Trump has now been president for almost a year and a half, so you could be forgiven for thinking his time on the campaign trail is over, at least until the 2020 campaign begins. However, you would be wrong. Like most insecure reality-TV stars, Trump basically requires an IV-drip of public adulation to get through the day. Despite the fact that this mindset is more appropriate for a Kardashian than a President Trump has insisted on following these whims on a rally tour across the red states he won in 2016, and these crazy Trump rally quotes will show you exactly how fun that tour has been. Meanwhile, multiple Kardashians have headed to DC to pursue actual political goals. If you feel like you are in a Scandal x Keeping Up With The Kardashians crossover, same. I wish Olivia Pope would save us.
Trump started the post-campaign campaign with a “thank you tour” before he was even inaugurated, and has held 20 rallies as of April. Honestly, the less time Trump spends legislating away our basic rights and environmental regulations, the better I feel. Also, his rally speeches are straight up hilarious. Drunk bachelor confessionals make more sense. In honor of Trump teetering on the edge of a Gretchen Weiners post candy cane delivery diatribe basically every second of this presidency, here are the top 5 most ridiculous quotes he’s given at post-election rallies.
5. I’m not a Regular President, I’m a Cool President
In a March 2018 rally in Pittsburgh, Trump asked the audience: “Remember how easy it is to be presidential? But you’d all be out of here right now. You’d be so bored.”
Apparently, not calling racists good people, not threatening nuclear warfare on twitter, and not being accused of collusion with foreign governments is “boring.” If so, sign me the fuck up for regular presidents.
4. Laws are Stupid
Last week, Trump held a rally in Washington, Michigan while the White House Correspondents Dinner, which Trump called “fake news prom,” (sick burn, TBH) went on in Washington D.C. Very subtle, Donald. At the rally, Trump went off on the current immigration code:
“Our laws are so corrupt and so stupid — I call them the dumbest immigration laws anywhere on Earth…And the laws are so corrupt, they are so corrupt…If we don’t get border security, we’ll have no choice. We’ll close down the country.”
I’m not sure what ‘closing down the country’ entails, but I am sure that Trump has definitely not read US immigration code in full. TBH, I’m not sure he’s even read his own book in full.
3. The Macron Bromance
At the same rally, Trump had the following to say about his new BFF Emmanuel Macron of France: “When the President of France came in to see me, President Macron, wonderful guy. We like to shake each other’s hand.”
Right, super normal, I too love shaking my friends’ hands. Because friends don’t usually, you know, converse or anything. Especially when they are also government leaders. No, they just shake hands vehemently and gaze into each other’s eyes. Got it.
2. From Crooked Hillary to Crooked Media
No surprise here, but Trump hates the fake news liberal media! In Arizona, he went on the following rant:
“It’s time to expose the crooked media deceptions…They’re very dishonest people…The only people giving a platform to these hate groups is the media itself and the fake news…I don’t do Twitter storms… I said, ‘Racism is evil.’ Now they only choose, you know, like a half a sentence here or there, and then they just go on this long rampage, or they put on these real lightweights all around a table that nobody ever heard of, and they all say what a bad guy I am. But I mean, do you ever see anything — and then you wonder why CNN is doing relatively poorly in the ratings”
Ok, let’s break this one down. Obviously, anyone that points out Trump’s blatant lies, racism, and misogyny is a fugly slut in Trump’s burn book. I think Trump is referencing media coverage of his ‘good people on both sides’ response to Charlottesville when he quotes himself calling racism evil here. Unfortunately for Trump, the fact that he at some point called racism evil does not discount his post-Charlottesville statement that some racists are good people. Sorry, I’m a crooked media member, duh.
1. America’s Hottest Club Is…A Trump Rally
For our grand finale, here is my personal favorite Trump rally quote. At one stop on the trail of self-congratulation, Trump gave the following genuinely unhinged rant about how Trump rallies are basically more fun and better attended than Coachella:
“Do you like me? I like you, too. I love you! I love you! So — is there any more fun than at a Trump rally? You know, a lot of times, I have to do, like, readings — we’ll pass an environmental bill, they’ll want me to go to a — I’m very spoiled, if I go to a small place, and they have 2,000 people, it’s like, why don’t we open a stadium or something? We’re spoiled. Other guys, they go out, they get 50 people, they’re satisfied. We. Need. Crowds. Like. This.”
First, he asks his fans if they like him, as though he is the DJ hyping up a festival crowd for the next performer. Then, he goes in with the existential question: is there any more fun than at a Trump rally? First of all, I don’t even know where to begin correcting the grammar on that sentence. Also, yes Donald, literally getting a root canal with no anesthetic sounds like more fun than a Trump rally. Trump points out that something he finds less fun than his own rallies is reading background information on the laws his Administration wants to pass. It seems like he is about to describe attending an actual government briefing, before he cuts himself off to talk about how big the crowd is at Trumpchella in Michigan, probably because he has attended so few government briefings.
In conclusion, I honestly can’t believe I read multiple Trump rally transcripts for you betches. My work here as a fake news liberal elite lightweight is done.
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