Congrats On Being A Nice Person For Once: Weekly Horoscopes April 9-13

This week, Mars and Venus are at a 120 degree angle, meaning everyone is actually being nice to each other. Weird. This, combined with the fact that the weather might actually be warming up, is a p. dangerous combo. I guess what your weekly horoscope April 9 – 13 is trying to say is, babies will be made this week, people. Make sure you’re prepared—or at least have a plan B. (Get it?)


This week you’re going to be feeling inspired af, meaning there may be a to do list in your future. Your ruler, Mars, is in your goal-oriented house, so the chances that you finally start that goddamn bullet journal your Taurus friends won’t STFU about are very high. Just remember, Aries: starting shit is your strong suit. Finishing it is not.


Soooo you know how you like, hate doing anything that isn’t sitting in your bed watching Netflix? Yeah, this is not the week for that. This week Venus is chilling in your sign, meaning that your chances of getting laid are like, 100%. Seriously. All you have to do is leave your apartment, and your next dick appointment will find you. But again, this will require you to leave the house. Start mentally preparing now.


Grab the tissues, Gemini, because you are likely to catch feelings this week. The position of Venus in relation to Mars is opening up your cold, dead heart, making it easier for you to fall in love with whoever may slide into your DMs. And not only that, this week is actually perfect for settling the score with your longtime frenemy. Clear out some of that dusty winter drama so you can make room for some sexy summer drama. You know there will be plenty.


It’s not your fault your so popular this week, Cancer. Thank Mars and Venus. You’re feeling randomly social right now, so why not capitalize on it? This week, accept every happy hour offer, text that friend you’ve been meaning to text, and swipe right with abandon. Who knows how long your feelings of love for humanity will last?


For once in your life, Leo, you’re looking for some effing stability. Keep your eye out for a nice guy this weekend, because you might finally be attracted to someone who isn’t a total fuckboy. Even if the love of your life doesn’t appear, take time to focus on your existing friendships this week. Maybe get the brunch crew back together now that it’s not so cold and sad out all the time. You’ll reconnect with old friends and catch up on the latest goss. What’s not to love?


You’re emotional this week, and that’s okay. Just let it happen. Watch that episode of Queer Eye where the guy comes out to his stepmom for the first time and just let the tears flow. Send that incoherent midnight text to your childhood best friend saying you miss her. Tell a guy you just met that you love him. Wait, actually, don’t do that last thing…


You’re feeling like a nice person (for once) this week, congrats! So nice, in fact, that you may feel compelled to—shocker—be nice to your coworkers. Maybe you’ll grab some extra coffee on your morning Starbucks run, or feel compelled to bring in a box of donuts. Give in to these nice girl instincts now, because Denise in accounting may return the favor later.


This is the week to make money moves, Scorpio. Deals—they’re being sealed. Hands—they’re being shaken. Investments—they’re being made. Follow your best business instincts and get everything written down on paper because the effects of Venus and Mars mean that you might be able to seriously up your pay grade. Just don’t spend that money until it actually hits your account, k?


It’s time for your spring glow-up! Get excited. Sunday’s new moon in Aries means that you’re going to be suddenly inspired to change up your look, and honestly, trust your instincts. Make that hair appointment. Buy that jumpsuit. Whatever it is, the fashion Gods are smiling upon you and it would be literally insane not to listen to them.


If you notice your Instagram followers go wayyyy up this week, that’s because Venus is currently hanging in Taurus, your fifth house of fame, flamboyance, and romance. Maybe send off a warning text to your friends now, because this week you’re going to be the center of attention and there’s just nothing anybody can do about it. It’s literally in the stars.


Here are the words everyone is always waiting to hear: You have permission to cancel plans. This week, focus on intimate relationships (aka ‘Netflix and Chills’) over big, public outings. If you already packed your schedule with happy hours, there’s no harm in planting the seeds that you’re “not feeling so great” now, so nobody will call you a flake when you cancel day of. I mean, they’ll probably still call you a flake, but at least you have an alibi.


This week you’re going to be stepping it up in your friend group and becoming the one who makes all the plans. Get your group chat ready, because you will be in the mood to coordinate some kind of group outing. God bless you. Make a reservation now for your favorite brunch spot and check out what kind of cool events are going on in your area. This week, you are the group mom and honestly your friends will be thanking you for it when the pics of your girls night get like, a thousand likes.

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Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.