‘Summer House’ Recap: Carl Loves Lauren, And Other Lies

* Generic introduction welcoming you all back to another Summer House recap * Sorry, I can’t be bothered to think of new and creative ways to say the same shit anymore. By the way, thanks for the love in the comments. I’m slowly getting over my fear of reading them, because nothing fixes fear of criticism like some good old fashioned praise. Stephen narrates this episode’s opening sequence by spilling all the tea on every-fucking-body, so safe to say this episode is going to be lit.


Watching this group check each other for ticks in the opening sequence is making it really hard to defend them in the comments section. To whoever asked what made these people so insane and immature, the answer is New York City. Or at least I thought it was—now I just feel like it’s a lethal combination of privilege and alcohol.


After what I assume was a rowdy night out, we cut to Kyle back at the house, drunk eating the first thing he sees. In this case, it’s ice cream. Kyle looks completely happy. Then, all of a sudden, Amanda’s screeching “Kyle!!” pierces the air repeatedly. The sound is vaguely reminiscent of an air raid siren, and it shatters Kyle’s temporary bliss.

Tell me this is not the face of a man who has reached nirvana.


Amanda to Kyle: I’m not your fucking mother.


Weird, because you talk to him like you are. I’m literally surprised you haven’t screeched his first and middle name yet.


Stephen comes upstairs holding a drink, as he does, and tries to stop Lauren from going into Carl’s room. I just hope they’re actually banging this season, because otherwise I don’t wanna hear about it. No prolonged makeout session should come with this much drama.


Danielle crawls into Stephen’s bed in the morning and he tells her he met somebody. Stay tuned; this is the only relationship I care about.


Kyle’s version of an apology to Amanda for the night before is to be like, “yeah I was drunk but I had a long week—I mean, a long day.” Kyle be like, “Yeah I got way too drunk last night but it was a Tuesday. It was a day that ended in Y. What did you expect me to do, not get plastered?”


Stephen talking about how he met a hot guy while opening a box that says “Size Matters” is truly some masterful editing.

Summer House Recap


Danielle asks Stephen if dating closeted men is his thing and he says he does go for the unavailable guys because then he knows the relationship can’t really progress that far emotion-wise. Honestly, vibes.


Lauren and Lindsay sit by the pool for some forced conversation about Everett. Lindsay is like, “I’m trying to figure out if there’s someone else out there for me.” I sure fucking hope so, given that you guys fought more often than you actually got along. Like, if there’s no one else out there for Lindsay but Everett, then God help us all, because then there’s nobody out there for any of us.


Kyle is chatting in the kitchen and suddenly, a high-pitched “KYLE!” cuts the otherwise lighthearted mood. Amanda emerges with Kyle’s phone—it’s a call from Julio, a prospective investor in Kyle’s invite-only fitness app. The call doesn’t go well, but I just have trouble feeling sorry for someone who is financing his own app in this economy.


Lauren is Face Timing Ashley, so get ready, because Mom Twin is making a cameo next episode. Yep, you thought I would have forgotten about the (extremely inventive and apt) nickname I gave her last season, but I don’t forget anything. Let that be a lesson to anyone who has ever wronged me.


Lauren: Making out with Carl has been fun, and when it’s not fun, I’ll cut it off.


Ashley, Me, Stephen from the other side of the lawn probably:


Amanda and Kyle are getting lunch, and she says to him, “We never, ever ever fight,” which makes me wonder if she knows the definition of the word “fight,” because that’s all we’ve seen them do so far. Right? Am I alone in this? I can’t be the only one who thinks that, right? Amanda says she’s going to spend the next weekend with her friends, and Kyle pretends to look upset.


Danielle is talking to Lauren about Carl, trying to pull the “girl talk” card, and it is about as transparent as her last attempt at “spontaneously bringing up” Lauren’s hookup with Carl. I know this is all set in motion by the producers, but you’d think they would teach this girl a little subtlety. Guess not. Danielle also calls Carl a “tall order of bacon,” which is a thing nobody has ever said in the history of the world. But sure, whatever floats your boat. Maybe I’ll just start calling guys “a big bowl of grits” or whatever my brunch food of choice is. *Makes mental note*


Amit is Jewish, which is equal parts exciting for me personally and surprising that in a show about rich white people who summer in the Hamptons, none of them have been Jews so far. Except two seconds later when we’re introduced to Carl’s new boss, whose last name is Levine. Was there like, a Jewish quota for the season and Bravo just decided to squeeze them all into one episode and get it over with?


Carl and Lauren drive back to the Hamptons together and it comes up that Ashley is coming back. Carl is trying so hard not to talk shit about Ashley, being like, “Yeah Ashely’s cool. She’s nice. She’s cool. Did I mention she’s cool?”

Inner Carl:

Carl pulls out the fuckboy trump card to Lauren and says something like, “The worst I’ve ever felt in the house is seeing you upset.” That little tidbit of non-effort is going to keep Lauren going for weeks. Sorry, I missed the next few minutes of their conversation because I rolled my eyes so far into the back of my head that they got stuck for a lil bit. But Carl does agree that Danielle is meddling in his relationship with Lauren and he agrees to talk to her about it.


Amit’s sister is here, so I guess the themes of this episode are Judaism and sisters.


Tbh I’m loving this low-key Jewish education episode. Amit is explaining the spirit of Shabbat, Lauren (whose mom is actually Jewish, my bad) does a Hebrew blessing, Carl yells “L’Chaim!!!” so we’re all learning shit here. Bravo is doing Adonai’s work.


The group is going to an animal party, which is terrifying given that this is Kyle’s first night unchaperoned. I have a feeling he’s going to take the animal theme a little too much to heart. I fear for Amanda.


Kyle comes back wasted and eats a melted ice cream cake with his fingers. Then he starts drunk dialing Amanda and leaving voicemails. Nothing has changed. It’s amazing how fast the human brain can regress. I think psychological studies need to be performed on Kyle.


Stephen walks by and hears Lauren and Carl hooking up. ACTUAL QUOTE:


Carl: Do I love you? Yes.
Carl: Can we have sex?


Yea, I believe Carl loves Lauren like I believe Trump didn’t collude with Russia. Current events burn!


Danielle walks into Stephen’s room in the morning and they both talk shit about Lauren and Carl. Lindsay also comes back from a walk of shame, being purposefully evasive, and I’m into it.


A short time later, she calls Everett. Anddddd now I’m annoyed by Lindsay again. Funny how fast that happens. I feel like Lindsay’s entire story line the past two seasons has been her making very forced phone calls. Last season, it was her mom. This time, it’s Everett. It’s sufficiently uncomfortable, and all that happens is Lindsay telling Everett she misses him. Everett is at a party and doesn’t give a single shit. He’s responding to what’s happening in the party more than he’s responding to what Lindsay is saying. Lols.


Okay this pool party looks lit, and I’m upset I wasn’t invited, STEPHEN. Lauren tells Carl that he needs to go talk to Danielle, pulling a move from the Vanderpump Rules playbook and forcing a confrontation in the middle of a party when everyone’s drinking.


The gist of this conversation is basically Carl being like “Keep my name out yo’ mouth.” He also says, “I’m worried a tiny part of you is still holding onto something.” Danielle responds with overly manufactured sarcasm, convincing a total of zero people that she is, in fact, over Carl. Essentially:

I'm Fine


Lauren somehow knows that Danielle is talking to Stephen about her and Carl. Does this bitch have bionic hearing? How can she hear people talking across a crowded lawn? *smacks forehead* Oh right, producers.


Carl immediately flips out at Danielle, which is completely unwarranted. She’s allowed to tell people whatever she wants, especially given that what she is divulging involves her directly. Sorry Carl, that’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.


Carl: Lauren and I are in a good place and I wanna have her back, so Danielle, you’re in a time out.


Ew. I just gagged. I hope any woman who sees this immediately loses whatever attraction they may have for Carl. It’s 2018, we’re respecting women. Get with the program.


In the car back, Kyle drops the bomb that Carl never said he was dating Lauren. TO LAUREN. She is surprisingly calm in the face of this news, which means she’ll probably bottle it all up and blow up later and throw like, a roast chicken in Carl’s face later.


Danielle pulls Stephen aside and is crying. Stephen is basically like, “Everyone knows Carl is crazy and full of shit so don’t pay him any mind.” 


Danielle is like, “This is not the summer house I signed up for.” Really? Because you signed up for a reality TV show, and literally a five minute clip from last season (or a quick browse through an old Summer House recap) would have showed you what you were signing up for. My sympathies are limited for this girl. 


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