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The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Women Tell Nothing

My my my, Bachelor Nation is crumbling right before our eyes, no? Between Rachael Kirkconnell’s racism scandal, Chris Harrison’s racism scandal, Taylor Nolan’s racism scandal, and Rachel Lindsay being bullied off Instagram because psychos are blaming her for other people’s racism scandals, I just can’t keep track anymore. Thankfully, I’m not here to talk about that today. I’m here to tackle what really matters: sex. Because tonight is fantasy suites, aka the episode where the microphone operators have to creep outside a bedroom until they hear a woman half-heartedly fake an orgasm. Make it quick for their sake, ladies!

Wait, what is that you tell me? They’ve switched up the order and tonight is The Women Tell All? I should have known that your regularly scheduled recapper Ryanne would only give up this week for one reason. Thanks pal! I’ll kill you later! Looks like I will be writing about 30 (almost) adult women screaming at each other about nothing for two hours. Shall we walk the plank together?

We jump right in, and the show makes a point of letting us know that this episode was pre-recorded before Chris’s disastrous interview with Rachel Lindsay. We get it, producers! Aside from the fact that you hired Chris, never once did a deep dive on any contestants’ social media before casting them, and barely included people of color until 2017, this is totally not your fault!!

Right off the bat, I feel like the women are sitting way too close to each other. It’s almost like ABC wants to wipe out this entire group of tattletales and bullies with a deadly virus. Hey, I hated this season too but you don’t have to kill them! Though I guess that might make ratings go up…

Early Confrontations 

Chris starts out by reminding the women that he blindsided them with new arrivals weeks after the season had already begun: “One of the interesting things that happened this season: five new people arrived.” I love how he’s acting like these women just wandered out of the forest in tacky ball gowns, walked up to the Nemacolin, and knocked on the door because they just HAD to meet a man who’s addicted to turtlenecks and embarrassing TikTok dances. 

Ryan tells Chris that she was offended when she arrived because she was called a hoe. Victoria was, of course, offended that Ryan was offended. 

VICTORIA: “People made fun of my bra straps and I just laughed it off”
ALSO VICTORIA:

 

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So this whole interaction was to get us to look at your bra, wasn’t it? I’ll admit I fell for it. And I don’t hate it. 

Katie vs. The Girls 

As it turns out, people hate a rat more than they hate a bully. Duh. Snitches get stitches. Ever heard of Fredo Corleone? Some of you didn’t grow up in an Italian-American family in New Jersey, and it shows. Pretty much all the women blamed Katie for creating the toxic situation in the house, because it got worse once she told Matt. 

MARI: Katie started the fire
KATIE:

If you know, you know. 

They also came at her for being the hardest on Sarah, and only saying that everyone should be nice to Sarah after finding out about her dad. Katie says to them, “It’s called learning, it’s called growing.” Wow, she’s already honed that standard Bachelor Nation non-apology. I dare them to find any old damning tweets of yours, girl! Did you go to any distasteful events recently? No worries! You know what you’ll say! 

This is not the way I was expecting this to go. The internet loves Katie! But, the internet is not 25 women that Katie called a bully, circling her and baring their brand-new veneers at her menacingly. The better to eat you with, my dear! 

Don’t worry Katie, the internet still loves you!

 

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Brittany In The Hot Seat

Chris Harrison calls up Brittany to the hot seat. He reminds us that she was called a “high-end escort”. TBH I think it’s nice of everyone to add high-end in there. Look, rumors aren’t cool, but at least Anna made her sound fancy in the process of being terrible. Brittany talks about her trauma from the rumor and Chris nods along solemnly as if he didn’t throw a suggestive wink every time he previewed the “most salacious accusation we’ve ever heard on this show.” 

Anna apologizes, but does still claim she had heard that Brittany was entertaining men for money. This is a classic Real Housewives move, and I’m low-key impressed. Like, “I’m sorry I said your husband was cheating, but it’s not my fault that I heard your husband is cheating.” Anna also continues to claim that she got so many messages about Brittany because “Chicago’s a small town.” Anna! Chicago has nearly three million people in it! Just because you and your best friend once spotted someone you’re pretty sure was Michelle Obama getting out of a limo at The Bean does not make it a small town! And I can tell you it wasn’t her! 

Even with all those caveats, Brittany accepts Anna’s apology. You’re a better woman than me, Brittany. Apologies are nice and all, but if I were her I’d make Anna pay to scrub those damaging Google results. Just an idea for you, Brit! 

“Outrageous Footage”

We are 35 minutes into this episode and they are already airing unseen footage. This does not bode well for the content of the rest of the episode. It seems that all the group dates that went straight to cocktail hour on the show were actually Fear Factor-esque. Touching bugs, stuffing their faces with food, wandering around the great outdoors—idk what the editors were doing this season, but I promise those episodes were not so jam-packed that we couldn’t have kept 30 seconds of Kit getting lost in the wilderness.

I swear the theme of all these dates was, “watch these girls vomit and then feel them up!!” Like, I get that you have limited options this year, but I feel like attempting to cause grievous bodily harm to the women every episode wasn’t totally necessary. 

Katie In The Hot Seat

Chris brings up Katie and legit says “YOU SHOWED UP WITH A MAGIC WAND.” That is a vibrator, sir. And I would really not like to find out that the reason he called it a “magic wand” is because that’s the name of the brand-new line of vibrators he’s created to go along with his romance novels. God, I beg of you, please spare us. 

We, of course, get a 10-minute clip of Katie’s story with Matt, and as they pan back to her she’s crying. Do we think it’s because she’s sad about Matt or because she’s sad she wore that parka on national TV? You’re trying to get someone to want to bang you Katie, you’re not going out to walk your dog at 6am when no one can see you. 

Katie wonders, “is there anyone out there for me?” I’m sure we’ll see that pasted all over her Bachelorette ads soon. At least it’s better than “Let’s do the damn thing!”

Abigail In The Hot Seat

The second this sweet creature sits down in the hot seat I’m reminded how Matt did her dirty. 

CHRIS: What happened? You guys were so into each other, had so much chemistry, and then he dumped you. Why couldn’t he love you?
ME:

Chris says that Abigail being on the show has had a massive impact on the deaf community. Oh good! Another community he can offend in an interview! You know behind the scenes the producers are just wetting themselves saying “our ratings with the deaf community have skyrocketed! Which underrepresented group can we target next!” Actually though, Abigail is an angel, and this broken franchise doesn’t deserve her.

Pieper In The Hot Seat

Okay, is everyone going to get a one-on-one sit down with Chris tonight? Will our misery never end? They’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel at this point. Maybe next we can get the masseuse who worked on Tyler’s back up there. Or the skydiver responsible for Rachael’s head contusion. Or Katie’s vibrator! Just dress it up in an LBD from Revolve and prop it up on the couch. It will fit right in and I’m sure the conversation will be very stimulating.

There’s really no point to this interview. Every single person that comes up to the hot seat is forced to rewatch their “love story”, and then Chris says “tell daddy how much it hurts,” and then he dismisses them because daddy doesn’t actually care. It. Is. Boring. 

Serena P In The Hot Seat

The word “hot seat” is already giving me PTSD. If this recap ends abruptly, please look for me shaking in a corner somewhere on the west coast of Florida. 

Chris is disappointed in Serena. He thought she was the one. 

CHRIS:

ME, SNORTING INTO MY WINE: Didn’t he see that awkward sex yoga date?

And now Serena is crying. Come on Serena!! You don’t have to do what the other girls did! We know you didn’t like him! Put that Visine back in your sleeve.  

Chris tells Serena he thinks she might regret her decision and that she might still love him. 

SERENA:

Wow. I’m starting to think Chris really never could read a room and it took Rachel Lindsay to point it all out to us. 

Matt In The Hot Seat

Matt finally shows up to his party, and it is a disappointment to say the least. WHAT IS ON HIS FACE?

 

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Chris and the women say they like it and sweetie, they are lying to you. That thing is like making out with a shag rug. 

Victoria immediately turns on the waterworks and tells Matt she was offended by the fact he told her she needed to “self-reflect” when she left. Who’s sensitive now, Queen V? Matt tells her, “when people ask me about you I only have good things to say.” I guess laughing when his friends mock her body is technically a loophole to that statement. But with all the apologizing going on tonight, he couldn’t muster one up? I guess he was a wimp this whole season, why stop now?

I really don’t understand the purpose of the women airing their grievances. Who cares? It’s over, and it was fake. If Chris asked me if I had any last words for Matt I’d shout “wear less turtlenecks!” And then GTFO. 

Can we get real for a sec? Does anyone seriously think we need these tell all episodes anymore? They reveal nothing new—contestants have already explained their terrible actions to the point of exhaustion on social media, and half the people there barely even appeared on the season. They should be more like Bravo reunions or not exist at all. Let’s accuse each other of f*cking a married ex-MLB player! Who has a drug problem?! Make it exciting! These moments may be messy, but at least they are real(ish). I feel like The Women Tell All was basically everyone reading a press release their publicist wrote for them. In the words of anyone who’s ever had a job, this could have been an email

Chris ends the episode by saying, “trust me, you have no idea what’s coming.” No, Chris of February 4th, 2021, YOU have no idea what’s coming. And we’re out! 

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (4); bachelorettewindmill, tvgoldtweets, victorialarson_/Instagram; holescandal/Twitter

The Most Dramatic Celebrity Breakups Of 2020

I think we can agree that 2020 was the most dramatic season year of all time. But you know who it was especially tough for? Lol no, not your grandma in her nursing home you idiot, I’m talking about celebrity couples. That’s right, they were dropping like flies this year, and I can only assume that’s because once you strip away the ability to jet off to exotic locations or drink tequila with George Clooney at Soho House and realize you’re stuck spending every waking moment on the couch with a fellow narcissist with an eighth grade education, you start to reevaluate your decisions. And reevaluate they did. Some quietly (Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudeikis), and some very, very, messily. And that’s who I want to focus on today because, well, it’s more fun for me. So now that 2020 is mercifully taking its final breaths, let’s look back at the most dramatic celebrity breakups of the year. 

Demi Lovato and Max Ehrich

I mean, yes, anyone with eyes and ears living on this planet saw this breakup coming a mile away. But could we have predicted the drama with which it ended? Fine, probably also yes, but boy has it been a beautiful gift in this bucket full of sewage water masquerading as a year. Let’s look at what went wrong here. Back in March, when we were all still naive souls with perfectly maintained gel manicures, Demi and Max got together. She popped up accidentally on his IG live at the end of the month, and that’s when it was officially confirmed they were dating. So I guess that means people watch his IG live then? What a sad world we live in. By July they were engaged, and by the end of September it was over. Shocking! And the rumor was his intentions were not genuine and he was using her for PR. Even more shocking! Now this is where it gets good. Max claimed on his Instagram stories that he heard about their breakup through a tabloid, which tbh sounds right about the level of respect this relationship deserved. Demi dropped a song called “Still Have Me” and he dropped an insane IG live comparing himself to Pete Davidson. 

not max ehrich dragging the ariana & pete situation in his mess.. also his acting is so bad pls pic.twitter.com/N3BAHddSRT

— h❀ (@fentgrande) October 2, 2020

Then he called the paparazzi on himself crying on the beach, which for me is just a regular Saturday and not really a photo-worthy event, but sure Max, whatever you need to do for relevance. Rumors were swirling that he wouldn’t leave Demi alone, and then we finally made it to the People’s Choice Awards, hosted by Miss Demi Lovato herself. She mentioned the engagement and breakup in her monologue, and of course Max jumped on that.

HIM TALKING ABOUT CLOUT? MAX EHRICH? OUT OF ALL PEOPLE? pic.twitter.com/nHESRD4OX2

— ً (@soIoIovato) November 19, 2020

It’s like the breakup that never ends. AND THEN, we finally got our punishment for even entertaining this man for one second: his debut single.

 

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As if we haven’t all been through enough. 

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green

I was really rooting for these two. Not that many couples that got together when one was a practically a teenager and one was a grown man really go the distance, but in the 15 years they were together they managed to get married, have three kids, and only cancel one divorce somewhere in the middle. Is that a love story straight from Shakespeare, or what? Sadly, BAG confirmed their split this May, after Megan was spotted hanging out with Machine Gun Kelly. Megan and MGK met on the set of  Midnight in the Grass, a movie produced by MY MAN aka RAND aka Randall Emmett, so I guess it will be as good as Gotti. This split started to get superrrrrr messy over their kids. My apologies for using children as a basis for my story, but their parents did it first.

First, Megan posted this shot with MGK. 

 

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Sweet, I guess. In, like, an Angelina wears a vial of Billy Bob’s blood kind of way. 

So naturally, a 47-year old man would respond to that this way. 

Achingly beautiful boys…… My heart is yours pic.twitter.com/eWQwcblhg2

— Brian Austin Green (@withBAGpod) August 5, 2020

I wonder how it feels to be this petty? I imagine exhilarating at first, but then the crushing shame spiral hits. Not speaking from experience, of course. 

Then on Halloween, Brian Austin Green posted a photo with their youngest child Journey in the frame and Megan just DRAGGED him in the comments. 

 

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I honestly have such secondhand embarrassment from their drama. If Megan was any older I’d assume she meant to send a private text but instead accidentally responded in the comments like my grandpa sometimes does, but considering this message isn’t in all caps and signed by name like a grandfather would do, I suspect it was on purpose. Why anyone would do this is beyond me.  Maybe to shame her ex, maybe to make herself look better, maybe to use big words to prove my eighth grade education claims wrong? Whatever the reason, y’all are gross. BAG didn’t respond, but he did repost the picture with the kid cropped out. How mature of both of them.

Colton Underwood and Cassie Randolph

We all know this story. Boy goes on reality TV show. Boy falls in love with girl. Boy jumps fence for girl. Girl begrudgingly agrees to be with boy for Instagram sponsorships. It’s beautiful, it’s magical, it ends in a restraining order. Back in May, Cassie and Colton announced their breakup, with Colton saying, “some people are just meant to be friends.” I’d imagine that’s especially true in cases where one person doesn’t really like the other, right Cassie? Things seemed amicable-ish until September, when Cassie filed a restraining order against Colton, accused him of sending unsettling text messages, and placing a tracking device on her car. TBH I think we could have all guessed that a man who would jump a fence for a woman wouldn’t be stopped from placing a tracking device on her car because of a pesky little thing called the law. Consider it jumped. Days before the court date in November, Cassie dismissed the order against Colton. Apparently they came to a private agreement. I bet those texts were even more unsettling. 

 

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Yeah, risking arrest

Vanessa Morgan and Michael Kopech

Any other Riverdale fans out there? Because I’m worried about Toni Topaz. Vanessa Morgan got married to White Sox pitcher and Brielle Biermann’s ex, Michael Kopech, in January of 2020. In April, she posted about his birthday on Instagram. And then in July she announced she was pregnant. 

 

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It seemed a little weird that she referred to the child as “my baby boy” instead of “our baby boy” but hey, she’s the one who’s going to have to push a living being out of her vagina, so I guess it’s really her prerogative to refer to him in whatever way she wants. Then, just three days later it was reported that Michael had filed for divorce in June. WHAT?! Her rep confirmed that Michael is the father of her child and that’s literally it. Complete and utter radio silence about the matter. Like, quieter than me during that final court scene in The Undoing quiet.  I think this one is so dramatic because I’m dying for answers and they won’t give them to me. Is anyone reading in the confidence of Vanessa Morgan and willing to betray her trust for a curious writer in the tristate area? PLEASE?

Offset and Cardi B

Look, I know these two are back together, but they’re on and off so much that maybe by press time they’ll be broken up again and I’ll be right. I’m taking my chances. In September it was reported that Cardi B and Offset were to divorce after three years of marriage. The rumors were that he was unfaithful, she hit a breaking point, and finally filed for divorce. He had previously been caught cheating three months after they got married, and then in 2018 they welcomed daughter Kulture. Between then and now, A LOT of drama has happened. Bartenders at a strip club claimed that Cardi B ordered an attack on them for allegedly cheating with Offset, Cardi and Offset split in December 2018 with her claiming they grew out of love, Offset begged her to come back on Instagram, and they reunited officially at the 2019 Grammys.

Now, I’m no relationship expert—I share a bed with my dog—BUT I think it’s safe to say maybe these two should break up? Personally, I think once hitmen get involved the government should force you to divorce. But apparently these two can’t stay apart. In October 2020, one month after filing for divorce, Cardi and Offset got back together, with her sharing on Instagram live “It’s really hard to have no dick.” Well, can’t argue with that logic *shrugs*.

 

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The modern love note.

Armie Hammer and Elizabeth Chambers

Armie Hammer, star of the recently released Rebecca, both twins in The Social Network, but mostly just hot rich person, broke up with his wife Elizabeth Chambers after 10 years of marriage. Considering their love story is about as exciting as soggy white bread, you wouldn’t expect their breakup to be that dramatic, right? Well, well, well you’d be wrong, because after wasting his prime sexy years on one lady, Armie is finally free to put his dick in everything he can find. First, he was spotted out with Rumer Willis looking prettyyyyy cozy. Then he was rumored to be dating Josh Lucas’s ex-wife, Jessica Ciencin Henriquez, and some app founder named Courtney. Now the word is that Armie is dating an Instagram model named Paige Lorenze. And according to submissions on DeuxMoi, Armie was not with his kids for Thanksgiving, and Elizabeth was caught liking an Armie hate account. EEK. This is a bad look and I love it. Is there anything more satisfying than nearly 40-year-olds acting like drunk, vengeful teens? I think not. 

 

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That’s a divorce look if I ever saw one

And those are this year’s messiest breakups! Although, with a few days left in 2020, it’s anyone’s guess what will happen.

Images: Kathy Hutchins / Shutterstock.com; fentgrande, sololovato, withBAGpod/Twitter; maxehrich, meganfox, commentsbycelebs, bachelorabc, vanessamorgan, offsetyrn, armiehammeradoration/Instagram

The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Tayshia’s Turn

Hello, friends! And welcome to the first recap of Tayshia’s season of The Bachelorette. We’ve ditched Clare and now we finally have a lead who’s willing to lead on 25 men for our entertainment and their humiliation. You love to see it. You may notice I’m not your regularly scheduled recapper, but Ryanne has a rich and busy personal life with things to do and people to see, and I have a full wine glass and a blank Google doc. But don’t worry! We have but one mind when it comes to The Bachelor franchise. Well, except for her opinion about Clare which I thought was absolute, well-articulated trash. It’s okay to disagree, I still love you, Ry! Anyway, shall we dive right in?

We begin with the men continuing to be sore losers while they wait for “the new girl” to show up. Blake looks like he’s wondering if he can get all $5.95 back for the Alzheimer’s book he bought.

Tayshia walks in with some fresh new highlights and the guys seem excited that she’s the new Bachelorette. They don’t immediately jump up and ask to steal her for a sec and she doesn’t immediately bite their heads off for no reason, so I’m already feeling like this is an improvement. Tayshia gives a breathy speech, talking about how she just wants to have a “bomb-ass summer.” Tayshia! This is not Paradise, you’re here to find love. Also, I hope that by “bomb-ass summer” you mean enjoying a generic brand popsicle on a partially deflated unicorn float, because otherwise I thinkkkkkk you’re going to be a bit disappointed in the service La Quinta has been providing. 

The men finally begin to pull her aside so they can get to know each other. How embarrassing for Tayshia that Riley tells her he has a real job as an attorney after she just used every euphemism she could come up with to tell him that she gets paid to post about tea that makes you sh*t your pants.

 

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Kick the stink💃🏾 I’ve been on the hunt for the perfect deodorant that protects against sweat AND uses scents that I already love. @secretdeodorant with Essential Oils does the job! that’s my secret 😉 #allstrengthnosweat #secretdeopartner

A post shared by ––––––– TAYSHIA ADAMS ––––––– (@tayshia) on Jul 10, 2020 at 5:24pm PDT

 

Or deodorant.

Tayshia also talks to a guy that refers to himself as “the weirdo in the turtleneck” which makes my job easier because he just came up with his nickname for me. Just as they’re starting to chat, Chris Harrison shows up and says, “I know you’re having a great time, but I have to tell you everything is about to change.” 

And just like that, I bet the men who were so happy to talk about how amazing Tayshia is 10 minutes ago are now whispering to themselves “that b*tch thinks she’s too good for us.”

The weirdo in the turtleneck runs in to report that there’s a “big-ass limo looking like it’s full of men.” How does a limo look like it’s full of men? Is it waving a flag covered in dicks? There is no way to actually tell that this limo is full of dudes. For all Turtleneck knows, it could be filled with puppies wearing berets. 

Okay fine, it was men. The first guy that steps out is Spencer, who walks right into the group of guys and says, “Which one of you scared away Clare?” Wow, shots fired. Blake looks like he wants to throw his Alzheimer’s book at Spencer’s head. 

Another guy named Noah brings a stethoscope and makes Tayshia listen to his heart. “It’s beating!!” Yes, Tayshia if it wasn’t beating this would be Weekend at Bernie’s, not The Bachelorette. I’m actually wondering where this guy got the stethoscope. That mustache makes me think he’s not really a doctor, so did he rip it off the producer who did his COVID test or steal it from his niece’s doctor kit before he left home?

After meeting all the new guys, Tayshia comes back into the house and Spencer immediately steals her away. The guys look like they are ready for their second mutiny in as many weeks. 

Kenny, the boy band manager, pulls her aside to chat and tells her that he books bands at a music venue. Ohhhhh okay. So the producers were just trying to humiliate him with that job title then. That tracks. 

The guy in sneakers tells Tayshia, “You had me at bomb-ass summer.” Have you ever heard anything so romantic in your whole life?! I think he stole that line from the first draft of Jerry Maguire. They were thisssss close to making it that instead of “You had me at hello.” 

I can’t stop staring at Tayshia’s teeth. They are SO white. I wonder if she got them as a part of her job in “the lifestyle space.”

The night is coming to a close and the producers Tayshia decides to give her first impression rose to Spencer. Tayshia then tells the men that she knows the love of her life is in the room, and instead of having a rose ceremony she would like to “continue all their journeys.” 

My dog and I looking at Chris Harrison when she says this:

And CHRIS SAYS NOTHING. The inmates are officially running the asylum.

Interview With Clare And Dale

Friends, if you thought you were going to get through tonight without hearing about the low standards Clare has in a mate, you were dead wrong. 

Clare sits down and flashes that giant CZ ring at us (what? You thought it was real? Like Neil Lane is just lying in a bathtub of diamonds to FedEx at Clare’s every whim?). Chris tells us that Clare’s engagement is “all everyone is talking about” during the most dramatic election of all time. 

Chris says “we’re going to get answers tonight.” Chris! You are not an investigative journalist and this is not Spotlight. Stop acting like you’re not going to just lob them a softball question with absolutely no follow-up or even a quick Google search that I’m sure would expose their lies. It’s fine. We all know you sold your soul to Mike Fleiss and we’ve accepted it. No need to pretend any longer. 

We have to listen to Clare continue to tell us that she never had a man show up. 

You mean like this, Clare?

 

 

 

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Congratulations to Clare and Benoit! ❤️❤️❤️ #TheBachelorWinterGames #WorldTellsAll

A post shared by The Bachelor Winter Games (@thebachwintergames) on Feb 23, 2018 at 12:19pm PST

She says that Dale has continued to show up for her every single day since they got engaged. Of course he has, Clare! It’s only been 60 days! I once showed up for my coffee cart guy 60 days in a row. It’s not that hard. But then you know what happened? They opened up a Starbucks and I ditched him. For your sake I pray they don’t open up a Starbucks near Dale! 

Clare and Dale swear they did not talk before the show (sure, Jan) and then she says that she knows her dad would be proud of this relationship. Oh, RIGHT. Where’s that DVD he left you, Clare Bear?! I would bet all my leftover Halloween candy on the fact that The Bachelorette is not above exploiting a dead man’s last words. You heard it here first—we WILL see this tape before the season ends.

Before we leave this all-too-awkward interview, Clare just has to tell Chris that babies are next! I think we can all assume that Clare takes her “birth control” out of a Tic Tac box every single night, no?

 

 

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can we please save dale

A post shared by bachelor nation (@bachelorettewindmill) on Nov 10, 2020 at 6:14pm PST

Tayshia’s Group Date

Tayshia actually shows up to her group date, which is already an immediate improvement over Clare’s group dates. She tells the men to strip because they are going to be playing a fun little game of water basketball. 

What I imagined Kenny taking off his shirt would look like:

What it actually looked like:

Tayshia makes the men get into Speedos and somewhere at home Yosef is composing a note to the network where he calls Tayshia a tramp and an unfit mother. I will say, there’s something about the milky white upper thigh of a grown man that I find very unsettling. I’m not quite sure why we need to keep seeing them, but if that’s what does it for these women, then who am I to judge?

At some point during this sad display of athletic prowess Spencer takes an elbow to the mouth. Tayshia goes over to take a look and exclaims, “that’s a lot of blood!” about an injury that produced less blood than a pimple I popped last week. Maskne is real, people. 

Back at the house, Jason is a mess. When the very thoughtful anesthesiologist asks him how he’s doing, he tells him he’s hanging on by a piece of floss. Wow. Profound. That’s going right into tonight’s diary entry. 

On the night portion of the group date the men sit around a giant trophy, and I feel sad for whatever low-level producer had to risk catching COVID to go to the Dollar General and pick that up for it to go immediately in the trash in 30 minutes.

Spencer takes Tayshia aside and shows her his lip again, as if it’s a serious injury. And this right here, friends, is why women are the ones who have to give birth. 

Jason decides he has to leave because he still has feelings for Clare. He goes to Tayshia’s door and tells her that she deserves someone amazing but he’s gotta skedaddle. Man, for someone who just two weeks ago said his exes would describe him as cruel and unfeeling, he really comes out of this smelling like roses, am I right?

One-On-One Date

Tayshia picked the weird guy in the turtleneck for her first one-on-one date of the season, and this is when I learned his name was Brendan. Tayshia shows up with two horses and looking like she wants to cosplay that scene in The Parent Trap where Dennis Quaid tries to tell Lindsay Lohan that he’s going to marry a 26-year-old. I’m into it, honestly. 

They start trotting their horses around the little resort pool and then they roll up on Chris Harrison making some margs. He offers them some and then full-on sprints to the next location. It looks like someone at ABC finally realized that Chris gets paid way too much for 30 seconds of airtime a season and is making him earn his paycheck. I fully support this. 

It’s cute, but Brendan would really just like Chris to f*ck off. 

Nighttime Date

At the night portion of the date Brendan tells Tayshia that he’s been divorced. She tells him that she has also been divorced and they feel connected. Well, I guess it’s a less tenuous connection than “both our parents hitchhiked!” so maybe they’ll at least make it longer than Dale and Clare.

Tayshia is clearly very into Brendan and gives him the rose. They go outside for fireworks which, on the scale of Bachelor dates, I would say falls above “performance by the winners of Listen to Your Heart” but below “line dancing at a bar”.

And that’s all for this week. Ryanne’s back with the recap next week so if you hated me, no need to say so in the comments. My mental health is already hanging on by a piece of floss, thanks!!

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Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (5); Tayshia, thebachwintergames, bachelorettewindmill/ Instagram

What We Know About Kendall Jenner’s Obscene Halloween Party

Guys, serious question. Why the f*ck do the Kardashians keep having parties? Hot on the heels of Kim’s ill-advised 40th birthday trip, Kendall decided to host her own 25th birthday/Halloween party on Harriet’s Rooftop at Hotel 1 in West Hollywood. That’s right, friends, while you were dropping candy down a chute to a kindergartener wearing a hazmat suit, the Kardashians & Co. were getting their aerosols all up in each other’s tightly costumed business.

The guest list was reported to be around 100 people, with attendees including Jaden Smith, Justin Bieber, The Weeknd, Winnie Harlow, Doja Cat, and 95 other people that I assume I hate. Kendall dressed up as Pamela Anderson and posted her costume on Instagram:

 

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“don’t call me babe” happy halloween! GO VOTE!!! me as Pamela Anderson in Barb Wire 📸 by my angel @amberasaly

A post shared by Kendall (@kendalljenner) on

Look, I’m not going to deny she looks great. But can all these idiots who run around obviously flouting the rules and keeping us in this state of lockdown stop telling me to vote? I already did, and I don’t need your hypocritical ass telling me to do so. Thanks!!

Not only did Kendall throw a huge party, but she clearly knew it was wrong, telling her guests not to post on social media. Of all the rules people should be following right now, THAT’S the one she wanted to enforce at this party??! Also, Kendall, that’s a sweet idea, but you invited people who literally make their living posting on social media. You really think they’re not going to post? That’s like throwing a raw steak at a lion and asking it not to eat it. Even Kendall’s own sister posted the party all over her stories. Intentional sabotage or honest (drunken) mistake?

not Kendall Jenner hosting a Halloween party in the middle of the pandemic and making a "no social media" rule so people wouldn't know pic.twitter.com/ZfmvooNMkk

— ema | TAYLOR IS FREE (@repaotd) November 1, 2020

Lest you all think I am being dramatic (me? never!) and critical of Kendall for no reason, let’s give her the benefit of the doubt! I’m going to take a look at some of the CDC recommendations for gatherings and see how well they were followed at this party.  

Currently, the CDC recommends that people wear masks when they are less than six feet away from other people.

 

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Kendall via @xxbridge Instagram Story 🔥 @kendalljenner #kendalljenner #kourtneykardashian #kourtneykardashian #bellahadid #kendalljennersnapchat #kendallstyle #kendall #kendalljennerfans #kenginews #follow4follow #kendalljennerrp #kendalljennerlook #kendalltattoos #gigihadid #kardashian #kourtneykardashian #khloekardashian #kimkardashian #krisjenner #kyliejennerlips #jenners #kardashian

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Hmmm okay, so I guess that one’s a fail. Unless full body makeup counts?! I have a call out to Dr. Fauci, so if he calls me back and says this one is fine, I’ll update you!! 

The CDC also suggests guests bring their own food, and limit the amount of people where food is being handled. Let’s see how they did on that one:

 

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Kendall celebrating her 25th birthday! 🎉🎃🔥 #happybirthday #kendalljennerhappybirthday #happybirthday25 @kendalljenner #kendalljenner #kourtneykardashian #kourtneykardashian #bellahadid #kendalljennersnapchat #kendallstyle #kendall #kendalljennerfans #kenginews #follow4follow #kendalljennerrp #kendalljennerlook #kendalltattoos #gigihadid #kardashian #kourtneykardashian #khloekardashian #kimkardashian #krisjenner #kyliejennerlips #jenners #kardashian

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SHE BLEW OUT CANDLES!! That wasn’t even sanitary BEFORE people were dying from other people’s spit! I hope that coronavirus was at least buttercream. 

And finally, they recommend that guests minimize gestures that promote close contact. For example, don’t shake hands, do elbow bumps, or give hugs. Instead wave and verbally greet them.

 

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Kendall vía @kyliejenner Instagram Story 🔥 @kendalljenner #kendalljenner #kourtneykardashian #kourtneykardashian #bellahadid #kendalljennersnapchat #kendallstyle #kendall #kendalljennerfans #kenginews #follow4follow #kendalljennerrp #kendalljennerlook #kendalltattoos #gigihadid #kardashian #kourtneykardashian #khloekardashian #kimkardashian #krisjenner #kyliejennerlips #jenners #kardashian

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Does groping count? I really wish they had been more specific about butt contact. I can’t be the only one with this question. 

ET reports that they rapid tested everyone at the door, and only people who tested negative were allowed to go up. That’s at least something, I guess, but who was doing this testing? A doctor?  Or were they just hazing some low-tier Tik Tok star who was willing to demean themselves by sticking Q-tips up popstars’ noses for a precious invite? My money’s on that one. 

Also, this testing is imperfect! A negative rapid test is not an all-access pass to straddle a dude dressed as the Nutty Professor. It’s just not. 

And I’m not the only one who’s pissed. Naturally, the internet went crazy over this party. 

Ok Kendall Jenner blowing out candles as a masked waiter holds her cake and tries to move out of the way was actually the scariest thing I saw on Halloween pic.twitter.com/o46ri7TJ9W

— Nicholindz Cage (@lolzlindz) November 1, 2020

CAN ALL THESE CELEBRITIES AKA KYLIE JENNER, KENDALL JENNER, JUSTIN BIEBER, NIKITA DRAGUN, JADEN SMITH TO NAME A FEW STOP BEING IGNORANT TOWARDS THIS VIRUS THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT ARE DYING U DONT NEED A HALLOWEEN PARTY

— ❀bec⁷ (@sixthirtyagbs) November 1, 2020

kendall jenner throwing a party in the middle of a GLOBAL PANDEMIC is irresponsible beyond imagination. people are going homeless and losing their jobs. there are people dying in hospitals everyday because of this. instead of you staying home your putting more people at risk pic.twitter.com/GXhJRonHW1

— victoria ᴴ (@harrysgrovvy) November 2, 2020

I think the fact that anyone would call this a “super safe” party just shows what a truly skewed view of reality celebrities have right now (and always).

So now I have another question for you. Where are the consequences for the Kardashians? Morgan Wallen got dumped from SNL for partying without a mask, and the NFL has fined teams and coaches for not wearing masks. But it seems that things that stick to others never seem to stick to this family. I think there needs to be a larger conversation about why it’s time for us as a country to be done with the Kardashian/Jenners and their problematic behavior, but in the meantime I would like to see some sort of consequence for how they’ve acted throughout this whole global crisis. Kendall has yet to respond to backlash, but I’m not holding my breath for anything remotely apologetic.

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Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; kendalljenner, kendalljenner_official__ (3)/Instagram; repaotd, lolzlindz, sixthirtyagbs,harrysgrovvy/Twitter

Not Even A Global Pandemic & The Oldest Lead Ever Could Change ‘The Bachelorette’

The Bachelorette is back! After months of waiting, about a million spoilers, and one very heinous stand-in called Listen to your Heart that could only be punishment for something I did in a past life, our heroine Clare Crawley has finally embarked on her journey. And it was a bit familiar, no? I was hopeful that this season was going to be different.  

After Peter’s season of The Bachelor, it was obvious the franchise had to change. The women were immature, Peter let his conscience penis be his guide, and the whole thing felt like an audition for an Instagram sponsored ad. And so naturally it led to a broken engagement and then a 30-hour relationship with the runner-up. Penises make bad choices! So I was heartened when production did not choose a 22-year-old influencer with more filler than a Real Housewife as our Bachelorette, but instead chose Clare, a 39-year-old who seemed to be serious about finding a husband. And look, guys, I know this show is mostly fake. Like Clare, I was not born yesterday. But I do appreciate the show at least attempting to put on a better charade. But unfortunately, as last night showed, the charade was the same. We’ve all been through a lot leading up to this premiere. And it seems that not even a global pandemic and the oldest Bachelorette in history can make The Bachelorette into something a little less absurd. Let me elaborate.  

Of course we began with Chris Harrison giving the obligatory “unprecedented times” speech. I mean, the last thing I need during these unprecedented times is a rich dude that probably spent these unprecedented times on the golf course sipping scotch reminding me about it, but okay. And we see our contestants gallantly suffering through COVID tests just so that they can swallow Clare’s face whole in a hot tub somewhere. 

Me when the guys are shrieking through their COVID tests:

And then after that, the show was off and up to its old tricks. 

First, we had the drama between Yosef and the dude from West Virginia. It is too early in this season for me to remember everyone’s name so you get what you get, okay? Mr. West Virginia knew that Yosef was DM’ing girls before coming on this show. My god, my generation is embarrassing. Like 90% of our TV drama is based on DM’ing; history will look back on us with disgust. This virus would be cured if only we would stop wasting time DM’ing! Imagine what our brains could do!

The drama was brought immediately to Clare, and at first I was impressed that she shut them down to go talk to the other men. But of course, at the rose ceremony, she ended up picking Yosef anyway. What are you doing, Clare? He looks like a Batman villain! This is going to end badly! If I know how this storyline plays out on a Bachelor franchise show (I do) there will be more drama to come with Yosef. 

Me too. It’s that you get kicked off after starting drama.  

Then we also, of course, have the men who complain they didn’t get time to talk to the Bachelorette. There were a few that complained throughout the night, but Tattooed Chef really takes the whining to the next level. He says that she “could have met her husband tonight” and he wanted to show her his heart but not literally, and then points to the tattoo of a heart on his chest. That’s still not literally showing her your heart, pal. Just a little free grammar lesson for ya right there. I just can’t believe it’s 2020 and men are still complaining about not getting time to talk to the lead. C’mon guys! Take that confidence you all have to apply for jobs you’re not remotely qualified for, and bring it to this show! If this pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that time may be stagnant but we’re all still getting older, so if you have the opportunity to actually meet someone, just f*cking talk to them. I have no sympathy. 

The men also have the same old ridiculous entrances. I’m sorry, but when I get out of quarantine after not seeing a man for the last seven months, the one that opens a ring box that farts at me will be immediately executed. I’m bringing King Henry VIII energy to post-pandemic dating, and I really wish Clare had channeled more homicidal maniacs herself. We also have the guy that wore a straitjacket the entire night, which fine, respect, and the guys that drove up in different cars. This parade of men could have been any other year. Even the guy in the bubble could have happened in the before times, because people seem to think those things are fun, and not vomit-inducing. Where are the guys that are going to impress me instead of make me want to watch the rest of the show through my hands while shrieking? Clare has waited this long, can’t we at least give her some men that didn’t first appear on America’s Funniest Home Videos?

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It’s the night one confidence for us 😏

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I know that this season is going to be the “most dramatic ever” yada yada yada Chris Harrison’s bullsh*t, but even in the previews it felt familiar. Clare’s season is short and unconventional, but they’ve still managed to cram in some of their favorite overplayed things. Like Colton’s virginity and Peter’s pilot status before her, Clare’s age seems to be the subject destined to be harped on all season. If I had taken a shot every time I heard “oldest Bachelorette in history” in the five-minute season preview, I would actually be dead right now. Or at least so incapacitated my dog would have to write this article and then the whole thing would be about how I never brought her to a resort filled with men who would pet her and do I have to be such an anti-social troll? In that preview I also saw men who are not there for the right reasons and dramatic yelling. So nothing new to see here. 

Look, I’m not saying that because we’ve had a global pandemic and Clare is 39, The Bachelorette had to do a 180 and no longer be fun. But this is a reality show. And reality has changed. I know mine has changed! In February I had a job, an apartment, and a daily workout class. I no longer have those things, so the way I approach things is different, and the things I talk about are totally different. But if ABC hadn’t given us Chris Harrison’s dramatic intro, it would honestly have been like nothing happened. Like all things, The Bachelor/ette must adapt or die. My tolerance now for petty bullsh*t is a little bit lower, and my desire to hear about the banana bread someone baked is a little bit higher. Were there chocolate chips in it? Did they add pumpkin? Just give me a little something!

In all seriousness, I hope that as we move on in the season that we do see a little perspective from the contestants and a little more authenticity throughout the whole process. This year is already bonkers! No need to manufacture all the same old drama as before. I’m giving you another episode (okay fine, the whole season), so show me what you got, Bachelorette.

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Images: Giphy (2), bacheloretteabc/Instagram; ABC/Maarten de Boer

The Most Wild ‘Bachelor’ Moments You Totally Forgot About

I have a confession. I’ve had as much fun as the next girl watching Selling Sunset. I truly enjoyed my time binge-watching Below Deck Mediterranean. And I’m absolutely delighted in how much smarter I was than those horny dummies hemorrhaging money on Too Hot to Handle. But I’ll be damned if I am not ready for my OG reality obsession to start back up. Sure, I may sh*t talk The Bachelor franchise to anyone with ears (mostly my dog these days), but I think we all know that when I’m on my deathbed surrounded by friends and loved ones I’ll use my last words to whisper, “They were all there for the wrong reasons.” So I am pleased to say that The Bachelorette is finally premiering on ABC Tuesday, October 13th at 8/7 central (I swear, I spend half my life shilling for Chris Harrison). In anticipation of the show, and what we know will be a bonkers season, I started thinking about the wildest moments that this franchise has blessed us with. And I’m not talking about Colton jumping the fence, I wrote that phrase more times than my own name in 2019 and I’ve asked the devil to strike me down if I ever dare do it again. I’m talking about the moments you forgot about, the weird, the awkward, the shriek-worthy. Let us remember together. 

The Contestant That Dated A Producer

Okay, I’m taking us way back to Jake Pavelka’s season in 2010 for this one, and yes I know that was a long time ago. I told you this is the list of moments you forgot! You’re not going to forget something that happened last season unless you drank an entire bottle of wine every episode! Oh wait… do I need to rethink this entire list? Whatever, I’m going with it. Anyway, on Jake’s season, there was a contestant who got kicked off the show because she engaged in a “physical relationship” with a producer. Chris Harrison claimed the producer confessed multiple times to multiple people (seems excessive, but k), and that other girls on the show saw it happen. Shame, shame, I know your name. And it’s Rozlyn Papa! 

Rozlyn was confronted by Chris and kicked off the show. She vehemently denied that anything happened with the producer, claiming they were just “close friends.” Either way, it was enough to get her the boot.

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SEVEN MORE DAYS UNTIL #THEBACHELOR SEASON PREMIERE! To celebrate (and fill content) I am counting down my Top 14 wildest moments on The Bachelor and will share one each day. Today I’m sharing #7, Rozlyn gets accused of having an inappropriate relationship with a staffer. To be completely honest, Rozlyn was ahead of her time, I’m sure these inappropriate relationships happen all the time bc let’s be real. You are not auditoning to go on for someone, they don’t pick the lead until very late and after the group of contestants is chosen. So many people have admitted they weren’t into the lead when filming and Rozlyn just happened to get caught. Also Jake Pavelka is such a phony, @viennagirardi was right, he’s totally acting here and it’s obvious. This was WEEK TWO, not week 7 or 8. #thebachelor #thebachelorette #bachelorinparadise #bachelornation #bachelor #jakepavelka #rozlynpapa #bachelor #bachelorette #rozlyn @rozlynpapa #abc #chrisharrison

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Nick Viall Slut-Shames Andi Dorfman 

I’d be remiss if I did not mention the Bachelor whose entire being is an assault on all five of my senses, who single-handedly turned me against the turtleneck, and whose voice sends a chill down my spine. And that man is Nick Viall. Nick must have some dark sh*t on Mike Fleiss to have gotten himself on this franchise four times because I truly do not get his appeal. Especially since his first appearance was such a disaster. For you youngsters who only know Nick as The Bachelor, please take my hand while I lead you back to Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette in 2014. Nick was the runner-up, which makes sense because nice guys finish last, but slut-shaming creeps usually finish second.

During the After The Final Rose special, Nick confronted Andi and said to her, “If you weren’t in love with me, I’m just not sure why you made love with me.” First of all, only the most deranged psychopaths would say “made love with me.” Like, pretty sure even Ted Bundy knew that was too f*cking weird for a normal human to say. Second of all, really pal? You have to call her out for sleeping with you on national TV just because you’re embarrassed she didn’t pick you? And also, I’m confused. When you became the bachelor, Nick, a woman you slept with at Jade’s wedding showed up. If you weren’t in love with her, why did you make love with her? ANSWER ME. You know what? I’m getting re-fired up about this. Maybe with all this free time I’ve acquired during the pandemic, I should start doing some good in the world. And by that I mean finding Nick Viall, following him to all of his sexual encounters, hiding behind the curtains, and screaming “if you aren’t in love with her, why did you make love with her!” when it’s all over. Or is that going too far? I can’t tell what’s socially acceptable anymore.

Demario’s Ex-Girlfriend Shows Up

Demario Jackson was a contestant on Rachel Lindsay’s season of The Bachelorette. During a group basketball date, a woman claiming to be Demario’s girlfriend showed up. Lexi claimed that she and Demario had been dating for six months and that he had a key to her house. To be fair, anyone that looks under my doormat could claim to have a key to my house, so is that really a smoking gun? Regardless, Rachel told Demario to “get the f*ck out”, but he maintains that Lexi was a fake girlfriend, and tbh that girl was wearing a scrunchie before they officially came back, so I’d deny I dated her too.

Demario isn’t the only contestant over the years to have allegedly had a significant other during the filming of the show. Justin “Rated R” (gag me) Rego from Ali’s season walked so Demario could run. And most recently we had Jed Wyatt, Hannah’s winner, who went on the show while having a girlfriend in an attempt to further his career. I’m sure you all remember the chart-topping single “I wanna be your Mr. Right,” and his CMA nomination, right?

All Of The Terrible Humans That ABC Has Cast

Look, if I had to list all the racists, sexists, and convicted felons that have been cast on this show separately, I would die of carpal tunnel. And then how would I continue to delight you all with my witty commentary for years to come? So I’m going to lump them all together. First, we have Lee Garret, who was cast for Rachel Lindsay’s season, the first Black bachelorette, whose racist tweets surfaced after the season was filmed. Really, ABC? It took them so long to finally cast a Black lead, and then she has to deal with this sh*t. It’s not nice, it could have been avoided, and I’m not convinced it wasn’t done on purpose. 

Then we have Lincoln Adim who was first known for sh*tting on the floor in his office bathroom and then later known for being convicted of indecent assault and battery on a cruise ship. He had already been charged when the show was cast and now he is officially a registered sex offender. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times. ABC MUST stop hiring three toddlers in a trench coat to do background checks. 

The Legend Of Sanderson Poe

Poor Sanderson Poe. He really became collateral damage in his sociopathic widow’s quest for reality TV fame, didn’t he? For those of you who are very confused right now, Kelsey Poe was a contestant on Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor. At first, she seemed like the typical contestant of that time—a cute girl with a sob story. Mike Fleiss legit jerks off to sob stories. And so, it seems, does Kelsey Poe. Kelsey revealed her story to Chris, telling him about how she was widowed. But to the camera, she called her story amazing and declared that she loved her tragic story. Even I found it quite disturbing, and I’m usually totally fine with stories where men die. She went on to say “I know this is a show about Chris, but this is my love story, too. This is the unfolding of somebody who’s been through something so tragic and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and into another relationship.” I’m sorry, but did she steal that line straight out of the producer’s notebook at her casting session? You’re not supposed to view your own story the same way a poor, soulless, LA grunt would, Kelsey!

Then, Kelsey went on one of the most awkward 2-on-1 dates of all time with Ashley I, she of the overactive tear ducts, and Chris Soules, the aforementioned Bachelor who giggled for an entire season instead of forming full sentences. On that date, Chris decided to ditch them both, leaving them alone in the desert with only buckets of Ashley’s tears on which to survive. 

The rose is just a rouse #thebachelor

Posted by Kelsey Poe on Sunday, February 8, 2015

All Of Chad’s Behavior

There were some admirable things about Chad Johnson, a contestant on JoJo Fletcher’s season of The Bachelorette. His commitment to fitness. His apparent ability to smuggle steroids through airport security. His affinity for protein. Unfortunately, those good qualities were overshadowed by his homicidal threats and blackout drunk episodes. If only he could have kept those pesky traits under control! Throughout the whole season, Chad was aggressive and threatening toward the other contestants. He grabbed Evan’s shirt and ripped it. He said he would dismember the other guys (that was a little funny). He even threatened to find Jordan after the show. Look Chad, you’re not Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers, and this is not cute. 

Except I guess ABC did think it was cute, because after JoJo kicked him off The Bachelorette, ABC cast him again for Bachelor in Paradise. And he was kicked off after the first night for “shockingly offensive behavior.” He got wasted, called multiple women bitches, and pooped his pants. He even had the gall to insult Chris Harrison AND mimosas when he was sober the next day. I am shocked!! It’s almost like the producers didn’t watch their own show! How could they have known he would behave this way? Oh wait, they totally could have. Stop casting toxic abusive assholes, ABC. How many homemade signs do I have to wave outside your office that say that? I only have so many glitter markers!

Raven’s Orgasm Dance 

Did you think I was going to mock Nick Viall only one time in this article? I’d hoped you knew me better than that. Nick finally wormed his way to the top even after nobody wanted to see him on TV again, and was named the Bachelor. Raven Gates was a contestant on his season who confessed that she never had an orgasm before. And for some reason, she thought Nick was going to be the one to change that. They had their fantasy suite date, and in the morning Raven said “Nick is really good at what he does” and LITERALLY DID AN ORGASM DANCE around the town. Not only was this more embarrassing to me than the time my grandmother walked in on me watching Black Swan and I had to scream “look away!”, but I also just don’t believe it. There’s no way that Raven went 25 years without an orgasm, only to meet a man on a reality TV show who I’m pretty sure has a beard transplant, and THAT’S what finally does it for her? It’s just implausible, is all I’m saying. The numbers don’t add up. 

And those are the wildest moments from The Bachelor that you forgot about. Did I forget any moments you forgot in this article?  Let me know!

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Images: Tinseltown / Shutterstock.com; Giphy (5); Kelsey Poe/Facebook; doyoucallthisimmature/Instagram

Which New True Crime Documentary You Should Watch Based On Your Personality

I’ve gone through TV this pandemic like the stages of grief. The first stage was the prestige drama. “It’s the perfect time to finally watch The Wire,” I thought! Turns out, the intricacies of the drug trade in Baltimore were heavy and complicated. Who can handle that in a time like this? Next came the trashy reality TV stage. “Watching people get drunk, naked, and make bad decisions is exactly what I need to get me through this pandemic! Too Hot To Handle will heal me,” I reasoned. Turns out, watching people get closer than six feet apart made me jealous, angry, and a little bit panicky. On to the next! The third stage was comfort TV. “Time to settle in with all my old friends! A little Jess Day-Nick Miller time is what I need.” Turns out, New Girl just made me long for the simpler times when I first discovered it.

So I’ve finally made it to my final stage of TV. The true crime documentary. THIS is exactly what I need. Something that keeps me up at night out of fear that someone will break in and dismember me and not because I’ll never be able to buy a house! And the great thing about true crime is that there’s a little something for everyone. Murder? Good! Scams? Good! Cults? Good! It’s all here. And lately we’ve been blessed with an embarrassment of true crime riches. So which one should you watch? Oh don’t fret, I’ve got you covered and will be breaking it down for you by interest. Because when my therapist says, “maybe you should slow down on the crime so you don’t have to clutch a butter knife all night long” I like to double down instead of taking the suggestion. You’re welcome! 

*Friendly warning: There might be some light spoilers in here, so tread carefully if you’re going to be mad that I mentioned something that happened 20 years ago was already splashed all over countless newspapers and magazines!*

If You’re A Late Night Reddit Fiend You Should Watch…

Unsolved Mysteries – Netflix

Me the next few days trying to solve all the crimes. #UnsolvedMysteries pic.twitter.com/fehQDM2WCC

— Cancelled♡ (@Thatsovirgo) July 2, 2020

Unsolved Mysteries dropped on Netflix in July, and it’s a revival of an old show that was on TV way back when The Bachelor was but a twinkle in Mike Fleiss’ eye. There are six new episodes detailing crimes or weird happenings (aliens are real y’all, change my mind) that have never been solved. So if you’re the kind of person that likes to spend all night theorizing to strangers as to why a man would sleep with the ashes of his murdered wife, or if you enjoy combing through letters that were left by a dead man and comparing them to the plot of a movie then this. is. your. show. And hey! If you solve one of these cases, all that time you spent maniacally whispering to yourself, “it wasn’t suicide”, neglecting showers, and subsisting only on Cheetos and then the left over Cheeto dust that collected on your shirt will just be called a “cute phase” instead of a “mental breakdown”. 

Jeffrey Epstein: Filthy Rich – Netflix

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Speaking of it not being suicide, it’s obviously time to move on to Jeffrey Epstein. The theories abound about what actually happened to him in that prison cell, but this documentary actually focuses on the girls (now women) he abused and how his money, access, and power allowed it to happen without consequence for years. It’s terrifying. Netflix even calls it a “molestation pyramid scheme” and now I’m actually thankful that all the girls I went to high school with only got involved in makeup pyramid schemes. But in all seriousness, Jeffrey Epstein was very connected to some of the most powerful people in the world and it makes me suspicious that literally every man in charge of anything was involved. My mom always did tell me growing up that everyone’s a perv. This series made me believe it. 

Outcry – Hulu

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Lord heal and protect these wounds that have been inflicted upon me and my family, may we rest in your presence and may your glory be exalted all the days of my life. #outcry #showtime

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This one is for all of you out there that love Friday Night Lights, but wish it had involved more ruined lives, child molestation, and shoddy detective work. Greg Kelley was a high school football star in Texas when he was accused and convicted of sexually assaulting a 4-year-old that attended daycare in the house where he lived. I know, a tough pill to swallow. But this series follows Greg as he is in prison, and then eventually is exonerated for the crime. Throughout the documentary we see how poorly the case was handled, how important leads were not investigated, and how because of that, this child never got justice. I have my theory of who actually committed this crime but for legal reasons I’ll not publish it here, so maybe this time that anonymous person you see speculating on Reddit is ME. 

*Cue Beyoncé* If You’re Into Girl Power You Should Watch…

Love Fraud – Hulu

Friends, Love Fraud brought me so much joy. I mean, not the part where we hear from multiple women that they were conned out of hundreds of thousands of dollars. That brought me rage. I mean the part where these women connect with each other, hire themselves a badass female bounty hunter, and attempt to find this life-sized maggot dressed in a suit and masquerading as a man on their own. I mean, the part where one of the women, Sabrina, says right to the camera, “Scott, you lying sack of sh*t, you f*cked me. And I’m coming after you.” Sabrina is my raison d’être. I mean the part where they’re out for revenge. Ladies, if you’re like me and you need a little joy in your life, it’s time to cue up Love Fraud. 

Our bounty hunter, ladies and gentlemen.

I’ll Be Gone in the Dark – HBO

I can’t say enough good things about this documentary. It started as a book about the Golden State Killer by Michelle McNamara that transcended the true crime genre. The documentary details the case and features survivors, while also including Michelle’s writing process, her dogged efforts to solve the case, and her tragic death before completing the book. It’s different from any documentary you’ve ever seen (much like the book was) and the best part? They actually caught the son of a b*tch that did it using a genealogical website! And less than two weeks ago, they rolled that old murdering prick who thought for so long that he got away with it into court and sentenced him to life in prison without parole. How often does that happen?! It’s hard to watch and beautiful to watch, and I highly recommend it. And it also teaches you to maybe warn your family members before you spit in a tube and send it off to 23 and Me, because you might find out you aren’t as Italian as your mom said you were, but they might get arrested for murder.

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TFW the serial killer you helped catch is going to die in prison.

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If You Think Everything Is A Scam You Should Watch…

(Un)well – Netflix

This one’s for you, Goopers. Believe it or not (believe it) shoving a jade egg up your vagina is not a good idea. And if you’ve done that, it’s time you check out this series. (Un)well examines the wellness industry and how it takes advantage of unsuspecting folks like you and me to make billions of dollars. Each episode examines a different wellness trend like essential oils or breast milk and shows us both sides of the issue. It might not sound your typical true crime series, but I promise you when you hear a grown man talk about his “mother’s milk smoothie” you’ll certainly be ready to commit murder yourself. 

The Vow – HBO

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What would you commit to? The Vow, a new documentary series that explores the world of NXIVM, premieres August 23 at 10 pm. #TheVowHBO

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And finally we’ve made it to The Vow, the new HBO series detailing the NXIVM cult. I’ve only watched the first episode so far (the new episodes are still dropping) but I’m obsessed. We haven’t gotten to the part where anything bad happens yet so I’m full-steam ahead invested in this organization. Yes I DO want to find my higher purpose! Yes, they DID cure Tourette’s! Yes, I DO need one of those sashes! Needless to say, I can see how people got roped in. I’ve got to see where this goes quick, before I start writing to Keith Raniere in prison. Help. 

I think there’s something for everyone on this list, so I hope you all get everything your true crime seeking heart desires. Did I miss anything? If you know about a crime doc I forgot please hit me up in the comments, lord knows I need more fuel for my constant nightmares.

Images: Netflix; thatsovirgo/Twitter; memetides, grkelley2, pattonoswalt, hbo/Instagram; Giphy (1)

Does ABC Actually Want ‘The Bachelor’ To Be Spoiled?

For the last 18 years, ABC has slowly sucked the will to live out of us with a torture device known as The Bachelor. I hate this show. But my god, I LOVE this show. You know what I mean? In the beginning, it was gripping because reality TV was relatively new, and we got to see people genuinely fall in love. In the end times (that’s us now, am I right COVID/murder hornets/Isaias?) it’s gripping because of the unconventional endings and the overwhelming desire to know which blonde women from the South will end up with the best FabFitFun sponsorship when it’s over. But, through the years, one thing that’s remained constant in Bachelor Nation is its disdain for spoilers. That’s right! Bring on the racists and the sex offenders, but don’t you DARE spoil this contrived mockery of modern courtship for the masses. Or at least, that’s what they say. But I’ve got another theory. I think ABC actually LOVES having the season spoiled. And, dare I say it…they may even spoil it themselves. Allow me to explain. 

First, let me lay out the evidence that ABC claims to hate spoilers. Just last season, Chris Harrison went on Almost Famous, Ben Higgins’ and Ashley I’s podcast, and told them that spoilers “ruin people’s lives,” are “disrespecting the hard work done by writers and producers,” and that people who spoil the season “have no self-worth.”

Oh, Chris. That’s cute. But people with no self-worth are busy ruining their lives by texting their cheating ex 73 times at 1am (hypothetically!), they don’t spoil The Bachelor. Producers also make the contestants sign an NDA when they go on the show, which of course includes a clause forbidding them from revealing the ending. 

But even with that clause and Chris Harrison publicly cursing Reality Steve’s name, somehow spoilers get out. Every season since Jason Mesnick’s, actually, and I know like 75% of you reading this were still wearing a diaper when he was publicly changing his mind (ugh, men). So, spoilers have been a part of the Bachelor franchise for a long time—longer than March 2020. And of course there are some reasons for this that don’t involve an underpaid production assistant getting wine drunk and chatty in a public place near a recording device. Obviously The Bachelor is a big production, and they have dates out in public, so naturally people are going to see them, take pictures, and tweet about it. And some seasons the lead even spoils it themselves. Kaitlyn Bristowe actually posted a Snapchat in bed with her winner Shawn Booth before the season finished airing. 

Well Kaitlyn just gave away who won the bachelorette on snapchat @RealitySteve pic.twitter.com/MlbIX3fNQx

— Graceanne Parks (@GraceanneParks) June 13, 2015

So, like, did Kaitlyn get in trouble for this? If she broke this clause in the NDA and didn’t get sued, can contestants on the show finally talk about “controversial topics” like feminism? Please hit me back, Bachelor lawyers. And, if she didn’t get sued, doesn’t that just further the idea that, at the very least, ABC doesn’t really care if their show is spoiled? The only consequence for her actions that I could find was when Jimmy Kimmel told her that ABC was “very, very mad.” Well! I didn’t know they were very, very mad! Two very’s! That should certainly serve as a strong deterrent to other contestants.

So, of course, plenty of people, spies and dummies alike, are spoiling The Bachelor. They have never been able to contain it. My bet is that ABC decided that if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Because we have finally made it to my star witness, the season that has me all riled up, Season 16 of The Bachelorette, aka The Clare Catastrophe™ . The Clare Catastrophe™ began all the way back in March, when Clare Crawley, woman who talks to crabs, was announced as the Bachelorette. And then her season was immediately put on hold due to COVID-19. That makes sense, they’re swapping a lot of bodily fluids over there. But now that we have the virus under control (lol I am a mole person and everyone is still dying) they began filming in July in one isolated location. One isolated location I might add, that immediately got leaked. That means no going out in public on dates, no leaving the property at all, and STILL spoilers got out. I’m no genius, but I’m pretttyyyyy sure that means that someone on location had to be the one to spill the metaphorical beans, no?

You can find our full explanation of The Clare Catastrophe ™ here, but I’ll give it to you quick to prove my point. First, Reality Steve found out that Dale Moss got the first impression rose. HOW WOULD ANYONE WHO WAS NOT THERE KNOW THAT? The call was coming from inside the house! And then we had the Reddit post that outlined pretty much EXACTLY what happened with Clare, and how Tayshia was coming in to replace her. AND THEN we have this Instagram account that revealed EVEN MORE about why Becca and Hannah Ann have shown up

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EMERGENCY BACHELORETTE UPDATE: A THREAD!!!!!!!!!🚨 #bachelornation #thebachelorette (via /thatsuitcaseguy twitter) *disclaimer this is a rumor wdk if it’s verified but sharing bc i love harmless piping hot bach nation tea

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Sorry for all the caps, guys, I realize this looks like an email from my grandpa, but I am THAT jazzed up about it. Because at this point they just want people to speculate. They could have easily made sure that no one knew Hannah Ann was coming and locked down the location, but they didn’t. 

So, we have the fact that the information about Clare’s season leaked even though they were quarantined for filming. And sure, some of the information could have been from contestants that were called back, but that doesn’t account for the location being leaked, the first impression rose info, and the story that was posted on Reddit. And then we have the fact that the show is getting a TON of publicity from this. Did I care two weeks ago about a sad, lonely old lady looking for love? Sure, but that old lady was me. Now I’m pumped to see how this season all goes down, there have been non-stop stories on major media outlets about the season every single day, and people give a sh*t again. HUH what do you know? So why wouldn’t the people who benefit from this the most be the ones to put it into action? 

Every website is talking about the "Bachelorette," all former contestants are on social media discussing it, they're congratulating Tayshia, etc. This is productions wet dream. We're over a month away from premiere & look at how many people are giddy over what's going on.

— RealitySteve (@RealitySteve) August 5, 2020

And I’m sure this isn’t the last we’ll hear of this season. The leaks will just keep coming, they’ve opened up a can of worms. These spoilers are basically me with an episode of Schitt’s Creek. Once you watch one, you may as well stay up for 52 hours and watch the entire series! And though ABC will NEVER admit that they may have played a part in this or at the very least benefited from it, and I’m sure Chris Harrison will have a field day sh*tting on these spoilers during filming, you and I know the truth!

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Images: ABC/John Fleenor; Giphy (1); graceannparks, realitysteve/Twitter; lexniko/Instagram