It’s finally happened. The mugshot was taken, which means Trump is going to be treated like every other (incredibly wealthy, white, powerful, ex-president of a) criminal. Thank goodness we have his mugshot; we were so close to having only flattering photos of the President on the internet. But anyone who’s ever had their photo taken professionally knows it’s no easy task — and it requires an expert to get the exact right vibe. And honestly… he did a great job.
Fortunately, Betches was leaked the transcript of the photographer’s instructions to Trump to deliver this beauty. The audio only picked up on his side of it, but I think it’s easy enough to follow.
- Okay, chin up — and now, chin way, way down.
- We’re going to go for passively annoyed, but generally calm. Like, you’re above this, but you’re fine with it.
- Look at me the way you look at your wife…
- Which wife? Any of them, I guess.
- Look at me like I’m any of your wives, and I’m 20 minutes late to your kid’s soccer game.
- Oh, sorry, I should have explained — that’s a thing sometimes parents go to, when their kids are on a team… nevermind, let’s try something new. Maybe we should aim for some sympathy. Imagine a woman you find very attractive — do you have someone in mind?
- Okay, great. You’re at dinner with Ron DeSantis’ wife. She tells you she thinks you’re a nice guy, but she wants to just be friends…
- Friends? Oh, friends are like people you hang out with but don’t touch, but let’s move on, I don’t think we’re capturing it…
- Let me just brush some of the hair out of your face…no, wait, it’s better with the hair covering your face.
- Oops, sorry, your hair piece just came out in my hand…let me get someone to tape it back in.
- Can someone fix the lighting? He’s oranger than usual, we want him more pink, it’s a more sympathetic color.
- Okay, let’s drop the sympathy and instead go apathy. Like, you’re so confident that you’re innocent that you can’t be bothered to care. What’s something you don’t care about at all?
- Sure, look at me like I’m the American people.
- Lean forward — that’s right, get closer….imagine you have COVID, and I’m Chris Christie…but you have to be subtle, or he’ll catch on.
- You don’t care, but also, you’re angry. We need a bit of spice in there.
- Look at me like I’m Ted Cruz, and I’m screwing your wife.
- Okay, yes, that’s the apathy I was going for, but we’re still not hitting anger, which I think we need. You’re trying to pretend this is a grave injustice, aren’t you?
- Sorry, sorry, sorry — this is a grave injustice, isn’t it? Well, we need to see that in your face. Can you get angry for me?
- Channel the tone of your Truth Social — what if I start reading Truths out to you, would that help?
- Okay, I’m scrolling now, and some of these Truths are definitely false….
- Look at me like I’m Rudy Giuliani and I just asked you for $8 million for my legal fees.
- Okay, I’m just seeing apathy again, we need some rage…
- Imagine I’ve just told you we don’t have WiFi.
- YES!! We nailed it!
- Can I send the invoice tomorrow?
- Oh, you don’t pay?
- So I technically just contributed to the Trump campaign?
- My bad.
- Well, at the very least, please don’t credit me.
