Who Needs Love? Weekend Horoscopes February 14-16

Happy F*cking Valentine’s Day weekend, fam. This majestic make-pretend holiday is the perfect opportunity for couples everywhere to exchange cards bought hastily in Target on the way home, cook (and burn) elaborate dinners that would send Gordon Ramsay into therapy, and engage in some truly heinous once-a-year-lingerie sex positions.

We do hope your weekend is a bit more engaging than all that, but only the planets and stars can know for sure, obviously.


It may be Valen-weekend, but your heart is in professional sh*t Saturday and Sunday, Aquarius. Whether it’s finishing that project that’s been hanging over your head for months or updating your resume on Indeed so people can offer you a job doing half the work for three times the money, you need to just focus on #work these next few days. On the flip side, if you are around, like, other people, make sure you’re showing big time gratitude—especially Friday and Saturday. It can go a long way to say “thank you” instead of “ew” or “why are you the way you are.”


It’ll be a lovefest for you this weekend, Pisces. This weekend you’ll want to lean into your adventurous side while simultaneously doling out love and compliments to people you care about. Friday night should be an opportunity to shower your besties with appreciation and love, so head out and be nice to each other over drinks. Reserve Saturday and Sunday for love with your SO and/or yourself. Both are like, equally important.


A full moon in Scorpio spells sexy time for you this weekend, Aries. You’ll be feeling super in tune with your significant other all weekend long, so make an event of this made-up holiday and do all the cheesy things. Dinner, wine, weird lingerie from the fancy section of Victoria’s Secret, and flowers that’ll die by next week. If you’re single, use the weekend as an opportunity to pounce on vulnerable mates dying for attention.


Romance will be on your mind this weekend, Taurus, and it has more to do with the planets than the sh*tty marketing by Hallmark. If you’re single, stop hiding in your apartment and take a chance on a few dates with totally different people. You may be pleasantly surprised by one on Saturday. Since the stars are lining up just so, you’ll also have a good chance at an adult sleepover. Here’s to ending your dry spell.


Love yourself this Valentine’s Day, Gemini. You’ve been super wrapped up in the wants and needs of others the last few weeks and, while that’s super cute and v nice, you need to take care of your own sh*t, too. I mean, when was the last time those feet had a pedi? When was the last time you overpaid for a nice massage? This February 14, light the candles and pour the wine for yourself. If it isn’t too cold, take a walk outside or journal in a park on Saturday. Sunday you need to find your comfiest clothes and sleep for 10-15 hours cause, like, you’ve earned it.


You’ve got good vibes going on all weekend, Cancer, so spread the love allllll around. Friday night is a chance to host friends for wine and snuggles—especially friends that may not have a Valentine (SAD). Re-watch The Bachelor and point out all the ways you, too, could personally victimize Peter Weber. Saturday is a chance to do something adventurous with your partner or a potential SO. Get some weird side-by-side massages together, try out hot yoga, or just go to a restaurant with cuisine that scares you.


Focus on family this weekend, Leo, especially those that may be lonely on Valentine’s Day. Call your grandmother and let her rattle off memories of the good ol’ days. Drop in on your cousin going through a messy divorce. Or just text your mom and let her know you’re grateful she didn’t scar you during your childhood. In your spare time, clean your f*cking apartment. That laundry you’ve been staring at for two weeks is starting to smell funny.


It’s all about creativity this weekend, Virgo, so make some Valentines with glitter and dried noodles and put them in people’s mailboxes to scare them. You could also just have a crafting party with your friends on Saturday—complete with glue, glitter, fake rhinestones, and alcohol. You’d be amazed at the amazing poetry you’re capable of two bottles of wine in. If you’re brave enough, you can deliver one of these to your crush. You could also hide it in a shoebox under your bed. You do you.


Mercury is peer-pressuring you to share your feelings this weekend, Libra, and it’s super approps since it’s Valentine’s Day and all. Use Friday to let your friends know how much you love and appreciate them, then reserve Saturday for your SO. Communicating appreciation is the name of the game, and even though everyone kind of collectively pissed you off this week, it’s a great time to put it aside and focus on the good sh*t.


Sensuality is bubbling to the surface this weekend, Scorpio, and you’re feeling confident as a result. On Friday, head to the front of your yoga class and let everyone bask in the glory of your workout #mood. Your ability to love yourself will trickle into all of your other relationships, and Saturday is a great chance to meet and attract new friends.


Let your SO feel the love this weekend, Sagittarius. Whether you want to treat them to dinner, take them out for something they want to actually do (probs not shopping the sale section at Anthropologie or going to brunch with your girlfriends), or watch their fav movie (even though it’s Predator and you hate Predator), it’s time to put yourself aside to show your appreciation.


All aboard the friendship, Capricorn. Although Valentine’s weekend is usually reserved for gross couples, the Scorpio Moon is actually pushing you to focus on all the amazing friends in your life. Make time on Friday night for a group dinner either at your place or out somewhere casual (not Olive Garden). Saturday should be spent focused on each other’s company at a brewery or winery where you can relive your glory days and discuss who you all dated and what you were thinking.

Images: Giphy (12)

Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson