Image Credit: HBO Max

Ways To Pamper Yourself When You've Never, Ever Been Happier

One thing about me: I never need an excuse to give myself a “little treat.” Bad day? I deserve a treat. Good day? Congratulations, here’s a treat. But when the world is falling apart around me, as it often is lately (hahahaha, everything is fine), then it’s time to bring out the heavy hitters. I have an escalation plan in place to keep me from falling apart, including treating myself to everything cute and comforting. (And yes, this is a coping strategy regardless of what my therapist says!!) 

For a long time, my “self-care” was spending lots of money and time on the upkeep of my physical appearance, like scheduling a mani-pedi or getting my hair done (or removed rather forcefully). And while I love it when my nails look like they’ve never done a hard day of work in their life, my new version of self-care happens when I’m in gremlin mode. Because when nothing is going well, why the hell should I look like it is? I know, I know, I’m so authentic and likable!   

So, here are the different ways I like to pamper myself when everything is definitely not fine and the tools I use to bring me out of the hell hole of existential dread. And if you feel validated by this list, follow Betches’ new IG account @everythings.fine so we can laugh/cry together.  

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Set The Mood

The last thing I want to do when I’m in a bad mood is be seduced (ew, don’t touch me), but I do love crafting an environment suitable for a lover. I’m talking about candles, dim lighting, assorted chocolates — and, my fave vibrator lol.  

The New Savant’s DreamGirl Candle

So fucking good! Just order the “big boi” size, trust. 

The New Savant DREAMGIRL Candle

Dame’s Fin

This little finger-extension dude is my bestie when it comes to solo time.

Fin Finger Vibrator

See’s Candies

Don’t make fun of me. These are not old people’s candy!!! It’s just a brand that’s been around a long time because they’re so damn good at what they do.  

Assorted Chocolates

Slumber Party For One  

I love doing all the activities you’d do at a sleepover when I’m sad. That means painting my nails, watching rom coms, using a face mask, and thirsting over my celebrity crush. 

Terra Nail Polish

I usually don’t care if something is vegan (sorry, not sorry), but whatever ingredient is in this nail polish means my nails don’t chip immediately and therefore I love it.

Terra Beauty Natural Nail Polish


Yes, it’s pricey!!! But I swear to god it’s worth it. The way my jaw has finally unclenched since I started using this tool — take all my money! 

TheraFace PRO

Saludi Coupes 

Whether it’s a sleepy girl mocktail or a full blown cocktail, I’m not making my bad mood worse by drinking out of a lame-ass cup. I want fun glassware, the more colorful the better! Also, Saludi is a small business so you get to pat yourself on the back while drinking.  

Saludi Colored Coupe Glasses

Fresh Air Is For Losers 

Fuck long walks for your mental health. I’m not getting off my goddamn couch when I have a bad day. Wait, that’s a little extreme. I’m willing to go outside if, and only if, the weather is so beautiful I could cry. Then I will brave the outside world for a solo picnic with a cute journal where I can write about how everyone sucks and I’m a perfect angel who deserves better. 


I love cute sweatpants that you can wear at home or on a stupid mental health walk. Give me range! 

Extra High-Waisted Vintage Sweatpants

Splendid x @Cellajaneblog Scuba Cargo Jogger

Picnic In A Backpack 

It has a wine bottle holder! Enough said. 

Apollo Walker Picnic Backpack

Windmill Air Circulator and Fan

When I’m dead serious about not getting fresh air this cutie keeps me cool at home. Mine is pink because I’m a girl’s girl. 

Windmill Air Circulator and Fan

Melanie Whyte
Melanie Whyte
Melanie Whyte (she/her) leads the lifestyle and relationship content at Betches. As an amateur New Yorker and professional bisexual, she enjoys writing about the bane of sex and relationships in the city. She is also perpetually in her messy house era despite spending all of her money on Instagram ads.