There’s nothing I love more than checking the mail after a busy day of pretending to do my job, only to find out my distant cousin/childhood pal/competitive frenemy is getting married, and *I* am invited to the shindig. Don’t get me wrong — weddings can be fun. But that can also be expensive, exhausting, and sometimes even awkward. That’s why I’d love it if, just once, wedding invitations were a little more honest.
My issue is that all the invites I receive just feel so…fake. We’re talking full names for folks I have in my phone as “Steph Pi Phi,” fancy ass script for people who definitely can’t read cursive, and a pretentious air of maturity even though I’ve seen most of my friends vomit in Ubers at one point or another.
From the college friends who should have broken up years ago but now want you to come to their country club celebration and watch them look miserable all night, to the 20-year-old cousin who thinks marrying her high school boyfriend is cute and not actually the biggest mistake of her life, here are a few honest wedding invites that would make me feel better about spending $2,465 in travel, lodging, and gifts for a night of choreographed dances and cold crab cakes.