There’s no question that people are staying in Congress for way too long. Mitch McConnell isn’t explaining why he froze up on camera twice in as many months, Dianne Feinstein is in her 90s, and Matt Gaetz never should have been elected in the first place. Clearly, we need some sort of term limit, but I don’t think it’s fair to go based on age, as everyone ages differently. For example, Vivek Ramaswamy is only 38, but he holds the climate change views of an 189-year-old, who died before Al Gore invented the internet so that he could spread the word on global warming.
Instead, I believe we need something more nuanced, a clear set of guidelines to indicate when a term is over. And before you say, “Isn’t that the point of voting?” I’d like to remind you that the current Republican front-runner faces a federal indictment for trying to steal an election, so don’t get your hopes up.
So, let’s try these instead. If a Congressperson hits any of the following limits, their term is up:
- Having a child above the retirement age: Being above the retirement age oneself should wipe out half the Senate, so we wanted something more reasonable.
- Failing to remember any of the four Beatles or any of Trump’s 18 co-defendants: Memory matters. Our elected officials need to know what’s in the Constitution beyond simply “guns.” (Hint: The one you’re forgetting is Chesebro).
- Calling Africa a country three times: Efforts to lower this to one or two were blocked by Kevin McCarthy, who was on Safari in his favorite country at the time.
- Switching from a Never-Trumper to a Trump loyalist back to a Never-Trumper five times: Once is standard, twice is forgivable, three times means you just write for the National Review, four times is cringey, and five times is simply unacceptable. Chris Christie is lucky, as he’s not actually in Congress.
- Asking what the interest rate on student loans is: I mean, no one expects you to know, but taxpayers fund your aids…someone should know.
- Forgetting who the Vice President is (twice): Once is okay because they switch every 4-8 years; who can keep track? But just because it turned out the VP can’t unilaterally overturn the results of the election doesn’t mean they don’t matter…and Congresspeople need to know that.
- Tweeting the “my pronouns are xyz” joke six times: The limit needed to be higher than five, or Ted Cruz wouldn’t have a chance. Which…now that I think about it…
- Using “summer” as a verb more than six times: Congresspeople can use it once per summer house they own, but after that, it’s time to go.
- Getting caught on tape running away from an insurrectionist mob they helped incite twice: I guess technically no one’s hit this limit yet, but we all know who’s down to his last running away vid…
- Still being on Facebook: I mean, this is just humiliating.
- Failing to win their speakership 16 times: Honestly, anyone who hits this limit should retire from public life altogether. For the benefit of viewers who suffer from second-hand embarrassment.
- Assuring anyone who’s paid into Social Security that everything will be fine: One and done here.
- Assuring anyone with a medical condition that everything will be fine: Also this.
- Assuring anyone who’s interested in living on this planet in, oh, 20 years or so that everything will be fine: And this.
- Assuring Americans that everything will be fine, while avoiding 125-degree weather in Phoenix by summering in Majorca: At least log off while you’re on vacation. Don’t make things worse.