Time To Clean Up Your Life: Weekly Horoscopes April 1-5

It’s April, betches, which means two things: you’re bound to suffer through a full day of bad jokes at the hand of your less-than-entertaining coworkers, and it’s time to spring clean. Be it your room our your soul, take sometime this week to rid yourself of all unnecessary aspects of your life. What does that mean for you exactly? Find out in our betchy weekly horoscopes.


We’re just about halfway through your season, Aries, which begs the question: have you accomplished all you set out to do? This is your time to shine! Don’t waste it sitting idly by and letting the world go on with you. This week, throw yourself into everything you do with the kind of vigor you usually reserve for dictating weekend plans. This is a time for living life to the fullest, even more so than you usually do. There’s always time to sleep when you’re dead—or when it’s not your birthday anymore. Aren’t they basically the same thing?


You’re on a roll this week, Taurus. No matter what you do, that to do list seems to just regenerate with every turn. It may seem tiring at first, but you of all people know the thrill of accomplishing things you’ve been putting off for some time. Don’t hesitate to dive in and start getting sh*t done. Time flies when you’re being wildly productive, and it’ll be the weekend before you know it. Earn yourself a good lie in by checking off any and all tasks before then. Get to work!


After a weekend of emotional turmoil, you may find yourself dwelling on negative thoughts this week. You know what’s great for avoiding that? Cleaning the sh*t out of everything you own. For the next couple of days, you are Marie Kondo on crack. No surface, no closet, no box of garbage is safe from your cleansing. Sure, you may not address your feelings, but you’re bathroom is going to sparkle, and isn’t that really what matters?


Guess what, Cancer? You’ve got some decisions ahead of you this week, decisions that will likely have a lasting impact. Don’t panic, because nothing coming your way isn’t something you’ll be shocked by. You’ve known for a while now that there was change on the horizon, and it’s finally time to commit. Don’t be afraid to take that bold leap into the unknown, you’re more than ready for it.


It’s time to stick to your guns, Leo. A lot of people in your life have a lot of opinions right now, specifically about you. You’ve been wrestling with how to deal with that for a while now, and here’s the answer: ignore them. Getting an outside perspective can be useful, but this is going to come down to you, how you’re feeling, and what you want to do about it. Spend the next couple days sorting through your own thoughts about your situation, and let those ultimately guide you to a decision. Sure, it’ll be messy and potentially painful, but it’s also the only way to feel secure in your path.


After a tumultuous couple weeks, it’s time to re-establish your schedule, Virgo. As someone who thrives on consistency, you’ve been understandably shaken up by a prolonged period of uncertainty. Spend the next couple days building some structure back into your life. You’ll realize how much less stressed you are when you know what to expect from your day. If you’re feeling wild, treat yourself to a new planner to make the transition official. Nothing solidifies a routine like writing in down in an overpriced book with an overpriced pen.


You’re going to feel like you’re trapped in a glass case of emotion this week, and breakdowns will abound. Uh-oh. But you can learn from this: these breakdowns will give you a much-needed opportunity to figure out what areas of your life you can do less in. Figure out where you should be focusing your energy and how you can use that smart Libra brain of yours to simplify your life and make things easier on yourself.


Sometimes when we’re feeling down, the best thing we can do is seclude ourselves. You’re an emotive person and odds are, if you’re feeling like sh*t, the people around you will catch some of that. We know you don’t meant to project that onto others, but it’s the reality of the situation. So this week, when you find yourself going to a dark place, don’t hesitate to get yourself to a safe spot. You don’t need to explain yourself to others—just focus on your own well-being before rejoining the world.


Sometimes we f*ck up, Sagittarius. We say dumb things. We say them to the wrong people. Someone ends up with their feelings hurt. It’s fine, you’re human. But in these situations it’s best to own up, swallow your pride, and apologize. People will forget that you were an ass, but they won’t forget that you made up for it. It’s never easy admitting that you’re wrong, but you’ll be a better person for it in the long run.


This is a week for keeping your guard up, Capricorn. As a naturally cautious person, I know this probably doesn’t sound like advice you need to be hearing, but bear with me. The optimism of this newfound sunshine is going to have you feeling more trusting than usual, and while this is something we’d usually encourage, keep an eye out for people looking to advantage. Just because you’ve been overcome by the spirit of spring doesn’t mean everyone around you is feeling as generous. Don’t overextend your kindness, and make sure the people around you have your best interest at heart.


There’s nothing wrong with taking time for yourself, Aquarius. You tend to exert a lot of energy in social settings, which means you require ample alone time to recharge. This week, don’t be afraid to say no to people, plans, or expectations in favor of staying home to rest. Believe it or not, it’s not actually your job to entertain everyone 24/7—not only are you entitled to some alone time, but no one is allowed to make you feel guilty for it. A couple days of solitude will have you ready to rejoin the world this weekend. Until then, take a breather.


You’re entering into a week of deep introspection, Pisces. To put it simply, March wasn’t the best month for you. Communication was weird, interaction felt forced, and you just generally weren’t being your best self. But it’s time to leave that behind us! April is here and with it comes a new state of mind. It’s time to Marie Kondo your thoughts, leaving any negative ones in the past. Carve out some time this week to focus on yourself. When in doubt, lists are always a good place to start. Write down the things in your life that make you happy and the things that don’t, and then put some energy into focusing on the former.

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Mary Kate Fotch
Mary Kate Fotch
Mary Kate recently moved to Amsterdam, where she spends a good chunk of her time trying to not die on a bike. She was forced to develop a sense of humor at an early age for many reasons, not the least of which being that she grew up with the name Mary Kate during the Olsen twin era. Follow her on Instagram if you're interested almost exclusively in Huji edits or stories about her overweight cat.