Image Credit: Fulton County Sheriff's Office

America's Next Top Felon: Every Instruction Trump Got From His Mugshot Photographer

It’s finally happened. The mugshot was taken, which means Trump is going to be treated like every other (incredibly wealthy, white, powerful, ex-president of a) criminal. Thank goodness we have his mugshot; we were so close to having only flattering photos of the President on the internet. But anyone who’s ever had their photo taken professionally knows it’s no easy task — and it requires an expert to get the exact right vibe. And honestly… he did a great job.

Fortunately, Betches was leaked the transcript of the photographer’s instructions to Trump to deliver this beauty. The audio only picked up on his side of it, but I think it’s easy enough to follow. 

  • Okay, chin up — and now, chin way, way down.
  • We’re going to go for passively annoyed, but generally calm. Like, you’re above this, but you’re fine with it. 
  • Look at me the way you look at your wife…
  • Which wife? Any of them, I guess.
  • Look at me like I’m any of your wives, and I’m 20 minutes late to your kid’s soccer game.
  • Oh, sorry, I should have explained — that’s a thing sometimes parents go to, when their kids are on a team… nevermind, let’s try something new. Maybe we should aim for some sympathy. Imagine a woman you find very attractive — do you have someone in mind?
  • Okay, great. You’re at dinner with Ron DeSantis’ wife. She tells you she thinks you’re a nice guy, but she wants to just be friends…
  • Friends? Oh, friends are like people you hang out with but don’t touch, but let’s move on, I don’t think we’re capturing it…
  • Let me just brush some of the hair out of your face…no, wait, it’s better with the hair covering your face.
  • Oops, sorry, your hair piece just came out in my hand…let me get someone to tape it back in.
  • Can someone fix the lighting? He’s oranger than usual, we want him more pink, it’s a more sympathetic color.
  • Okay, let’s drop the sympathy and instead go apathy. Like, you’re so confident that you’re innocent that you can’t be bothered to care. What’s something you don’t care about at all?
  • Sure, look at me like I’m the American people.
  • Lean forward — that’s right, get closer….imagine you have COVID, and I’m Chris Christie…but you have to be subtle, or he’ll catch on.
  • You don’t care, but also, you’re angry. We need a bit of spice in there.
  • Look at me like I’m Ted Cruz, and I’m screwing your wife.
  • Okay, yes, that’s the apathy I was going for, but we’re still not hitting anger, which I think we need. You’re trying to pretend this is a grave injustice, aren’t you?
  • Sorry, sorry, sorry — this is a grave injustice, isn’t it? Well, we need to see that in your face. Can you get angry for me? 
  • Channel the tone of your Truth Social — what if I start reading Truths out to you, would that help?
  • Okay, I’m scrolling now, and some of these Truths are definitely false….
  • Look at me like I’m Rudy Giuliani and I just asked you for $8 million for my legal fees.
  • Okay, I’m just seeing apathy again, we need some rage…
  • Imagine I’ve just told you we don’t have WiFi.
  • YES!! We nailed it!
  • Can I send the invoice tomorrow?
  • Oh, you don’t pay? 
  • So I technically just contributed to the Trump campaign?
  • My bad.
  • Well, at the very least, please don’t credit me.
Ginny Hogan
Ginny Hogan
Ginny Hogan is a writer/stand up comedian. She's the author of "I'm More Dateable than a Plate of Refried Beans," and the host of "Raising Questions."