As a self-described scaredy-cat, I am willing to put myself in danger of a heart attack to watch Megan Fox play a high school succubus who kills dumb boys. Yes, I’m describing the 2009 occult classic Jennifer’s Body.
I had a hard-on for Fox alongside every other 12-year-old boy when she starred in Transformers (2007) sporting a tiny denim skirt, big gold hoops, and her resting “Fuck You” face. But unlike my Axe-wearing, acne-scarred peers, I kept my celeb crush close to my chest. As a closeted baby queer, I would’ve sooner admitted to peeing the bed. (Kinky!) Still, Jennifer’s Body was my true sexual awakening because it was the first time I saw two girls kiss on screen.
If you haven’t watched the horror comedy, you’re probably straight. But here’s the TL;DR recap: Jennifer Check is the head cheerleader in a small town who is turned into a vampire/cannibal when some stupid boy band sacrifices her in a Satanic ritual in exchange for fame and fortune. But the recipe called for a virgin, and Jennifer wasn’t even a “back-door virgin,” so it really fucked everything up. The botched ritual transforms her into a Girl Demon™ who craves human flesh to maintain her health and beauty.
A classic femme fatale, she’s a maneater (in a very literal sense) who manipulates her prey with the art of seduction. Now picture me watching this for the first time as a literal 14-year-old, ogling over a woman who could strike fear into the heart of men who benefit from the patriarchy daily. (Clearly, I was very intense during my Tumblr phase.) What can I say? Watching Jennifer eat men made me want to eat women. (I’m sorry.)
Men-hating feminism aside, what really drew me to Jennifer — besides her demonic smile and undead sparkly eyes — is her confidence. She knows she’s hot! (I mean, she refers to herself as “scrumptious” unironically.) In case it wasn’t glaringly obvious, the movie is called Jennifer’s… BODY. It’s pretty clear where our focus should be. And when she gets blood all over her cute little outfits, she still manages to pull it off.
Besides Jennifer making it glaringly obvious that I’m queer AF, she also made me realize I’m such a sub. I’ve always melted for a mean girl but I’m especially a sucker for girls who look like they could kill me but are actually a cinnamon roll. Which is why I was enchanted by the soft-side Jennifer shows to her best friend, Needy. The dynamic wrongly makes me believe, “I can fix her.” (Don’t tell my therapist.)
After Jennifer wakes up in the forest as the prettiest undead creature, she shuffles her bloody corpse straight to Needy’s house. (This is the love that I’m after!!!) When she arrives, she beelines to the fridge where Needy finds her annihilating a whole-ass chicken like she’s recovering from a three day bender (we love a relatable queen). And like most hangovers, it leads to her puking an insane amount. But honestly, Jennifer, you can throw up black goo on me anyday, babe! (Though I do prefer forehead kisses.)
To be honest, the Sleepover Scene is my Roman Empire. It permanently altered my brain chemistry and introduced me to the concept of gay panic. Sure, Jennifer is a raging betch who ate half the football team, but if my best friend Megan Fox says, “We can play boyfriend-girlfriend like we used to,” my soul would leave my body.
Thankfully, her undying love for Needy does not go unrequited. After Jennifer is killed, (it’s been 14 years, don’t come after me for spoilers!) Needy hunts down each member of the band to tear their hearts out. Put simply, there’s nothing hotter than revenge (thank you, Taylor Swift). We love, love! (insert rainbow emoji)
At the risk of sounding too earnest, Jennifer’s Body is a culmination of my fears, desires, and quite simply, my horniness. Maybe it’s because I kept my sexuality a secret for so long, but I was drawn to how overtly sexual she is. Even when she lights her tongue on fire it’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen (no pun intended).
Watching that movie was when I knew — to quote Jennifer — “I go both ways.” Thankfully, Megan Fox is not a far stretch from her character. She literally drank the blood of her fiancé. So, I have plenty of gay pining in my future.