Stanley Hudson is arguably the betchiest character on The Office right behind Kelly Kapoor. He has perfected the eye roll, has no filter, and excels at not giving a shit. He sucks at sports which is like, same, and he would always rather be drinking on a beach somewhere than selling paper. Let’s honor this amazing man by revisiting 17 of his betchiest quotes, because now that Barack is no longer president, what will save him from a heart attack?
17. “Yes, I have a dream, and it’s not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there’s a button that I can press, and launch that lighthouse into space.”
Only a true betch appreciates some good alone time considering how much we hate people. I’ll admit the whole lighthouse thing is kind of lame, but I understand why Stanley might want to be on Nantucket after he’s been living in landlocked Scranton for so long. Plus in ten years the Moon will become the new Iceland so Stanley is already ahead of the space travel game.
16. “I’ve got a golden-ticket idea. Why don’t you skip on up to the roof and jump off?”
Damn Stanley, back at it again with the zingers.
15. “I know Santa ain’t black. I could care less.”
Stanley doesn’t care about the color of Santa’s skin. Stanley only cares about what presents he’s getting and the food and alcohol selection at the various holiday parties he will be forced to attend.
14. “It’s like I used to tell my wife. I do not apologize unless I think I’m wrong, and if you don’t like it, you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I’ll say it to my next one, too.”
That may sound way harsh, Tai, but a betch never apologizes for telling it like it is. She may, however, half-ass apologize when she probably did something a little fucked up. Stanley cheated on his wife with his nurse which is pretty fucked up. Did he apologize? No clue, he’s too much of a betch to let the camera catch him doing that. But his wife probably stayed with him because Stanley pulled the “my heart went berserk” card. Any true betch would milk that shit for all it’s worth.
13. “I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They’re always complaining. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I’m constantly hungry. Do you think my nipples don’t get sore too? Do you think I don’t need to know the fastest way to the hospital?”
Stanley is me complaining about all my friends on FB getting engaged. I can show off an item of my jewelry, too! I enjoy parties that are all about me, too! Do you think I don’t need recommendations for the best caterers in the area?
12. “I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on.”
Stanley has a beautiful way with words in that he has an unparalleled ability to make someone he hates sound even worse than they actually are. Is Michael Scott more stupid than a broom? IDK, to be fair he did come up with the idea for Mike’s Cereal Shack, which is actually a real thing now (Kelloggs Cafe in NYC), but I’ll let Stanley be the judge.
11. “I wasn’t really planning on leaving. All I wanted was a raise. How on Earth did Michael call my bluff? Is he some sort of secret genius? (laughs) Sometimes I say crazy things.”
First and foremost, Stanley handles getting a raise like an absolute betch. There is an entire episode dedicated to the chaos and destruction he causes just because he might be taking a job at Utica. If your coworker cuts his penis on a soda can in an effort to keep you around, you know you’re doing something right.
10. “Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos.”
It’s very betchy of Stanley to have a motto, especially one of this caliber. And “sexy corpse” is such a fucked up thing to say that it’s actually amazing. Would love to hear his other mottos—get this man a book deal.
9. “This is pretzel day.”
No explanation necessary.
8. “I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today.”
Nobody comes between a betch and her desserts—not even diabetes. Usually betches don’t plan ahead, but for cake we’ll always make an exception.
7. “You are not my damn boss and you never will be!”
Me whenever my mom tries to tell me I cannot leave the house dressed like that.
6. “I have been trying to get on jury duty every year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit it in an air conditioned room, downtown, judging people, while my lunch is paid for … that is the life.”
Kudos to Stanley for changing our entire perspective on jury duty.
5. “Newsflash: You are not special.”
Me to everyone who isn’t me.
4. “Florida Stanley smiles, Florida Stanley is happy to go to work, Florida Stanley is who you want on your Florida team.”
While we can’t exactly relate to that thing he called “smiling” or being happy to go to work, we can all agree that—except for when it comes to presidential elections—we’d all rather be in Florida than at work.
3. “Why don’t you mind your business.”
This one is pretty self-explanatory. Betches may love judging others from afar, but when other people try to stick their noses where it doesn’t belong, we shut that shit down real quick. I don’t care if you’re my boss, my doctor, or my boyfriend—mind your own damn business.
2. “Did I Stutter”
Without a doubt Stanley’s most iconic line. Stanley is all of us in our own Michael meetings at work, but not even we have reached this level of betchiness to actually tell our boss to back off. Who wants to do actual work? Not us, not Stanley. Stanley Hudson gives zero fucks, and if he is as betchy as we think he is, “Did I Stutter” will be engraved on his tombstone. We all know he already has his funeral luncheon planned out, and it’s catered by a man with a pretzel cart.
1. “Do not care.”
“Did I Stutter” is a Stanley Hudson classic; HOWEVER, if any of his quotes cemented Stanley’s status at a betch, it’s “Do not care.” It’s short, it’s sweet, it’s to the point. Stanley does not care. I do not care. Do not bother him (or me) with your trifling issues like deadlines and apologies and things that are not Pretzel Day.