Another day, another bridezilla unveiled by a shady wedding guest. Honestly, I’m so thankful for anyone who spills wedding tea, even if it’s totally anonymous, because I need to know that there are at least a handful of psychos out there who are way more high-maintenance than I am. Anyway, the latest insane bride to reach viral notoriety has arrived to us through the source of probably 90% of the internet’s shade: Reddit. Someone’s obviously incompetent wedding coordinator sent out this viral bridal email that is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve read since Kanye’s last tweet storm. Here’s what it says.
“Good morning. My name is [censored]. I am the wedding coordinator for [censored] and [yup, still censored] Sanders. I am reaching out to all confirmed guests to do a finally head count and go over some rules and regulations of the wedding day.
‘First of all, are you still attending with a plus one?
‘Rules and regulations:
- Please arrive 15-30 minutes early.
- Please DO NOT wear white, cream or ivory.
- Please do not wear anything other than a basic bob or ponytail.
- Please do not fave a full face of makeup.
- Do not record during the seramony.
- Do not check in on FB until instructed.
- Use #[Seriously? Couldn’t even give us the hashtag? SMH.] when posting all pictures.
- DO NOT TALK TO THE BRIDE AT ALL.
- Everyone will toast with Remy. No acceptance.
- Lastly must come with gift 75$ or more or you want be admited in.
If you have any questions or need clarification please call me directly.
Okay, so, a lot to unpack here.
I’m not going to go for the low-hanging fruit and roast this person’s inability to spell or even just construct a simple email because maybe English isn’t her first language, or maybe she was blackout drunk when she wrote this. (But like, please put “seramony” on my funeral invitations, I love it so much.)
First of all, the concept of a wedding coordinator or planner emailing the guests to make sure they’re going to show up—with a gift of an explicitly requested dollar amount—is a major red flag. Also, asking if they’re still showing up with a plus one is pretty rude. It’s like “Hey, we know you’re horrible at committing to plans and keeping a date for more than four weeks at a time, so can you just give us an update?” I mean, it’s true, but DAMN.
The first two points in the list are actually pretty valid. Showing up 15 to 30 minutes early is totally acceptable, and everyone should know not to wear white, cream, or ivory to a wedding. I’ll let these slide.
But please elaborate on what you mean when you say “basic bob.” Like, do you expect people to chop off their hair? Or are you unaware of what that word means? I am genuinely concerned because personally, neither of these hairstyles are really an option for me. I’d also like to request a definition of “full face of makeup,” because I know that my definition of that is dependent on many things, like the weather and how many YouTube tutorials I’ve watched recently and where I’m at in my menstrual cycle.
Most importantly, if the bride has requested not to be spoken to, what does she plan on doing all day? Is she okay? And what are the consequences for speaking to her? I’m pretty sure that after toasting with cognac, people are going to get a little loose-lipped and start speaking to the person who the entire day revolves around. Lastly, is this Fetty Wap’s wedding? What is the Remy obsession here?
Naturally, my initial instinct is to assume that this sh*t is a cult member’s wedding, but that’s probably because I’m an Aquarius and I believe that everything can be boiled down to either astrology or cults. Like, reread that email and tell me it doesn’t sound exactly like a prelude to the Jonestown Massacre. Strict dress code, no speaking to the leader, and everyone’s expected to drink liquor—no exceptions? Sounds sus.
Anyway, if any brides-to-be are reading this and thinking it gives them a free pass to be crazy at their wedding, let me please remind you that this is not the takeaway here. The lesson to be learned is that if you are an asshole when it comes to your wedding, it will go viral on the internet, and I will be here to roast you. Thank you in advance for your understanding.
Images: Giphy (2)