The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Pachi Is In The House

Welcome back, Bachelor fam, to another Monday spent at the mercy of ABC! In the five days since the last episode of The Bachelor aired, the weather reports in my area have ranged from 60 degree days to 30 degree days, from hurricane and extreme flooding warnings to snow and black ice alerts. If this is not a sign from God Herself that this show is blasphemous and the beginning of the end for all humanity, then I’m not sure what is. Luckily for you betches, a hellmouth could literally swallow me whole and, as long as I have access to the WiFi and a way to stream the latest episode, I would not consider it a red flag. 

This week, Peter and his co-pilots will be in Lima, Peru, and 10 bucks says Peter is going to meet the women in a full-on poncho and sombrero get-up. He’s one with the people, you guys!!

ME: Maybe ABC won’t flaunt Peter’s loose Cuban heritage in a bid to seem more diverse and inclusive.
PETER: Yes mamí, it’s Pachi!!

Christ. Never mind. 

Before any date cards can be read, Peter shows up at the hotel to beg for the women’s adoration once more. “Please take this seriously,” he says with a giant boo-boo on his head. I guess it’s getting close to Hometowns now, and he wants to remind them that he’s not just going to show up in a place like Iowa for them NOT to sleep with him in the fantasy suite, mmkay?

Madison’s One-On-One Date

Madison gets the first one-on-one date of the week, and it’s the first bit of actual screen time she’s had since week one when she walked out of the limo. Seriously, when her name was called it took me a solid few minutes to even place her outside of a group date or a rose ceremony when she’s not surrounded by at least three other women’s hair extensions. 

I love that Madison puts on those spider eyelashes for the occasion and Peter decides to leave his maxipad of a bandaid at home. It’s the little things that can keep a romance alive. 

Peter says that Madi is his best friend here, and I can absolutely see that. I half expect this date to end with the two of them making friendship bracelets or looking at each other’s Pinterest boards for caption inspo for their Instagram posts of this date. 

Their date is actually pretty cute, but it’s hard for me to root for them when I’ve seen absolutely zero of their romance play out on-screen. She tells Peter that she’s in this for him and she can see them together after the show and it’s like, I can barely see them together now!! 

Okay, these soft kisses are making me GAG. Butterfly kisses are things I wrote about in my 7th grade diary, but have no place on a Peruvian boat date with grown-ass adults!!

As we move into the evening portion of the date, Madison reveals that she does, in fact, have some baggage to reveal before Peter makes a decision about her and Hometowns. You can tell Peter is running through all the scenarios of what it could possibly be in his mind. He’s like “maybe it’s divorce? Bullying? That she only placed third in her last pageant??”

Oh god, it’s worse. So much worse. Madison reveals to Peter that she’s actually very religious and, look, there’s nothing wrong with that, but there’s no place for it on a show whose very foundation is built on spitting on the sanctity of marriage. Suddenly the butterfly kisses are making so much more sense. And here I thought she was just going to tell him that she still has a hymen! 

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She tells him that she has a very strong relationship with the lord and so does her dad, and I would LOVE to know what her daddy thinks about Peter’s little windmill claim to fame. She mentions her faith and the lord about 12 more times and Peter’s like “yeah same, same, but I’m the kind of Christian who still likes to watch porn, you know?” 

PETER: Let’s not let this little thing like THE LORD get in the way of us f*cking though, k?

Always the diplomat, Peter. 

Wooooooow. Did Peter just say he was falling in love with her?! That’s kind of soon considering we only just met Madison this week! He gives Madison the rose, so I guess we’ll get to see firsthand what her god-fearing father thinks of Peter and his salsa hips. Can’t wait!

Natasha’s One-On-One Date

Hannah Ann announces that Natasha is getting the second one-on-one date of the week—at least that’s what I think she said, but honestly it’s hard to tell after she absolutely butchered reading that date card. It was less of a pronunciation and more of just a series of mumbles followed by a loud “yay!” Clearly Hannah Ann doesn’t have as great a grasp on the Spanish language as Peter does. Perhaps Pachi will give you a lesson later!

Natasha walks out to meet Peter and you can tell he literally cannot pick her out of a crowd. He’s looking left and right until a producer helpfully points in her general direction. But, sure, tell me more about their strong connection, ABC!

I love that he keeps bringing up his injury. He’s like “doesn’t it look good without the Band-Aid??” and Natasha has to hold in a dry heave while pretending to be interested in his still-oozing wound.

Don’t lie, Natasha. You’re better than that.

Peter says that he’s still unsure about Natasha, but he always has a “good time” with her. If my dog could talk, this is what she’d say about me. 

I’ve been racking my brain as to why Peter would keep Natasha around for so long when there seems to be zero romantic chemistry between the two of them, and now I’m starting to think it’s maybe because he’s scared of her. The last time he forgot to show her affection, she completely commandeered his rose ceremony and made him eliminate the only girl he was excited about taking to the Fantasy Suites. 

My theory is further proven when he throws on a Peruvian hat and pretends to be the lord of the dance. If you can’t find the courage to dump someone, you might as well disgust them into leaving of their own accord, amiright Peter?

Seriously, what fresh hell is this?

He’s like, “I’ve seen many sides of you” and it’s like, is that what we’re calling being cursed out at a rose ceremony these days? Natasha seems pleased by this conversation, so he continues to lay the compliments on thick. He keeps saying things like “you’re so bold and feisty,” and these are adjectives I use to describe myself on dating app profiles when I actually mean “outwardly hostile.” I’m on to you, Peter.

Things are not looking great for our girl Tash as we head into the evening portion of the date. Natasha seems to think that just because Peter is slightly frightened of her, that means that he’ll keep her around. Noticing his hesitance, she brings up the fact that she’s 31, as if this is supposed to make him recognize that she’s emotionally mature enough for marriage and not just make him physically recoil, as he’s doing at this very moment. Look, Natasha, the median age of the women left this season is “legal enough,” so I doubt that’s going to impress him, sweetie. 

ME: I hope Peter treads very carefully. She’s 31 and felt like her last option for marriage involved a reality dating show. She clearly has nothing left to lose.
PETER: *dangles the rose in front of her face* Let’s be friends, K?

PETER. Why would you pick up the rose and then not hand it to her?! Peter admits that he only has platonic feelings for Natasha and, while I think it’s f*cking cruel and unusual punishment to tell her like this as he dangles a rose (and her last chance at marriage) right in front of her face, this really should have been done weeks ago. 

You were a real one, Natasha. Can’t wait to see you in Paradise, girl!

Kelsey’s One-On-One Date

Moving on! Kelsey gets the last one-on-one date of the week, and she’s worried that this means she’ll be sent home like Natasha. Kelsey, honey, the man took your side in an argument over CHAMPAGNE. I think you’re good.

Peter keeps saying how much he loves exploring and going on adventures and it’s like, the last time you “explored” a stationary golf cart you split your forehead open like Humpty Dumpty. Should you really be pushing your luck with this four-wheeler? All I know is that if I have to see another lumpy flesh-colored bandage I’ll kill myself. I will.

I can tell Kelsey is really into him because she doesn’t even seem turned off by Peter’s heavy breathing as he climbs that small hill. He’s acting like he needs one of those masks that falls out of the overhead compartment, he’s so out of breath.

Honestly, I’m hoping Kelsey makes it to hometowns. I’ve been dying to know what a “professional clothier” is for weeks now. Does it mean she works at a Kohl’s, folding last season’s LC by Lauren Conrad, OR does it mean she actually does unboxing videos on IG, but only of clothes she bought herself? The suspense is killing me!!!

Peter asks Kelsey about what he can expect from Iowa if he was to go to her hometown, and she tells him broken dreams and a confrontation with her absentee father. Um, I’m pretty sure he was just wondering if there was like, a county fair or some cultural landmark he couldn’t miss, but sure that answer works too. 

I will say that this is the first date where Kelsey hasn’t been edited to seem like some sort of drunken monster, and I love it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, deranged looks good on her, but it’s nice to see other facets of her personality. She actually seems like a real person, and I can understand why Peter likes her. When he gives her the rose, I’m not opposed. Carry on. 

The Group Date

Instead of an official rose ceremony, we’re told that the final roses will be given out during a group date between Kelley, Victoria F, and Hannah Ann. To ease their concerns, Peter leaves them with a date card that just says: “tomorrow won’t be easy.” Lol PETER! I haven’t seen something this foreboding since Moira Rose’s The Crows Have Eyes 3 trailer.

If anyone is not worried about this date, it’s Kelley. She knows that her competition is a girl who is young enough to think liking Hilary Duff is “vintage” and Victoria F, who won’t stop crying. Yeah, I’d like those odds too. 

Okay is it just me, or does it feel like every time Kelley talks about Peter she’s insulting him? I LOVE IT. 

IS HE BRINGING UP THE BANDAGE THING AGAIN?! He’s like “I got the bandage off you guys!” Yes, Peter, we can tell! That lumpy piece of fabric glued to your forehead was not fooling anyone. We knew it wasn’t skin!

Peter launches into some Spanish with the locals, as if any of the women on this date are going to understand what they’re saying. Hannah Ann is over here trying to remember the bits of Spanish she learned on her IG influencer trip to Cabo last year, while Kelley looks for animal shapes in the clouds. I’m guessing “mas tequila” isn’t going to cut it on this date, Hannah Ann! 

Peter pulls Hannah Ann aside first, and I feel like this is because he’s the most sure about her—or at least the most sure that he’d like to take her to the Fantasy Suites. During their last date, he voiced some concerns about their connection not being very deep. He wanted Hannah Ann to open herself up to him more emotionally. It seems she really took this advice to heart, because she came to the group date armed with a page ripped straight out of her diary. 

You guys, she dots her i’s with hearts!! Is this supposed to convince him she’s ready for something as serious as holy matrimony?? I bet you 100 million dollars that the other side of that sheet says “Mrs. Weber.” Or, more appropriately, “Señora Weber.”

HANNAH ANN ON THIS DATE RN:
Kelley goes second, and I’m worried she might be drunk. She’s like, flailing around, talking about how much fun she’s had on this trip. Meanwhile, Peter is giving her the same look my dad gave me when he saw my FB photo album from my sophomore year spring break trip to Daytona Beach. He’s not mad, he’s just disappointed. 

I think Peter is worried that Kelley might not be serious enough for him, and I get why he thinks that. She isn’t falling all over her feet to impress him, and she keeps using the word “fun” in the wrong way. It’s not that I don’t think she’s serious about him per se, but she’s not expressing herself in the typical Bachelor-contestant way. It’s a shame, because I think this might be her downfall and I love her. 

After having a mature, well-adjusted conversation with Kelley, Peter gets to witness a truly deranged meltdown from Victoria F. 

PETER: *says something completely reasonable*
VICTORIA: I just feel like you’re always in a mood!!!

YOU’RE ALWAYS IN A MOOD. These are things I’ve said to my mom after she helped me with my taxes and then dares ask me do a favor for her in return. These are NOT things you say to your future husband when he asks you about your future together.

And, like, what are they even fighting about? All she ever does is mumble sh*t under her breath and cry. I’m over it. 

It’s time to hand out the roses, and I’d like to say Peter would send Victoria home, but I’m not as confident as Kelley about that. She’s like, “I don’t know how Peter could send me home. Look at me, I’m an attorney” but I almost have a feeling that’s not going to work in your favor, Kel.

Okay wait. Is he sending Victoria home?! He grabbed the rose but also he’s walking her out of the house like he’s about to pass her off to security. Would Peter actually make a mature, level-headed decision about his future? Could it really be?

Oh wait, sike! He’s keeping her. Peter says that he and Victoria just have a “unique relationship” which is definitely code for “I’d still like to see her naked in the near future.” Ah, yes. It’s making all the sense in the world now. 

And then there were two. It’s down to Hannah Ann and Kelley, a girl who signs her name like the 8-year-old who lives down the street from me, and an age-appropriate woman with a sparkling personality and actual career. Sadly, I already know where this is going. And what do you know! He gives Hannah Ann the final rose. 

I guess Kelley shouldn’t have said the word “fun” so much. Either that, or she shouldn’t have been born in the earlier half of the 1990s. 

Okay, I am LIVING for Kelley’s exit interview in the limo. She points out that Peter might think he’s ready for marriage, but his actions speak differently. The women he’s surrounded himself with have the emotional maturity of a kindergarten class. You did it to yourself, Petey! 

And that’s a wrap for this week, betches! Hometowns are next week, so start preparing yourself now for Pachi to introduce himself in Spanish to Midwesterners. Until then!

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