After a brief hiatus where we were all free to spend our Monday evenings doing laundry, or going to the gym, or crying into a wine glass the size of a mixing bowl (just me?), or really doing anything other than being held hostage by Mike Fleiss for 2-4 goddamn hours, ABC is back on their bullsh*t with the newest season of The Bachelorette. But guess what, betches? SO. AM. I. As some of you may recall, I’m the resident recapper for all things Bachelor-related, and I’ve earned that title through blood, sweat, and
tears consuming obscene amounts of alcohol. My parents are so proud. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been dreading this moment ever since last season, when Chris Harrison promised me the most dramatic season ever and instead I got eight weeks of watching a relationship that could have been built over an Instagram DM.
I’m slightly more hopeful for The Bachelorette, despite the fact that I’m already mentally preparing myself to hear the phrase “Roll Tide!” no less than 1,000 times in this two-hour episode. In case anyone forgot, yes, Hannah B aka Alabama Hannah aka Little Miss Professional Runner-Up is the new Bachelorette! I feel like this season we might be in for a real treat and get a more down-to-earth, can’t-be-swayed-by-the-Flat-Tummy-Tea-deals type of Bachelorette, or we’ll get the type who won’t be able to speak words. As I said, a real treat!
And on that note, let’s get to recapping, shall we?
Just to set the mood for you guys, my dog, after seeing me break open a bottle of rosé and hearing the beginnings of Chris Harrison’s opening monologue, has already fled to the bedroom. She was Team Caelynn, so I guess you could say we’re a divided house now. Moving on.
God, Hannah is so uncomfortable to watch already. Production is trying to get in the obligatory Bachelorette-thinking-about-the-dismal-state-of-her-love-life shot and she’s acting like she just discovered she has arms and legs. It’s like she’s never recorded herself for a Fab Fit Fun partnership before? How refreshing.
HANNAH B: I know I just have to completely be myself.
ALSO HANNAH B ANYTIME A CAMERA GETS NEAR HER:
Jesus. I’m going to need more wine for this.
Is it just me or does this episode feel like it’s moving super fast? We’re already watching home video footage of the prospective suitors. If this were Colton’s season we’d still be watching Ashley I lecture a crowd of fans about finding love when
you least expect it the guy has dated literally everybody else first and getting updates from Shirley in Lansing, MI about her viewing party.
But back to the home video footage of the prospective suitors. I always love this part of the premiere, because nine times out of ten the men they show in these videos are not going to make it to the end. If anything, it weeds out which ones are looking for something serious and which ones are just emotionally stunted circus animals masquerading as attractive, single men. I love it. Dance monkeys, dance!
That said, here are my first impressions:
– I was here for Tyler the contractor until he compared himself to a young Kevin Bacon in Footloose. Now I need to go bleach my eyeballs in the hopes of unseeing that entire scene. Brb.
– Mike, you seem sweet, but that turtleneck is giving me some serious flashbacks to Nick Viall lisping about giving Raven her first orgasm. It’s off-putting to say the least.
I DON’T TRUST IT.
– Okay, did they literally just put out a casting call for another Grocery Store Joe. Italian? Into boxes? From Chicago? THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE GROCERY STORE JOE, ABC. And this hack sure ain’t it.
– Luke already looks like a front runner. Crossfit? Check. Casually highlighting passages in the bible? Double check. Pimping out his brother’s child for this intro video?
I’m wet. Check, check, check. Wait. Did Luke just say that God talked to him in the shower? I take back every nice thing I just said about him. I’m sorry, Luke, but an orgasm after jerking off in the shower is not God talking to you. It’s a just natural body reaction. Someone get this kid The Care and Keeping of You STAT!
THE LIMO INTRODUCTIONS
Moving on to the limo introductions. Hannah B shows up to the Bachelor mansion dressed like a goddamn vision in silver sequins. I can’t decide if I truly love this dress or if it reminds me of the floor of a Forever21. Probably both.
The first man comes out of the limo and I’m truly on the edge of my seat. I love this part of night one because we get to see whose producers are rooting for them and whose producers want to immortalize them as a meme by 10pm eastern time. LET THE GAMES BEGIN.
Do we think Hannah told them not to do any stupid gags? Because these guys are not impressing me. I haven’t even heard one “Roll Tide!” Just as I’m starting to think the HR meeting we had last week on the use of appropriate fonts in work emails was more entertaining than this episode, one guy takes a stab at what’s left of Colton’s dignity (spoiler alert: there’s nothing left) and jumps the Bachelor mansion fence as his intro. What we don’t see is Chris Harrison physically recoiling in the background at the mere mention of fence jumping.
A guy who looks like he would roofie my drink introduces himself as John Paul Jones. Watch out, girls, I don’t think we’ve seen the last of this guy. If I know anything about guys who go by three names and refer to themselves in the third person, it’s that they’re destined for big things. And by “big things” I mean a true crime docu-series in which we learn all about the bodies they’ve stashed in their freezers. Good luck with this one though, Hans!
Next, we have a wannabe grocery store Joe who apparently thinks the way to woo a woman is by scaring the sh*t out of her. He’s just lucky Hannah is from Alabama. You pull that sh*t on a girl in New York and his ass would be pepper sprayed.
CAM: I’ve been practicing my freestyle. Spitting some game, if you will.
Seriously, what did we do to deserve this? In the immortal words of Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi: “I’m a good fucking person!” I’m not gonna lie, I thought his little white boy rapper schtick was cute during the “After The Final Rose” taping. Was it obnoxious? Yes. Did it make me want to delete all my dating apps and commit to a life of solitude with only my dogs to keep my company? Just a little. But, hey, at least he was memorable! Now, though, he’s forced us to sit through not one but TWO raps, and I’m rethinking my earlier stance on the matter. That’s strike two, Cammie. Strike three and you’ll be getting a VERY detailed complaint from me in your DMs. Don’t poke the bear, buddy.
Next up we have Peter, who walks out in his pilot uniform and just made every girl in America consider sliding into his DMs. I know I am.
Peter, you can call me.
THE COCKTAIL PARTY
I’m going to end the limo introductions on that high note with Peter and move on to the cocktail party portion of the evening. Hannah starts things off by sending out a quick prayer about not completely humiliating herself tonight. Relatable. It’s a nice sentiment, Hannah, but I think your prayers would be better directed at the Church of Mike Fleiss if you want to save yourself from public shame. Just a tip!
One of the guys pulls Hannah aside because he wants to throw her a proper bachelorette party. I’m sorry, but does this kid know how bachelorette parties work? There’s no need for this elaborate theme park he’s set up here. All he needed to do was give her nine shots of tequila and call it a night.
Cam, feeling cocky with that first rose, steals the first kiss from Hannah. He prefaces the kiss by saying “he doesn’t usually do this” which is something I say after pounding wine at happy hour and getting felt up by a random guy in the corner by the bathrooms, but fine Cam. Stick with that story.
I love that Demi has had almost, if not more, screen time than Chris Harrison this episode. If this is ABC priming her for host status I. am. here. for. it. Speaking of which, Demi and some random girl from Colton’s season whose name I cannot recall roll up to the Bachelor mansion in the van my mother always warned me about as a child. They’re here to do some “recon” on Hannah’s men, which can only mean they’re here to ruin lives. *turns up volume*
Demi says that some girl DMed her on Instagram and told her that one of the guys has a girlfriend back home, as if that’s enough of an explanation for why she rented out the van pedophiles use on Law & Order: SVU to lure children in with free candy. K.
So, wait. This nerd Scott is supposed to be the scumbag? He couldn’t even string a full sentence together when he introduced himself earlier in the night and he’s supposed to be this master manipulator? I would like to see the screenshots of these DMs. SHOW ME THE RECEIPTS.
Okay, I am LIVING for Hannah right in this moment. Instead of acting calm or taking a minute to process the information she immediately goes on the offense and confronts Scott. I think he just wet himself a little. YESSSS GIRL. GET IT.
ME WATCHING HANNAH COME FOR SCOTT RN:
I can’t believe he admitted to dumping a girl to come on the show!! These are things you can’t just admit on national television, buddy! He’s like “well weren’t you dating Colton like five minutes ago?” Oh, yeah, that’s good Scott. Casually slut-shame the Bachelorette on night one. In hindsight, I should have known Scott was garbage because here I was all episode thinking he was cute. Sighs.
Hannah comes back into the house and breaks the news to the other men about why Scott was sent home. Meanwhile, every guy in that room is staring at her like they’re hoping their girlfriends back home are a little less vindictive than Scott’s. Try to look a little less terrified, boys!
Luke heads off to try and cheer Hannah up and also start campaigning for his position as the next Bachelor. Is it just me or is this guy is a little too good to be true? Hmm? Like, what’s your motive, sir? To respect and uplift women? Yeah, I’m not buying it.
But I guess I’m the only one, because Luke gets the First Impression Rose, effectively proving that anyone can come back from growling at the Bachelorette on the first date.
THE ROSE CEREMONY
We made it to the first rose ceremony of the season, and not one single guy got wasted and jumped in the pool. Boooooo. Garrett does seem far to nervous about his status on the show. As if there was ever a question that a traditionally attractive white golfer from Alabama was not getting a rose. Please.
Final rose cut: Brian, Hunter, Ryan, Thomas, Old McDonald, wannabe grocery store Joe, and Chasen all get sent home night one.
The only one I’m truly surprised about is Chasen. Despite the fact that his name makes me want to report his parents to child services, he was a stone cold hottie AND a pilot. Obviously, Hannah is not thinking about the
bigger picture free flights she could have gotten out of this relationship. Shame.
And on that note, I’m outtie, betches. Until next week!
Images: ABC; Giphy (5); @bacheloretteabc /Instagram (1)