Well, fam, I’m back to recapping this godforsaken show. Lol I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me. For those of you who dragged me for not recapping the last episode in the comments of my last Riverdale-related article, just know that I had better things to do that night. I hope that answer was as satisfying for you as it was for me. Anyway, if you, like me, had other shit going on THREE WEEKS AGO when The CW last tried to actually air an episode for once in their goddamn lives, here is what you missed: Cheryl got rescued from the conversion camp and made out with Toni in the process. Archie is a fucking idiot who thinks he has an actual career as one of Hiram’s thugs. I’m glad he dreams big. In an interesting twist of events, the Serpents hate Betty even though she gave up her virginity for their cause. Also, Alice and FP might have banged. I’m sure some other shit happened, but like I said, it’s been three fucking weeks since the last episode aired so forgive me if my memory is a little foggy. Shall we move on to this episode?
Oh god. Oh god NO. Is this whole fucking episode going to be polluted with musical numbers?? Lord, Jesus, fix it.
RIVERDALE WRITERS: You know what will get us a third season? A musical episode!
ME: But I’m a good fucking person!
All I have to say is if I’m expected to sit through an entire hour of jazz hands and poorly written lyrics on teen angst, then Alice and FP better have banged or I’m storming The CW headquarters. That’s all I’m saying.
So I’m two seconds into this episode and they’ve sung the word “crap” three times too many. Jesus, this is going to be a long fucking night.
Is it just me or does Archie sound like the kid from The Goofy Movie when he sings?
^^ A deleted scene from the Andrews’ house
LOL they cast Alice as an actual part in a high school musical. I love how the adults on this show don’t have those pesky little things called jobs that they have to go to every day to, like, support their kids and their crop top addictions.
Kevin, who is supposedly in charge of this abomination, casts Betty to play the good girl, Veronica to play the mean girl, and Cheryl to play batshit crazy Carrie. So, like, he went with a pretty literal interpretation of the characters in Carrie, huh?
Cheryl almost gets taken out by a sandbag during an unnecessary musical number, and all I can think is “did I move that sandbag with my mind??” It’s highly plausible, as right now I’m wishing bodily harm onto every single one of these people, including my beloved Cheryl, for making me sit through this shit.
Kevin finds a note from The Black Hood demanding he recast the role of Carrie with anyone but Cheryl. Who knew The Black Hood would be this invested in the politics of a high school musical production? Meanwhile, everyone is acting shook that The Black Hood could possibly be back. They forget the crime was solved by Betty and Archie so it had a 30/80 success rate to begin with.
Okay, are Alice and FP just not going to talk about how they totally banged?? The fact that FP is straight-up ignoring Alice after their little night together is the most realistic thing I’ve seen on this entire show. Also, FP, you can call me.
Veronica goes through an entire musical number about being a bitch whilst grinding on Chuck on stage left. How can this possibly be school sanctioned? HOW.
Okay, Archie is a fucking terrible son. Fred finally finds out that Hiram bought Archie a v expensive car in exchange for his loyalty? Banging his daughter? Throwing shitty comebacks at his enemies? Tbh it’s hard to say why he deserved that car, but Fred is PISSED.
FRED: I wanted to take you to the junkyard, pick out a car, and fix it up with you. Wouldn’t that have been beautiful?
Mrs. Blossom refuses to sign Cheryl’s permission form to be in the musical so she can no longer be Carrie and I can no longer have nice things. So they need a signed permission slip to join the school musical yet Archie can form a gang called THE RED CIRCLE and film a homoerotic video on school campus? K.
Toni runs after Cheryl to give her a pep talk about how she hasn’t gone soft and she’s still a murderous bitch. Respect.
CHERYL: I’m not the same girl anymore who burned down Thorne Hill and cut off my mom’s oxygen.
ME: YES YOU ARE BELIEVE IN YOURSELF
Meanwhile, during Alice’s solo because, yes, they gave the mother of a student her own fucking solo, she starts having a literal mental breakdown on stage. Think Britney right before she shaved her head. Alice keeps talking about how everyone always leaves her and she can’t even get a text back from FP. Meanwhile, Betty is looking like she’s about to call CPS on herself over the whole thing. It’s the best thing I’ve seen in my entire damn life.
KEVIN: Am I directing a train wreck?
I literally could not have said it better myself, Kev.
Archie admits he’s been fucking up a lot this year. I can already tell he’s going to use that “dark path” bit for his college essay next fall. Sooo original. He goes to confront Hiram about getting in the way of his relationship with his dad. He’s like “don’t try me because that’s a battle you’ll lose” and I’m like “lol remember yesterday when you told your dad you’d rather support MR. LODGE than YOUR OWN FATHER in the mayoral race?”
Ugh are Alice and Hal about to get back together? Why? Just because FP blows her off once? No, no, no, no, no, Alice. You call FP about 100 more times until he loses the will to live. We must persist, girlfriend.
CHIC ISN’T HAL’S KID. I don’t know why I put that in all caps because that fact has been pretty damn clear since day one. But also now I need to know who the father of the prom baby really is. Like, ASAP.
It’s opening night and they’re all singing “this will be a night you’ll never forget” which I 1,000 percent agree with because I certainly will never forget how The CW has tortured me for the past 42 minutes with this American Idol-esq farce they call a musical episode.
We cut to Cheryl, who looks like she is ready to set the entire world aflame. *turns up volume* GIRL, YOU CAN GET IT. Omfg. Homegirl just confronted her mother IN PIG’S BLOOD and threatened to burn down another house. I’m definitely keeping this strategy in mind for the next time my mom bitches about
helping me pa y paying for my gym membership.
CHERYL: *does something batshit and diabolical*
Jughead, who up until this point in the episode has been standing there like a dipshit with his camera, figures out that Ethel might be the person behind The Black Hood letters. That’s right, I said “might be” as in he’s actually discovered nothing. Seriously, Jughead, what is your purpose during this episode?
Chic shows up and is just as creepy and terrifying as I remembered him. Why do I feel like this night is going to end with another
murder moment of morbid family bonding for the Cooper family?
The episode ends with the play finally fucking starting. It’s like The CW wants to drag this shit out for as long as possible, and also for me to get drunk. Because that’s the only way I’ll be able to sit through another goddamn musical episode.
Wait. OMFG. Is Midge aka the new Carrie knifed to the fucking stage??
Well, that is not how I saw this production ending, but it certainly was a dramatic as it was advertised. I admire Kevin’s dedication to his craft. Brava!
Images: Giphy (4); @madelame /Instagram (1); The CW (3)