‘Riverdale’ Recap: I Need A Drink

Welcome back to your regularly scheduled Riverdale recap! Last week I wasn’t able to recap watch Archie ruin his life because, as Sweetest Betch so delicately put it, I didn’t want to. There! Now don’t we all feel better about that? For those of you who noticed my absence and sung my praises in the comments section, feel free to start following me on Instagram. My ego needs inflating there as well.  But, much like the strain of chlamydia Archie is surely passing to any girl with a pulse he encounters on his trek to the Canadian border, I’m back and ready to make you extremely uncomfortable.

This week is the midseason finale, so we better get some answers as to wtf is going on with the Gargoyle King, and same goes for Hiram’s diabolical plans for Riverdale. I’m using the term “diabolical” loosely here because I’m sure it will be as evil and well thought out as one of Chad from The Bachelor’s tweets. Now, shall we get started?

This episode starts like every other episode, with Jughead talking sh*t over a montage. He reminds us where we left off last week, and what his idiot friends are doing this week. It’s similar to what I do when I take to my anonymous Twitter account and troll my friend Jessica for thinking she can confide in me without having her personal life blasted on the internet. Amateur.

He’s like “it was a day like any other, the kids were in school…” First of all, Juggy, I’m gonna have to stop you right there. I haven’t seen a student go to “school” on this show in at least 12 episodes. That right there makes this a day UNLIKE any other day. If I see a teacher try and explain an algebraic equation I may pass out.

Kevin pulls Moose aside to dry hump him in an abandoned classroom. Seconds later, the entire River Vixen squad falls to the ground and starts seizing in the middle of the hallway. Yes, this feels more like an average day now.

Cut to the mental hospital where Betty is puking up all the “candy” the nuns shoved down her throat the other day. Sidenote: I know Betty is supposed to be losing it and everything, but the girl has never looked better. Insanity looks great on her.

Meanwhile, Jughead and Archie find sanctuary at Jughead’s mom’s garage? I was wondering if we were ever going to meet the Jones matriarch and the infamous Jelly Bean. I’m dying to know why her parents hated her so much as to name her after the world’s shittiest candy.

Lol. Okay, but why does Jelly Bean looks like an Olsen twin who just got sent to live with the Butkuses?? If we find out Jughead’s other sister Jujubee is living with a rich family on the other side of town then I’m f*cking done.

Tbh the resemblance is uncanny.

Okay, I don’t like this Reggie/Veronica thing The CW is trying to make happen just because the two of them are dating in real life. I mean, is Reggie attractive? Yes. Does he seem to have more than three brain cells to rub together? Also, yes. Would I like to see him shirtless at least 60 percent more of the time? Yes, yes, yes. Okay, wait, maybe I’m more fine with this than I thought.

VERONICA: Jingle Jangle is soooo last year.
REGGIE: Tell me about it. It’s all about pop rocks fizzle pop now

FIZZLE POP. What kind of subliminal messaging are they trying to send children these days?! Is The CW trying to rebrand crack in 2019 or something??

Wait, so what kind of business is Jughead’s mom running, exactly? Like, is she running a garage or writing fan fic about her son and his redheaded boy toy? Because that Archie comment was v v creepy. “You sure grew up, Archie.” Keep it in your pants, Mrs. Jones!

Back at the nunnery/insane asylum/conversion camp, Betty starts bragging to the other inmates that she’s banging the Gargoyle King. She’s like “we’ve gotten really… close recently.” Yeah, you don’t have to be so coy about it, Betty. Everyone’s seen your webcam porn. Banging a shadow monster isn’t really that much of a stretch for you.

She locks Ethel into a room with the “Gargoyle King” so that when the drugs wear off Ethel will realize she’s just been talking to a statue for the last few weeks. This feels a little bit like payback for Ethel blackmailing Jughead into kissing her, but whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night, Betty!

The CDC starts raiding Riverdale High in the middle of third period. It’s unclear if this has anything to do with the “stress seizures” or if it’s just a Tuesday.

So let me get this straight, Riverdale High is shutting down?? So Hiram can start another drug factory? Like, do these parents WANT their children to be illiterate? I know they’re running their own bars and incorporating wigs and role play into their foreplay but, like, they still have to graduate!

Also, I just don’t understand why Hiram is having such a hard time finding real estate for his drug factories. Must he really continue to shut down high schools? I’m certain there must be another property around for his meth labs FIZZLE ROCK headquarters.

Cheryl and Veronica crash their parents’ private meeting. I love that four sets of parents are deciding the fate of an entire school district in this abandoned classroom. As if the other parents wouldn’t riot in the streets if there was suddenly not a single high school in the district to send their kids to.

Veronica starts calling Hiram out for his drug empire and no one believes her. To be fair she did stomp her foot halfway through and declare “but daddy!!”

Cheryl wants to know what happened to the rest of her squad who fainted the other day, and it’s a good question. It’s insinuated that they were taken away to be “experimented” on? Again I say, WHERE ARE THE PARENTS? If an entire cheerleading squad disappeared, f*cking PEOPLE magazine and every millennial with a podcast would be down there trying to investigate it.

CHERYL: You mess with the squad, you mess with me.

Please Cheryl for the love of GOD can you just set fire to this entire town and be done with it. I beg of you.

Meanwhile, Archie and Jughead fill in Jug’s mom about the happenings in Riverdale. I’m surprised she’s not taking a bottle of Chardonnay to the face after listening to all of that because that’s absolutely what I’ve been doing this entire season.

RIVERDALE: Gargoyle King. Diabolical teen fight club. Fizzle pop. Dry speakeasy.
ME:

Three seconds after Archie declares he’s a fugitive with a hit on his back he takes off on his own, probably to find another hot blonde to tell his entire life story to. He’s immediately accosted by Penny Peabody, who pulls a knife on him. Nevermind that he’s a 17-year-old boy in the prime of his life, but somehow he’s still easily overpowered by a middle-aged woman wearing too much leather. K.

JELLY BEAN: Drop the butter knife, bitch.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

This is the best line on this show TO DATE. Because Penny Peabody is in fact holding a butter knife to his neck and Archie def just almost sh*t himself in fear. 

Also Archie is the worst fugitive ever. Why don’t you get out of the immediate vicinity of your home, moron?? Like, this is a big world, kid. Stop going the only places Hiram would look for you.

After being taken down BY A PEBBLE, Penny Peabody is taken hostage by Gladys’ crew. Side note: Jughead’s mom looks far too old to have gotten with FP. I mean she’s hot and all, but I’m a little concerned this might have been a teacher and one of her middle school students kind of relationship that I read about in the New York Post all the time. Also, there is no one under the age of 65 named Gladys. I’m just saying. 

Betty calls Veronica and lets her know that she’s being held hostage at the Sisters of Quiet Mercy, but it’s chill, because she needed new material for her foreplay with Jughead anyways. She wants Veronica and Cheryl to figure out why Claudius was at the nunnery while she interrogates the head nun in charge.

Jughead’s mom tells them that there’s a huge bounty on Archie’s head—and anyone that’s helped Archie. She’s like “You gotta cut him loose, he’s dead weight.” F*CKING PREACH, GLADYS. I’ve only been saying this for three seasons.

ARCHIE: It’s okay, Jughead. You’ve gotten me this far, I can take care of the rest.

“This far”?? Lol aren’t they only, like, 20 miles outside of the town? Also, in the three miles they’ve ventured outside the Riverdale city limits, Archie has almost gotten himself killed twice before Jughead or one of his immediate relatives had to intervene. And we actually think he’s going to make it to the Canadian border by himself? He’ll probably twist his ankle after walking 300 feet, not be able to get back up, and starve to death. Sighs. A girl can certainly dream!

Cut to Betty, who has a woman of God strapped to a chair and is interrogating her. If the wigs and the internet porn weren’t damnation enough, Betty is CERTAINLY going to hell now. The nun says that G&G was a game made up by some insane teenagers as a way to cope with the world, which is funny because if I’m not mistaken that’s exactly how the creators of Riverdale came up with this godforsaken show.

Cheryl and Veronica are in the middle of their own interrogation. They’ve got Penelope tied to a chair and are waterboarding her with maple syrup. Waterboarding. Her. With. Maple. Syrup. I’m sorry, but are the Riverdale writers on fizzle pop too?? Or are we just tossing all semblances of reality out the window?

Jesus. Penelope just started licking her lips and it’s uncomfortably sexual. I want to call the police on whoever wrote this scene.

Gladys calls FP and Fred to come over to her garage to talk some sense into their moron sons. What a narc. But also good choice, because I shudder to think of what their next life choice might have been. 

FP: Can I get a hug?
JELLY BEAN: Can I get a dad?

No, but you certainly have a zaddyyyyy.

F*CKING BE APPRECIATIVE, JELLY BEAN. 

Cut to the Sisters of Quiet Mercy, where Betty is dressing up in cosplay to convince a bunch of unhinged teenage girls to escape the asylum. First of all, this town does not need one more unhinged teenager running amok. The 12 this show already revolves around are more than enough.

Second of all, it’s getting way too easy for these kids to break out of places. Like, was that one nun the only one in charge there? Where are the other adults? I thought there would be at least one other adult on the premises to stop the breakout. Apparently not. 

OMG. Wait. Is Archie really leaving?? Have pigs flown? Has Hell frozen over? Are all my hopes and dreams coming true?? Damn, should I try actually responding to my messages on Hinge now?

Veronica and Cheryl show up at Hermione’s office and try and kick her out of office. As if deposing a government official could ever be this easy. Hermione’s like “I’m sorry, Veronica, but this isn’t a democracy, this is a cheerocracy and I’m overruling you.” Is this the part where V calls her a cheer-tator and a pain in her ass?

Also, lol what “order” went out? That all crime is legal? Is THAT the diabolic plan? Hiram is turning Riverdale into a mini Purge?

Hiram decides to quarantine the entire town AS IF A GOVERNOR WOULD GO ALONG WITH THIS!!!! HAS ANYONE WRITING FOR THE CW EVER LIVED ON PLANET EARTH. Like, who is coming up with these plot points? Did Kelly Ripa blackmail @writerras into using her son’s screenplay in addition to getting her husband a starring role? What. Is. Happening. 

Okay, I’m done. I have to go take slow, relaxing breaths until January 15th when this stain upon the earth otherwise known as Riverdale finally returns from winter break. BYE.

Images: Giphy (4); @writerras /Instagram (1); @thecwriverdale /Instagram (1); @skeetme1 /Instagram (1); The CW (3)