I’m not even being dramatic… the wedding dress code I’m about to drag is the craziest bridal sh*t I have ever seen. Seriously, this betch makes the woman who set a minimum price for gift giving look cheap, the bride who fattened up her bridesmaids pre-wedding seem ethically sound, and the chick who read her fiancé’s cheating texts in place of her vows seem tame. This bride that we’re talking about today set a $1,000 dress code for her guests. For her GUESTS. To be fair, there is a large chance someone made this entire story up for internet points, but in this day and age, you can just never tell. People are really f*cking nuts, if you haven’t noticed, so I’m just going to proceed as if this story is true.
In a Reddit post on my favorite subreddit, r/choosingbeggars, exposing an anonymous bride, a screenshot reveals a request for wedding guests to wear the most ridiculous dress code in all of history. “I am giving you a long notice of a year and a half so that you will have time to find and pick out something nice,” the bride wrote, in what is def a glaring red flag of an intro. “The dress code is very specific because it will be used to create an incredible visual effect. If done right, it will make our synchronized dancing along the beach really pop.”
The woman then goes on to break the dress code down for her guests BY WEIGHT. Yep, you read that correctly. She’s literally divided her guests up by gender and weight to tell them which $1,000 dress code “choices” they are obligated to make for her wedding. The only time it is even remotely acceptable to give someone dressing guidelines based on their weight is when they are graduating, and need to pick the 40 pound range they fall in to purchase a cap and tablecloth shaped gown.
Women who fall in the 100 to 160 pound range are required to wear a green velvet sweater, orange suede pants, “Loubotin heels (the famous RED heeled shoes. When we spin and lift our feet, the effect will amaze you),” and a Burberry scarf. First off, if you’re going to be extra enough to force your guests to wear bloody shoes, you gotta spell check Louboutin. Second, what the f*ck beach are you going to in a green sweater, orange suede pants, and stilettos? I’m having a difficult time visualizing a location outside of the world of Dr. Seuss.
Men who scale in around 100 to 200 pounds get to wear a purple fuzzy jacket (uh… ‘scuse me?), a “soda hat,” all white trainers and plain glow sticks. You know, I thought I was confused at the beginning of this story, but I could not have guessed how truly BAMBOOZLING this sh*t could get. I understand that I am potentially missing out on something culturally here—the woman did call sneakers “trainers,” so it’s probably safe to assume she’s not American—but I am at a loss for what a soda hat is. After an extensive Google search, the results across the board have been the drinking contraption pictured below, literally the one Spongebob bought at a yard sale. I refuse to believe that this is actually the headwear that the bride is requesting, and if anyone knows what a soda hat actually is, please educate me. Also, I do not know where you can get luxury glow sticks, but I doubt that the boxes your uncle gets from Party City for the Fourth of July are going to cut it for this luxury wedding.
Women above 160 pounds have a much more lenient dress code, and are asked to wear a black sweater (of any material), pants and heels. Although it’s nice to have dodged the orange suede pants bullet, there’s still the fact that you’re about to drop a grand on an all-black outfit for a bride who is making a thinly veiled attempt at body shaming. Also, again, this wedding is taking place ON A BEACH.
Men over 200 pounds must wear all camouflage with black sneakers. This bride’s entire message needs a rewrite, but if I could provide some editorial direction in regards to this specific point, I would advise her to specify what kind of camouflage she’s looking for. She sounds pretty particular, and camouflage can go bad FAST. Hunting and military camouflage are two very different vibes, lady!
Children must wear red from head to toe, as they will be forming the shape of a heart. Good luck getting a squad of bratty rich kids to follow your choreography, bridezilla. Reminder, “It needs to be true red, not blood orange or some bullsh*t!” I have never once purchased a garment in “blood orange”, but okay. A cocktail? Yes. A shirt? No.
AFTER the guests
create this eyesore attempt this visual feat, they are asked to change into a formal outfit valued at at least $1,000. I would like to point out that money does not automatically correlate to a perfect outfit, and in the words of Cardi B, “I could buy designer but this Fashion Nova fit.”
So what happens if a guest doesn’t want to follow the dress code? It’s simple! In a follow-up post (which has also made its way around Reddit, bless up) in which the bride has discovered that someone leaked her requirements, she says that “instead of participating in the dance, you can help the crew clean up after dinner, volunteer to take videos of our dance, or even contribute to the honeymoon. Anything counts.”
Is this f*cking Fear Factor? Why are the only options a) something bad and b) something worse?
Obviously, when she started seeing her Facebook post pop up all over social media, she decided to take matters into her own hands, and purchase a polygraph test “for $99 on Amazon.” Sounds legit. She then announced a polygraph party in which they will gather around to find the leaker and enjoy appetizers. But don’t worry, she won’t do anything awful to him or her. (Plot spoiler: she will.)
In the post, she writes, “I won’t retaliate, I will simply cut all ties and communication with you (and talk sh*t about you for a long, long, time.)” Also… she warned that the culprit “will be paying,” at the beginning of the post, so I really am not confident in this woman’s understanding of the word “retaliate,” because retaliation sounds exactly like what she’s going to do.
The woman’s post also calls out people on the internet who have made comments about the dress code, pointing out that they should all return to their basements to play video games because they do not understand the reasoning behind her requirements. To that, I say, okay fair. I apologize for not seeing the creative vision behind men in purple fuzzy jackets and camo, but I stand by my claims that providing dress code requirements by weight is f*cked up and demanding guests spend a set dollar amount on their outfits is wrong, too. Again, I can only hope this is a troll post and we don’t live in a world where soda hats are considered appropriate wedding attire.
Perhaps the main takeaway here is, if you’re going to be crazy, don’t leave receipts behind that the victims of your craziness can make viral. Lesson number two is, if you are upset that your craziness has gone viral… maybe don’t take to social media to complain about it, because that, too will probably… go… viral.
Images: Giphy (4) , Walmart (1)