As April winds down and May roars in, it’s time to consult the stars on whether you should cut your hair, ghost that dude, or go on a lunch date with your mom where you absolutely know she’ll question your taste in men and inability to settle down for the tenth time. It may be vague, but let’s interpret the planets’ alignment in a way that’s favorable for us to either treat ourselves or eat only green vegetables all weekend.
Will you join a SoulCycle class and become queen of workouts? Is your boss FINALLY going to let you sit in on department head meetings without being a bitch about it? Or will you take up a really interesting new hobby like knitting and fall out of touch with all your friends? Friday through Sunday are the days we live for, so here’s what the stars have in store for you, fam.
Seize your moment, Taurus, you sassy bitch. This weekend may see you clashing with a BFF over which Democratic candidate sucks least, or which dress is actually baby shower appropriate. But, remember: if you meet an asshole in the morning, you met an asshole. If you meet assholes all day, you’re probably the asshole. This weekend presents a great opportunity to snag some alone time and reflect on your attitude, which, you know, your boss mentioned in your review, so ..
Plus, with the sun-Uranus (lol) merger happening, you may be looking for a change of scene when it comes to your love life, too. Maybe you aren’t as into activist hipsters as you thought and need to give bank bros a go? LOL probs not, but live your truth.
Chill tf out, Gemini. You’re in a giant rush to get to the weekend, and we don’t blame you (because shots), but slow your roll. Unexpected events (like a zit, or diarrhea in Barnes & Noble) could potentially derail your plans, but it may end up being for the best. Like, maybe that stomach bug saved you from an incredibly sh*tty date, or that zit allowed you to cancel plans that you really weren’t psyched about to begin with. And we all know cancelling plans is the actual best, you guys.
Powerful “I’m-still-a-planet” Pluto makes a move to bring up old sh*t better than a plunger, and will keep you thinking about (and dealing with) past issues until nearly October. The good news is that reflecting on past issues makes it less likely you’ll repeat mistakes … like that bowl cut you sported from ages 10-13.
The dry spell is starting to take its toll, isn’t it, Cancer? Good news: It could be a bone-a-rama come Friday and Saturday, with the moon in Aquarius. The best chance to spark your current relationship, though, or meet someone new, is Sunday night, so plan a not-so-wild nice dinner with your mate or potential lover.
Outside of your love life (or lack thereof), you can expect an odd encounter in the form of someone reaching out for a) a random hookup, b) a pyramid scheme, or c) a weird combo of both. Things that seem too good to be true (like zero-calorie fast food and making $200k from home posting online reviews) usually are.
Lying liars abound this weekend, Leo, so keep your guard up. Aside from that, Mercury and Venus are gearing up for good vibes and fun sh*t in your travel sector, so it’s a great time to meet new people (even though #nonewfriends) and try exciting sh*t like food that’s still moving, or insects on sticks.
Speaking of traveling, it’s a great time for a weekend getaway if your relationship has been in a rut lately. Heal together over those weird Russian Instagram model messages he got, then make him buy you a lobster dinner.
Sh*t’s about to get real, Virgo. The weekend has discord in store, and it could be an ideal time for a girls’ getaway, since you and your SO are likely to fight about anything this weekend—be it the way he prepares oatmeal, his affinity for leaving half empty water glasses all over the house, or his astounding ability to sneeze on things you love. Man’s got talent.
On the bright side, Pluto in retrograde until October is actually going to do wonders for your creativity. Maybe it’s finally time to open that Etsy shop full of cat sweaters, or set up shop with your finger paintings in front of the Met. Whatever you choose, you’ll find a new lease on your artistic life thanks to the planets moving in arbitrary directions.
You probably would’ve preferred actual water torture in comparison to your week, Libra, but things are totally looking up. Putting yourself out there is promising to pay off this weekend, so take a risk and download Ship, schedule a date, get stood up, then eat your leftover Chinese food with pride. You can’t grow without stumbling a few times. You heard it here first, in this feel-good horoscope.
Branching out and getting risky also applies to your profesh life, despite your recent frustrations over your lack of 60% bonus this year. Stop blaming a lack of opportunity and start looking at your attitude.
You’re a psycho, Scorpio, but we’re here for it. Social butterfly Venus and “watch me and give me attention” Mercury are moving into your lifestyle sector, making new connections, new friends, and networking likely. It’s a great time to sign up for that after-work event (even if you’d rather die), and introduce yourself to the betches in line for the bathroom at da clerb this weekend.
With that in mind, it’s time to gtfo of your comfort zone and set wider boundaries, whether that means going to an actual gym and not lying about it or creating a 100-slide PowerPoint about why you deserve a raise and holding your boss hostage until she listens to the whole thing. I exaggerate slightly. Embrace your crazy and seize the day.
You don’t know wtf you want, Sagittarius, and it’s starting to aggravate people. This weekend, try to remember that your family and friends aren’t mind-readers, and if you have a particular restaurant in mind for dinner, don’t make your partner guess until he’s near tears.
Luckily, an influx of compassionate energy is making its way into your sign this weekend, so even if your relationships have been a bit touch-and-go recently, fun and ease are on the way. But, keep your guard up a little; someone that seems super trustworthy may actually be an asshole.
Time to lean on your friends, Capricorn. With Pluto coming into retrograde this week, by the weekend you’ll be deep in a “what-if” rabbit hole of thought. What if you hadn’t thrown up on that first date last week? What if you didn’t eat that pizza all by yourself? What if you’d told your boss that no, your idea is amazing, and she should shove it? Maybe better you didn’t do that last one.
Anyway, spend some time thinking about change and how it can affect your day-to-day positively instead of going and day-drinking bottomless mimosas until you see sounds this weekend.
Turn that frown upside down, Aquarius. Sassy betch Mars is making moves into your romance and casual hookups zone, so this weekend offers a bunch of opportunities for fun in the form of sexy times. Careful, though—the stars are also in alignment for you to get a little possessive of that special someone. Try not to send 40 texts in a row if he doesn’t answer the first one, k?
In the “I have issues” department, Pluto is moving into your spiritual zone and pushing you to get help with that problem that’s been on your mind for awhile. Maybe it’s an unresolved high school love. Maybe it’s that weird mole on your back. Whatever the case, admitting that you need a little help is the first step.
The temptation to treat yo’self is huge this weekend, Pisces. Time to exercise some caution and maybe not try to justify spending $500 on a spa weekend for you and you alone. To be fair, though, it is a good time to take a minute for yourself. Pluto is pulling at your social sector, forcing you to examine friendships that have felt a bit one-sided with a domineering Regina George type.
Avoid a misunderstanding with these friends, though, and take the appropriate time to form answers and responses. Try not to jump down your friend’s throat when she suggests that cafe on the corner for brunch even though she knows last time you went you cough up mimosa on the hot waiter and can’t go back there. Channel your inner communicator.
Stop promising people stupid sh*t, Aries—especially if you know you aren’t going to follow through. For example, if your boss gives you an insurmountable to-do list, speak up before the due date comes around and stop trying to be superwoman. It’s okay to step back and look at the bigger picture. It’s a great time to reflect on your actual goals and continue moving forward.
Speaking of goals, make it a goal this weekend to ditch your fake friends and indulge in time with people who think you’re really f*cking cool (even if that group includes only your mom). Unconditional love will have you feeling refreshed and ready to tackle Monday, which could be exceptionally difficult after the absolute sh*tfest that will be the Battle of Winterfell on Game of Thrones.
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