It's About To Get Worse: Weekly Horoscopes April 6-10

No other way to put this, fam: this week’s astrology is rough. Combine that with literally every other thing that’s going on right now and we’re in for what my mother would call “a week.” This week, aggressive-aggressive Mars clashes with passive-aggressive Pluto, meaning all of us are even more on edge than usual. At least you know now so you’re not confused when your quarantine buddy loses their sh*t on you for breathing too loudly in the common areas.


Are you at Six Flags, Aries? Because you’re on a roller coaster this week. Also you just ate a whole turkey leg for fun. Quarantine is taking you for a ride this week, and you’ll need to buckle up for a sudden drop in your finances (thanks corona). Don’t worry. Just like Riddler’s Revenge, this will all be over eventually (but the pictures will last a lifetime).


Your home office is making you feel more and more like a boss every day, and you’re ready to take charge at work. Considering you’re the only person who remembers to mute themselves during zoom meetings, shouldn’t you be the one leading them? Lean into any opportunities you have to take on a leadership role at work this week and it could grow into greater opportunities once we’re all allowed to be in the same office again.


This might be the week you explode, Gemini. A petty argument is coming your way and it will be your job to stay above the fray and not get sucked into other people’s drama. Remember, everyone loves the housewife who just sits back and gets drunk while the others fight during the reunion.


Under normal circumstances this would be a week where you have plans with a different friend every night and barely ever come home. But these are not normal circumstances, so you’re going to need to find ways to simulate hitting up the club while also abiding by the CDC’s social distancing guidelines. Set up a Zoom happy hour now and spend the rest of the week looking forward to some semblance of human contact.


Leos will have hard work staying grounded as quarantine (and early 420 celebration) has you feeling like your head is in the clouds. Unfortunately the world isn’t as canceled as it seems, and you still have to be able to perform basic tasks, so why not download a couple mindfulness exercises now for the next time you look at your clock and realize you’ve been staring at the wall for forty minutes.


Quarantine is blurring the lines between work and play for everyone right now, but Virgos especially need to set more boundaries with their free time. Considering your office is your home, and you’re not allowed to leave your home, it can seem like work never ends, but do yourself a favor and turn off Slack notifications at 6pm on the dot. Your boss didn’t need to get in touch with you at 11pm before quarantine, so they probably don’t need to do it now.


This might be the week you make your quarantine baby, Libra. Your house of seduction is all lit up, meaning you’ll be finding plenty of ways to stay busy with your quarantine boo. For those who are sheltering in place solo and not willing to f*ck their roommates, you’re going to have to resort to humanity’s most ancient art form: nudes.


You’re on an even shorter fuse than usual this week, Scorpio, and you might find yourself lashing out at people for the smallest things. Unfortunately, quarantine is not the time to pop off on your dad for how loudly he watches TV, so please abide by the golden rule. If you don’t have anything nice to say, go live on Instagram.


Your usually whip-smart intuition is off this week, and it could lead you to make some rash decisions. Before you go stir crazy and accept a dare to lick a subway pole, enlist the help of one of your sane friends (probably the one who f*cked off to her parents’ lake house weeks ago) in any and all decision making going forward. It’s for the best.


Yes, Tax Day was delayed, but that doesn’t mean now isn’t the perfect time to do a deep dive on your finances, Capricorn. There’s no better time than the present to dig into the books and figure out how the f*ck you’re gonna make it through these crazy times without hitting a negative balance on your checking account. And yes, that does mean honestly assessing your late night Korean skincare purchase budget.


Quarantining with family? Thoughts and prayers. Your familial relations will be getting on your last f*cking nerve this week, and it could lead to the type of explosive fight you only see at Thanksgiving. Don’t let pettiness get the best of you or else old wounds could be opened that will be very hard to close. It’s time to let the great “Who Stole My Pink Abercrombie Polo?” of 2003 die for good.


The creativity is flowing, even in quarantine, so how will you express it? No better time than the present to take up embroidery, start painting, or just bust open one of the millions of adult coloring books you’ve gotten as secret Santa gifts over the years. Not only will it relieve stress, but it’s something to do with your hands that isn’t scrolling on your phone for ten hours a day.

Images: Zac Ong/Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.