We open this week’s Summer House with Danielle narrating, only to say that she’s taking the weekend off for “job hunting.” Damn Danielle, only five weekends in and you couldn’t take the heat? Also, let’s take a second to talk about everyone on this show’s “jobs” because we started talking about it in the comments of last week’s Summer House recap. Namely, how NOBODY ON THIS SHOW (except for maybe Stephen) has one! Carl got fired, Lauren is basically an assistant/receptionist at age 29, Lindsay and Kyle “run their own businesses,” and Danielle is also job hunting? I know the market is tough and all, but c’mon y’all. Was it worth it? I love Summer House, but was it worth it to sell your soul and your career prospects for a third-tier Bravo show?
I just remembered that last night I had a dream that Danielle and Carl started hooking up again, so I officially need a new job.
Anyway, we open at a “tech networking event” that looks like it’s held in one of the offices of a WeWork. Aka a fake networking event. That’s also for some reason held on the weekend? Also whoever called Carl out for his yellow teeth in the comments of last week’s Summer House recap would be happy to know that he got his teeth whitened.
Anyway, we open for real at a bar with Kyle and Amanda. Amanda is me on every date, being hungry af and not wanting to drink on an empty stomach. Kyle asks the bartender for the food menu and the bartender says the kitchen is closed. And that’s how you end up wasted and making out on a first date (see: Lindsay later this episode.) BUT THENNNNN Kyle says “this bar is like a reverse speakeasy.” DUN DUN DUNNNN. So they go towards the back and, what do you know, the kitchen is open!
I think I’ve been to this bar. It’s on like, 14th and 3rd Ave?
Amanda is like, “Don’t take this the wrong way but I never expected you to actually do something nice and thoughtful for me.”
Then Kyle gives Amanda a gift and it’s… a key to his apartment! We really are seeing a whole new Kyle.
Amanda: OMG Kyle!!! This is so sweet!!
Inner Amanda, probably: Ok but where’s my real Valentine’s Day gift?
Also I just noticed that if they film this show in the summer (hence the title Summer House), they literally just had Kyle and Amanda fake a Valentine’s Day date months in advance. I KNOW they said the word “Valentine’s” during this date. Ah, the magic of reality TV.
At the Summer House, Ashley shows up! I feel like she and Lauren look significantly less alike, maybe because they haven’t been spending every waking second together.
Lauren keeps telling Ashley that she and Carl are “friends” and she’s “just having fun.”
Sorry I know I always use that gif but there’s literally no other way to describe my feelings about this more accurately. Look, I don’t care what people do. I really don’t. I care if you lie about it. Don’t lie. Don’t act like the Cool Girl when you just smashed a cake in Carl’s face for conversing with another woman.
The fucking Wirkus parade strolls in, shrieking higher than the human ear can pick up. I’m writing this recap at 9am, and it is too damn early for this.
Ashley (I think, it’s a flurry of blonde in there) shows off her engagement ring, and the girls are like “Goals, Amanda, right? Goals.” Kyle looks like someone just murdered a puppy in front of him.
Carl walks in and says to Lauren, “You don’t need that much makeup.” Then, reading the room and the death glares he’s getting, goes “Uh I mean, you look fine. Wear however much makeup you want. Women should be paid as much as men.”
I will now transcribe Carl’s internal monologue while meeting Ashley:
I’m going to enjoy watching Carl sweat all episode. Holy shit, Stephen is going IN. He calls Carl a fake, a liar, says everything out of his mouth is bulshit… y’all, Stephen is DONE.
Lindsay is going to invite out her fitness trainer “friend” who incidentally is my coworker’s boyfriend’s best friend. BRB, gonna go make a cup of tea because I will be SPILLING it later.
Amit keeps being mad that Stephen keeps saying “it’s the girls and the gays” and Amit is like “I’m here tho.”
All of us: …. right exactly.
I can’t believe that Lindsay invited a trainer friend to crash a bachelorette party just because she wants to hook up with the trainer. Except I literally can because I know people who would do that.
Back at the house after a night at a bar where Carl cock blocks all the girls in one fell swoop, Carl gets on a table and starts dancing and says that he has three nuts. Everyone is like “WAIT REALLY?” Lol like, can’t you just ask Lauren? Stephen literally asks Siri if someone can have three testicles!!! Bye. I’m crying.
Carl and Lauren go into the hot tub and everyone else decides to spy on them from the deck. Lauren comes up like “Carl, who are you texting? Your girlfriend Courtney?” And then Carl flips out and gets in her face like “DON’T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!” But then Lauren starts chasing Carl around the house. Then Ashley comes into the room with a watermelon (??) and smashes it on the ground in front of them and yells, “EAT IT BITCH!”
Eat it bitch. Three words that will live on in infamy.
Honestly, this is amazing. Clearly Lauren and Ashley are related when their first instinct is to smash food when they get angry.
Ashley says in her ITM, “This is exactly what I thought would happen. Lauren is left picking up the pieces, and where’s Carl?” Okay, don’t act like you did this on purpose as a fucking metaphor; you just got drunk and went ASHLEY SMASH!!!
I literally can’t even recap the conversation between Carl and Lauren because it’s so sad. Basically like Carl is like “Don’t make fun of me for talking to other girls” and Lauren is like “Guess what, Carl? Guess what? It hurts me when you talk to other girls.” And Carl is like “K.” Now I get why Ashley acted so psycho and controlling on last season’s Summer House—if my sister was out here on reality TV acting too desperate to function, I would also want to slap the shit out of her.
The next morning Stephen asks Ashley if she remembers smashing the watermelon, and she’s like “Look, I’m the sane one right now.” Are you??? At least we FINALLY get shots of Stephen shadily eating SkinnyPop.
The guys are going to an Aston Martin brunch. Kyle is wearing shorts and an open Hawaiian shirt. Amit is wearing an all-green suit. What is the attire of this event?
Back in the city, Danielle is on a very fake phone interview with Capital One. She’s trolling the internet while on this phone interview, which just seems like a poor choice.
At this party, Carl and Amit are shit talking Stephen. Hmph. I mean, to be fair, I don’t think Stephen likes Amit so I mean yeah I guess Amit has a right to feel some type of way.
Back at the house, the girls are drunk in the pool when Nick, the trainer, walks in. Watching Lindsay talk about him is very cringey. This workout is a bigger charade than Nick and Lindsay’s “relationship.” It’s like, “Ok everybody, do one push-up! Great job, now go drink some rosé.”
Lindsay is every delusional dater: “I think there’s something bigger there and it would be an absolute shame if this date didn’t go anywhere.” You haven’t even gone out yet! How can you say that?
Lindsay and Nick show up to this near-empty restaurant, and I for one respect how out Lindsay’s tits are on this date. Nick is 25, yikes. Lindsay, don’t do it. He literally said “age is just a number,” spoken by every creeper in existence. She gets up to go to the bathroom and like Spider-Man kisses Nick and I just cringed so hard I melted into my couch.
Stephen and Carl sit down for dinner, and it’s so awkward. Stephen is alluding to “something” that happened over the winter that’s been “growing like a tumor” inside him.
Stephen: Usually when a friend burns me, I can replace ya.
Stephen: This is like the Bates motel, there’s not much vacancy here. If I need to take you in the shower and clear that space, I will.
So like while I love murder analogies as much as the next girl, the whole thing about the Bates Motel was that they had a lot of vacancies because it was a creepy motel in a remote area where nobody wanted to stay.
Back at the summer house, Lindsay is laying on the bed wearing cat ears for some inexplicable reason? IDK. I feel like day drinking and then going on a date is a recipe for disaster. I also just saw Lindsay’s entire ass and possibly her vulva, which I did not need to see.
Nick sneaks out in the morning with his medicine ball and resistance band in one hand. That’s a vibe.
Amanda is talking about how Kyle is “all talk and no rock”… haven’t you guys been dating for a year at most? It is too soon. *says the girl who is perpetually single and only meets psychos*
Stephen and Ashley basically initiate a three-way call attack with Carl, only it’s in person. That seems like an odd strategy, bringing someone Carl hates to confront him about your friendship.
Actual footage of Carl walking in:
Stephen says some shit and Carl is like “I appreciate you saying that and I want to try to make it better.” Stephen is like “this is the speech I’ve heard” and Ashley is like, “Honestly, Carl?” Ashley, this isn’t about you! Keep your mouth shut!
Stephen brings up that Carl apparently said that the best head he ever got was from a guy. Honestly, I fail to see why that would end somebody’s friendship, but I guess we’ll have to wait until next week’s Summer House.