Hello my little cherubs!
It’s your Fairy Bridesmother back with another blog post about how to survive the wedding season. And by season, I mean every weekend for the rest of your life and/or at least until your mid-thirties.
As your tear-stained letters have confirmed, there’s been a recent uptick in creative wedding dress codes. It seems as though the brides have wandered far from the safety of the Pinterest board. Naughty, naughty!
Jessica A. wrote in, “Despite marriage being like the most basic thing you can do, my cousin is acting like her wedding is the goddamn Met Gala. What the hell is Tropical Formal?”
Please try to understand, my itty bitty single babies! The bride in your life simply wants her special day to stand out. Can you blame her if she wants to rival Anna Wintour? That betch is so annoying and deserves to be brought down a peg or two. (Also, she’s terrible at sending out invites because I’ve never received mine.)
But not to fret, my little whittle baby darlings! I’ve gathered the wedding dress codes you’ve sent in and broke down exactly what you should wear and the overall aesthetic of the affair. If you find it helpful, make sure to subscribe to my other newsletter My Baby Is a Dick for advice on how to parent cute little assholes.
@betches If you put “chic” after it, it makes sense. #weddingdresscodes #weddingdresscodes #weddingdresscodeinspo #weddingguestdress ♬ original sound – betches
White Eden Virginal Chic
Don’t be alarmed when you initially receive the invitation. At first glance, it could be assumed you’ve been invited to a sacrifice. And at second glance, you would be correct. So consider wearing something elegant that you wouldn’t mind getting blood on.
1960’s Pirates of the Caribbean Chic
A less formal wedding attire, don’t be afraid to experiment with poofy white shirts and/or tunics. Also, make note that your bride is asking you to take a risk with your depth perception. And by that I mean, it’s definitely going to be BYOEP (Bring Your Own Eye Patch). Throw up a couple peace signs during group photos, challenge the Best Man to a sword fight, and call it a day.
Woodland Fairy Vampire Chic
How comfortable are you with wearing wings? With this dress code, it’s an absolute must. Shelling out for sharp canines is not required, but it’s a nice touch if you’re in the wedding party. Plus, it will make it easier to tear into that incredibly dry chicken that will be served at the reception.
Coastal Country Club Courtside Chic
My personal favorite is when dress codes overlap with interior design. Just dress like you’re a regular on HGTV House Hunters with season tickets to the Knicks. And by that I mean, khakis are king.
Twilight Country House But Make It Willy Wonka Chic
If you’ve got this golden ticket, do not fuck it up by showing up with blood-stained lips like an idiot. This is Twilight vampire, not Dracula vampire. Invest in quality body glitter and, whatever you do, do NOT leave your top hat and cane at home. Be sure to name drop Robert Pattinson and Timothée Chalamet at every opportunity.
James Bond Meets A Bug’s Life Chic
Fair warning, this wedding will expect you to win a high stakes game of poker against a crew of carnies. The good news is that you’ll successfully seduce a woman named something weirdly sexual, like Holly Goodhead or Plenty O’Toole. The bad news is that she’ll probably die at the hands of an evil villain and/or an angry grasshopper named Thumper. Wear a tux.
Magic Kingdom Sex Dungeon Chic
We all have that friend who thinks they’re sex-positive but are actually just an asshole. But, who am I to stop Nancy from making out with her fiancé at Grandma’s wake? Let that freak flag fly, girl! For Nancy’s wedding, she will be expecting you to come in full leather and Mickey Mouse ears because did I mention that she’s a Disney Adult? The kinky ones always are.
Black Tie Under the Sea Chic
A mermaid gown will suffice.