New Astrological Year, New You: Weekend Horoscopes March 22-24

It’s Aries season, and you know what that means! (Or maybe you don’t—don’t worry, I’ll tell you.) Aries is the first sign in the zodiac, meaning we’re basically in the midst of an astrological new year (aka a great excuse to pop the champagne). Aries season is the perfect time to get your sh*t together with the help of all that fiery Aries energy. Clean your room! Send a risky email! Finally sign up for ClassPass! You know what they say: astrological new year, astrological new you! Here are your horoscopes for this weekend:


Well, well, well, aren’t you 100% that bitch? It’s your f*cking season, which means it is your goddamn time to shine. Between this, your birthday, and the full supermoon in Libra, the stars are aligned for you to live your best life. Take advantage of it by doing at least one thing this weekend that you’ve always wanted to try. And yes, seeing if you can finish a pitcher of sangria all by yourself does count.


You’re a master motivator right now, Taurus, so why not use your powers for good? Set up a hang with that one friend who is always f*cking up (you know exactly who I’m talking about) and give them the pep talk they need. Will they listen to you? Probs not. Will you get the satisfaction of feeling like a betchy Tony Robbins? 100%.


Time to take off those rosé-colored glasses and really take a good look at your life. You’ll probably find a few places that could use improvement (to put it mildly). The brutal honesty you’re feeling right now might make you want to start sh*t with people you should have started sh*t with a while ago. That’s fine. Just don’t be surprised if you come out of the weekend with a few less Insta followers.


You’re feeling drawn to all things mysterious right now, Cancer, so don’t be surprised if you find yourself inexplicably attracted to the shadiest motherf*cker at the bar. Just make sure to check in with your squad to make sure they’re just run-of-the-mill shady and not like, serial killer shady. Also, sharing your location with a pal before going home with someone is always a good idea.


Slow your f*cking roll, Leo. I know you want to be the world’s best friend, the world’s best CEO, and make it to the gym every day for both cardio and strength circuits, but that’s not gonna happen. You’re letting yourself get pulled in a million directions, and the only way that ends is with you paralyzed in front of the couch watching The Office re-runs because you can’t even look at your to-do list. Pick one thing and work on that. All the other sh*t can wait.


Look, your romantic game has been slightly off lately, but this is the weekend to recalibrate. Take a good look at how you approach potential love interests. Is your opening line on dating apps cool or corny? Is your go-to first date location chill, or a little too intense? The secret to romantic success might come from answering some of these important questions.


It’s time to take your internet friendships into the real world, Libra. Whether it be that person you’re always messaging on the apps but never actually meeting up with, or that girl you’re only friends with on Instagram, it’s time to get some *actual* face time. And no, FaceTiming them doesn’t count. Set up an IRL meet up with one of your digital acquaintances and see if you have what it takes to be real friends and not just like, Facebook friends. If not, you can go back to liking each other’s posts and pretend it never happened.


You’re evolving fast rn, Scorpio, and it might be giving you whiplash. This kind of emotional growth spurt can definitely be a bit overwhelming, so take some time this weekend for some good old-fashioned self-care. I’m talking face masks. I’m talking personal wine bottles. I’m talking rewatching all of SATC and reevaluating which character you identify with the most. Are you still a Samantha? Or have you entered the Charlotte phase of your life? Maybe you’re the rare Carrie/Miranda hybrid. Anything can happen.


You’re in desperate need of some chic surroundings this weekend, so be sure to plan something that will put you in aesthetic bliss. Like a Sim who just entered a well-decorated room, you’re in need of a little beauty boost. Pick one of your favorite Instagrammable locations and bask in the natural lighting. You deserve it.


Just like a f*ckboi who is about to catch feelings, you’ve suddenly realized you need some space right now. This weekend is all about finally giving yourself a little room to breathe. Do yourself a favor and cancel any and all plans, and replace them with a personal day. It’ll be better than whatever group activity you had planned, I promise.


DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA—that’s what in store for you this weekend, Aquarius. Sorry, but it’s true. Some sh*t you thought was resolved is due to pop back into your life in unexpected and irritating ways. The best thing that you can do is drop the defensiveness and just listen. Also, getting one of those meditation apps can’t hurt.


Your season is officially over, leaving you a little bit hungover from all that heightened Pisces energy you’ve been feeling. This is a good weekend for checking in on how a very emotional Pisces season affected your life. Are there any instances where you got a little too intense on someone? (The answer is yes.) This is a good weekend to make amends.

Images: Giphy (4)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.