Are you and your spouse suffering from pesky irreconcilable differences? Did you get engaged to a man only to find out he exclusively eats off paper plates? Is your spouse walking all over your peace of mind in the shoes you gave them as a present?
If any of the above sounds like you, you might be starting your search for a divorce attorney. But before you do, consider partnering with Taylor Swift.
At Swift & Associates, we offer a comprehensive suite of holistic divorce support services, ensuring that you get the house, get the kids, and get the pride.
Strategic Photo Ops: We’ll arrange sightings of you and your spouse’s ex at high-profile venues in your city, rattling your spouse as part of our 360 mental warfare tactics.
In-House Deposition Prep: Our founding partner, Taylor Swift, will meet with you for one-on-one training to prepare you for your deposition. She’s an expert at artfully dodging questions like, “do you have a boyfriend?” and “who do you like?”
Plus, as an added bonus, she’ll provide you with Sorkin-level snide comments that you can later repurpose as viral feminist TikTok sounds.
Temporary Housing: We understand the mental toll that divorce proceedings take, which is why we’ll curate a peaceful sanctuary for you to live in so you can sufficiently recharge. Replete with a chef’s kitchen (and live-in chef), sauna, and cryotherapy room, you’ll come back smarter and harder in the nick of time.
Breakup Playlist Curation: As you process your complex feelings, our offices will curate playlists for each phase of the proceedings, fully customized to your unique situation.
Relationship Management & Networking: To support your re-socialization following the devastating dissolution of your marriage, we’ll connect you with a network of A-list hotties to embrace you in their social circle. Activities can include, but are not limited to, box seats at NFL games, trips to Cabo, Eyes Wide Shut sex parties.
Still not convinced? Check out this bejeweled testimonial:
“Swift & Associates completely changed the course of my divorce for the better. Taylor had an incredibly hands-on approach to my case, and even lent me her cat Olivia for emotional support. I couldn’t be happier with my new life, trading my short king for this pop queen.”
— Sophie T.
If you are in need of our services, the time to act is now! Hollywood divorces are at an all-time high, and Taylor won’t be available for long.
Sign up today for a free consultation, where we’ll feed you lasagna, outline how to mastermind your way out of a prenup, and advise you on what color Benz goes best with your skin tone.
