There’s something about weddings that just brings out the crazy in people. Given enough decisions, questions, opinions, and Google spreadsheets, even a fairly reasonable person is liable to transform into a total psycho. We hear the most stories about brides gone bananas, but there is another, arguably more sinister culprit that’s less talked about: the inconsiderate wedding guest. No more. Below are some of the more annoying questions a bride may receive from her guests, and how to respond without threatening bodily harm calmly.
1. Can You Request An Early Check-In For Us?
What You Want To Say: Sure, Aunt Helen. I’d love nothing more than to call the hotel on your behalf to do what you could easily do yourself, especially since I’m not at all busy wrangling RSVPs, trying to put together a seating chart, and explaining to my florist that I don’t know a gardenia from a hydrangea. While we’re at it, do you want me to put in your room service order too? Coddled eggs, I assume?
What You Should Say: Sure, Aunt Helen. I’ll see what the hotel can do.
2. Do You Know A Good Hairstylist Or Makeup Artist In The Area?
What You Want To Say: Despite the internal cries of pain this question is inducing, I am not, in fact, a living, breathing Yelp1 come to life. It just so happens that the good hairstylist and makeup artist I know happen to be busy that day attending to me because, you know, it’s my WEDDING. Google it like you do every other inane question you have, Martha.
What You Should Say: I’m sorry, I don’t. Here are a few I found doing a quick Google search that have good reviews.
3. Can You Tell Me What Time The Ceremony Starts/Where You’re Registered/The Venue Address/Other Previously Given Information?
What You Want To Say: It’s funny you should ask, Uncle Bob. You know that silly little set of cards I sent you a few weeks back asking you to RSVP to my wedding? It contains ALL of the details you are bothering me about now. What’s more, I even spent several hours designing a website with an address I also gave you precisely so I could avoid this very scenario!
What You Should Say: Here is [a picture of the invitation/the wedding website address]. It has all of the info you need!
4. Can I Bring A Plus-One?
What You Want To Say: Uh, did you misread the invitation, Cousin Laura? I thought the omission of “& Guest” was pretty clear, but let me spell it out for you. I’ve seen you three times in the past 10 years—you’re lucky I invited you at all. Plus, I’m already wildly over-budget and would prefer not to spend another $100+ on a plate for the rando you met four months ago at a festival that you “just totally connect with.”
What You Should Say: Unfortunately, the venue is really tight on seating, so we could only give plus-ones to people who [insert arbitrary rule that excludes Cousin Laura here].
5. Is It Possible For The Kitchen To Prepare My Meal Without [Non-Allergen]?
What You Want To Say: It’s cute that you’re not eating carbs this month, Kevin, but I’m already working overtime with the caterer to accommodate vegetarians, people with gluten allergies, and guests who keep kosher, not to mention a friend who will literally drop dead if her dish contains tree nuts. Your fad diet does not qualify as an allergy!
What You Should Say: I’ll check with the caterer and let you know.
6. Could You Make Sure I’m Sitting With _________?
What You Want To Say: I know it’s been hard to tell, what with the invitations, wedding website with our photo, countless events and other fanfare surrounding me and my fiancé, but this wedding is not about you. Putting together a harmonious seating chart is about as simple as solving The Collatz Conjecture. I’m dealing with relatives who want to murder each other; you getting to sit next to your fave bro is NOT a priority.
What You Should Say: We’ll do our best, but we can’t make any promises. Seating charts are tricky!
7. Can You Change The Wedding Date To Accommodate My [Pregnancy/Job/Other Reason]?
What You Want To Say: No. Are you f*cking kidding me?
What You Should Say: No. Are you [f*cking] kidding me?
It’s inevitable that a guest is going to annoy you throughout the wedding process and probably even on the day itself. The key is to remain calm, know that you can’t please everyone, and do it your way, even if it means forever alienating Aunt Beth temporarily displeasing a guest. What other annoying wedding guest questions have you received and how did you respond? Let me know in the comments!
Images: Alasdair Elmes / Unsplash; Giphy (7)