I’m Really Confident In My Predictions About Who’s Leaving ‘VPR’

We don’t know everything about the Vanderpump Rules season 11 reunion, but we do know the group will never be the same. Rumors of a historic showdown between Ariana and Lala at the reunion, plus evidence of the growing turmoil between Lala and Katie during the season, topped off by the 24/7 tension caused by the worm with a mustache constantly worming have led me to one very obvious conclusion: The current group is not sustainable. Meaning, somebody doesn’t have to go home, but they gotta the hell out of here. If we’re keeping it a buck fifty, the entire series was on the chopping block prior to Scandoval rewiring our collective brain chemistry, but the adrenaline from the unhinged betrayal could only last so long.

I’m as thirsty for conflict as the next Bravoholic, but the current set-up showcases far too little camaraderie, and dare I add, tomfoolery, to justify low vibrational group interactions like an aimless water-tasting washed down by Domino’s pizza. Here are some specific predictions as to who will leave VPR season 12 (if I’m right, give me my flowers. If I’m wrong, I’m just a girl).

Definitely Staying: The Toms, Scheana/Brock, James/Ally

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Both the Toms and Summer Moon’s parents are collectively far too thirsty to give up an opportunity to be on camera and are desperate enough to move heaven and earth to make sure that doesn’t happen, for a variety of reasons. Tom Schwartz needs a paycheck since he stopped sleeping with his last roommate, Tom Sandoval needs attention to function like most of us need serotonin, and Scheana and her sugar baby would have to be kidnapped to a remote planet via an alien abduction before they could stop her from showing up at Sexy Unique Restaurant. Worth mentioning an internet rumor says Sandoval and Lisa Vanderpump recently got into a major fight, but again, I’m confident he’d do anything to worm his way back into her good graces. On the other hand, James and Ally are actually young people growing in the entertainment industry in LA (the premise of the show, IIRC) and have pretty much the only pseudo-healthy relationship VPR has to offer at the moment, so no way they’re getting the boot.

Tentative: Katie and Lala

After many tequila-incited parking lot showdowns, Katie is finally at the perfect level of not giving a fuck what anyone thinks about her. This makes her the most enjoyable she’s been to watch probably ever, but it also means I doubt she’d fight tooth and nail to stay on a cast with her childish ex and delusional frenemies. Also, someone’s got to get that goddamn sandwich shop open. I could see her staying if they let her bring more allies aboard (sorry, not you, Dayna) or walking, depending on who else is left behind. Lala Kent, conversely, is spiraling on the internet in real-time, making it clear how much this show means to her. And much like a toddler squeezing their kitty too hard, she may control-freak her way out of a spot on the roster if she keeps attempting to character-assassinate Ariana, Katie, and anyone who once looked at her wrong into a microphone. Lala claims she doesn’t care what the fans think because she’s always ~lived her life~ only for herself, but I’d like to counter that someone who moved states, changed their name, said they were possessed by the spirit of Tupac, tried to make adult bottle sucking a thing, admitted to banging a married mystery man and recently documented her insemination, all for a tv show, probably is mentally invested in the people at home tuning in. This season we were supposed to have witnessed “soft Lala” but if she doesn’t get fired (which my gut says she won’t), can we return to authentic Lala? The one who doesn’t strategically meet with the least-liked people on the cast for screen time?

Leaving: Ariana Madix

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As her observant pals have pointed out incessantly, Ariana has had quite a bit going on. While a GLAD Bag commercial probably wasn’t time-consuming enough to quit her job, Ariana has performed on Broadway and could again, is set to dance on DWTS (sorry She Schu), and is the upcoming host of Love Island: USA which typically films overseas. I’m sure Ariana could make time for Bravo if she wanted to, but why would she when the majority of the cast threw empathy out the window once her spon checks started clearing? Her relationship with LVP has changed AKA she feels Lisa leaned to Sandoval’s side, and her friendship with Scheana must surely be in dire straits since Scheana began volunteering as Lala’s Secretary of Defense in light of all the bizarre shade Lala has thrown Ariana’s way. What does Ariana really have to stay for? The answer is nothing. Do I think she’ll disappear without a trace? Unlikely. But if someone like her bestie Logan (who works at TomTom), wiggles his way onto the cast, I could see Ariana making a surprise cameo to keep these bitches shook, versus remaining their full-time coworker.