. So close, Jax insisted, that Brittany and Kristen hooked up behind his back and he walked in on it. Jax seemed more entertained by causing the whole debacle than upset by being cheated on in spreading the gossip. So, did a Jax/Brittany/Kristen love triangle ever happen? Brittany denied it full stop while Kristen downplayed it as an innocent drunk MO for which her then-boyfriend Carter was present. Either way, these weirdos have added another layer of sexual tension to an already tenuous friendship.
Jax and Kristen stop speaking for four months
For unknown reasons (maybe because Jax was sensationalizing lies about Kristen in order to sabotage her romantic and platonic relationships), Jax and Kristen temporarily cut ties for four months after the season 6 finale. Always one to clean up Jax’s messes, Brittany brought the two back together after the passing of Jax’s father.
Jax Blocks Kristen (and Luke) on The Valley
On the first episode of their long-awaited (read: begged for) return, Luke confronts Jax for blocking him on Instagram, to which Jax replies that he blocks Kristen all the time for “pissing him off” so basically, Luke should get used to it. Jax then tells anyone in their circle who will listen how unprepared Kristen is for parenthood, and why she and Luke won’t last. It’s standard protocol for this group to sling unsolicited opinions, but the way Jax talks about his brother/sister bond with Kristen is a wee bit odd considering (under most circumstances) brothers don’t bang their sisters multiple times, as the group points out to him. The way Jax for years now has insisted on picking on Kristen, while simultaneously acting protective of her behind her back, gives middle school crush on steroids. The recently separated husband and father has made it clear he expects this whole rift with Brittany to blow over soon enough, but if things don’t work out, why is it easy to picture a world in which Kristen and Jax somehow end up together? I’m gonna need Tom Sandoval’s breathwork coach to clear my mind after thinking about it.
