Everything Robert Mueller's Witch Hunt Has Found This Year

We’re officially one year deep into the Mueller investigation or, depending on whose Twitter account you’re refreshing these days, the Mueller “witch hunt.” While the majority of Americans  (52%) see Mueller’s investigation into shady dealings between the Trump campaign and Russia is legit, only 30% of Republicans think the special counsel investigation should continue. So to help our dedicated readers decide where they land on the “witch hunt” vs “legitimate investigation” debate we’ve decided to round up everything Robert Mueller has found so far. You know, because witch hunts typically lead to tons and tons of evidence.

Hella Indictments

Bobby and his coven have secured indictments from 13 Russian nationals, 3 Russian companies, and one Paul Manafort since he was appointed special prosecutor on May 17th, 2017.

While the Russian indictments are more for show (spoiler alert: they’re not coming back to the U.S. to be prosecuted), Manafort remains in what we in the biz call “a lot of fucking trouble.” The former Trump campaign chairman has pleaded not guilty to 5 charges of conspiracy, money laundering, and failure to disclose assets in D.C.. But that’s nothing compared to the 18 charges dealing with tax, financial, and bank fraud he now faces in Virginia. Is Manafort a good witch, or a bad witch? Only time will tell. 

5 Guilty Pleas

And here are your (all male) guilty pleas…

George Papadopolous: George Papadopolous, or “Poppy” as I like to call him, is a former Trump foreign policy adviser who pleaded guilty on October 5, 2017 to charges of making false statements to the FBI. Paps is accused of meeting with the Russians in an attempt to get “dirt” on Hillary Clinton, and made at least six requests for Trump or his campaign staff to meet with Russians and Russian politicians between March and September of 2016. He’s also accused of getting drunk and telling an Australian diplomat Moscow’s whole plan to release HRC’s emails, which makes him both stupid and relatable.

Michael Flynn: Mike Flynn, the OG shady Trump bro, pleaded guilty to charges of providing false statements to the FBI in December of 2017. You might remember him from being the first of approximately one million people who have resigned from the Trump admin, after it came out that he “misled Mike Pence” about communications he had with Russian ambassador and world’s-most-forgettable-man Sergei Kislayak. Flynn is now cooperating with Mueller’s investigation, and faces allegations of accepting money from foreign nationals without approval and enchanting an old Ford Angelina to fly without a license.

Richard Pienado: Richard Pienado is the biggest rando on the list, but don’t sleep on his crimes. Richy pleaded guilty to an identity theft charge in connection with the indictments of 13 Russian nationals and companies. Pienado ran an online service called “Auction Essistance” (Literally, it’s spelled “essistance”) which he used to buy and sell account numbers some of which were sold to — you guessed it — Russian troll farms using American identities to interfere in the election. TBH you’d think a witch would be better at covering up their crimes…

Rick Gates: Mr. Gates is a political consultant, lobbyist, and BFF to Paul Manafort who pleaded guilty to charges of making false statements to the FBI (classic) and conspiracy. Gates took a plea deal with Mueller, and is now juggling cooperating with the special counsel’s investigation and studying for his O.W.Ls.

Alex van der Zwaan: Despite what his name might suggest, Alex van der Zwaan is not a character on Gossip Girl. He is, in fact, a London lawyer who pleaded guilty to making false statements to the FBI about his contacts with Rick Gates and an “unnamed person” based in the Ukraine. He was the first person sentenced in the Mueller probe, where he served 30 days in prison. Better than being burned at the stake, I guess.

So to recap: Two top officials admitted to lying to the FBI about their contacts with the Russians, one person actually served jail time, and five people are cooperating with Mueller’s team. Just like the Sanderson sisters. 

Soooo Many Interviews

Mueller honestly should be the next Katie Couric considering how much time he’s spent interviewing people. The Mueller team has interviewed Sean Spicer, Reince Priebus, Jared Kushner, James Comey, Stephen Miller, Sally Yates, Mike Pompeo, Don McGhan, Hope Hicks, Jeff Sessions, Hagrid, Goody Proctor, and Elphaba and all in connection to the Russia probe.

So who’s left to be interviewed? Don Jr., Ivanka, and the Headmaster of Hogwarts himself, Donald J. Trump.

1 Grand Jury

If AHS season 3 taught us anything, it’s that catching witches requires multiple witch hunters. That’s why on August 3, 2017, Mueller empaneled a grand jury in D.C. with the power to subpoena documents, require witness testimony, and issue indictments. There is also a separate grand jury investigating Michael Flynn because, like I said, catching witches takes a lot of manpower.

4 Subpoenas

The aforementioned grand jury has issued 4 subpoenas for matters related to the infamous June 9th meeting at Trump Tower which Don Jr. so graciously leaked all the receipts about.

So far, Mueller and the grand jury have secured testimonies under oath from a Rinah Akhmetshin (A Russian-born lobbyist and former Soviet Army officer), Jason Maloni (a former spokesman for Paul Manafort), Carter Page (former Trump campaign ad and douchebag stereotype), Sam Clovis (current senior White House official and former TV personality because that’s the world we live in), and George Nader (Lebanese-American businessman with ties to Crown Prince Mohammed bin Zayed Al Nahyan of the UAE).

The New York Times also reported that they subpoenaed none other than living horcrux Steve Bannon, but that he struck a deal to be interviewed by prosecutors rather than testifying before the grand jury. His horrific presence is probably the witchiest thing about this whole investigation considering someone must have summoned him from the grave to testify.

UPDATE: Literally minutes after we first published this article news broke that Mueller’s team issued two subpoenas to Jason Sullivan a “social media expert” (same) hired by Trump adviser/Dark Lord Roger Stone. Spooky.

And A Partridge In A Pear Tree

If the partridge is Donald Trump, and the pear tree is an ever-expanding web of financial and international crimes.

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Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.