I’ve only been alive for 27 years, but having grown up with the internet and spent a good portion of my week on Reddit, I truly thought I had seen it all. And I probably had, until I came across Amanda Knox’s wedding website, thanks to an article in The Cut. Knox was famously convicted, and then later acquitted, of murdering her study abroad roommate, Meredith Kercher. She got engaged to her fiancé, Christoper Robinson, in November of 2018 after three years of dating. Knox and Robinson met when she had reviewed his novel for a local magazine, and the rest, as they say, is history. Or, more accurately, the rest is science fiction. You’ll see what I mean in a minute. Now, Amanda Knox’s wedding website is live, and let me just say: it. is. weird.
To back up, it’s not exactly news that Amanda Knox is kind of a weirdo. I remember them bringing that point up in her Netflix documentary, in part to explain why her behavior was seen as so strange following her roommate’s murder. But even outside of that, her proposal was not your typical standing-in-front-of-the-Eiffel-tower proposal. (Nor was it your multi-city-scavenger-hunt-on-Instagram-story proposal.) Rather, it was sci-fi themed, with Robinson staging a meteorite crash in their backyard, complete with a glowing fake meteorite, and saying to her, “I don’t have a ring, but I do have a big rock. Will you stay with me until the last star in the last galaxy burns out and even after that? Amanda Marie Knox, will you marry me?” As a person who went all-out for theme parties in college, I can appreciate dedication to a concept.
So, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that Amanda Knox’s wedding website doesn’t read like your average wedding website. And it’s not that surprising that their wedding will be sci-fi themed. And yet. I was truly unprepared for the mumbo-jumbo that would be this wedding website.
Now, first of all, instead of calling their wedding a wedding, they are calling it “The Knox Robinson Coalescence”. Oookay. It begins, “No other pre-singularity union produced as much cerebral-empathic heat, or blazed as brightly through the early 21st century datasphere, as the joining of Amanda Marie Knox and Christopher Gerald Robinson.” I will take their word on that. It continues, “That may be because of the threat of existential annihilation that led to their union. Scholars disagree on this point. What is certain is that on 45629.81z8.q14 Galactic Time (or November 11th, 2018, Old Earth Solar), Knox and Robinson were shocked into a matrimonial fervor by the future fact of their union.” That part definitely confused me, because anytime I see decimals my brain wants to glaze over it, but I got the point. They are saying, in a scientific-sounding way, that they got engaged on November 11, 2018. Cute.
Now here’s where this just turns into a Star Trek episode: “From that point forward, or backward (or more precisely sideward and fluxward), events began happening out of sequence. In the far ‘future,’ Knox and Robinson violated Galactic Library protocols with a recursive query. That is, they looked themselves up. This threw them into a superposition of states: one in which they were madly in love and another in which they had never met. Their timestreams were unwoven, their union cleaved, and their friends and family were scattered throughout time and space.”
Look, I know this is totally made up, but I would like someone to explain to me how looking yourself up would thrust you into a bunch of different dimensions and scatter your friends and family throughout time and space. I’m just confused of the significance of this. In any case, the rest of the wedding website paints their wedding as this grand celestial event where all family members and friends from all corners of the globe will reunite to… watch Amanda and Christopher get married and save the fate of humanity or something.
The crazy thing about this website is that its instructions are all written in the past tense (“Relative Spacetime Volunteers responded by January 1st, 2020, but were much appreciated for responding SOONER!”), despite taking place very clearly in the future. It’s a clever idea, but I feel like they are probably going to have to field some calls from Grandma Shirley and Great Uncle Milton who are confused about when they need to RSVP by.
The other fun part is that, in lieu of gifts, guests are asked to donate to the wedding, by helping out with costs like the band or alcohol. This is mostly because Amanda was invited by the Italy Innocence Project to speak at their wrongful convictions event at around the same time they were planning their wedding. Kind of rude that, given everything the Italian justice system put Amanda through, they couldn’t at least hook her up with a flight and some accommodations. Geez, talk about adding insult to injury. Also, mad respect to Amanda for going back there—I’ve vowed to never return to countries for way less (“I just didn’t have that much fun”).
Their wedding registry is basically set up like a GoFundMe, with different contribution levels awarding guests various perks. Donate $500, and you’ll be considered a “Stellar Patron” and will get a shout-out on the dance floor when Madonna’s “Lucky Star” comes on. Donate $1,000 and you’ll rise to the rank of “Galactic Patron”, and you’ll get a shout-out when “Intergalactic” by Beastie Boys gets played. And if anyone donates $2,000, $5,000, or $10,000 (which, to be clear, they outright state they do not expect anyone to do), they will receive “a special video from the future, reading [them] an excerpt from the Encyclopedia Galactica”. All donation levels will also receive a copy of The Cardio Tesseract, a book of love poems Amanda and Chris wrote. And the last time I went to a wedding, I just got a mason jar full of potpourri. Smh.
It’s not clear how much Amanda and Chris need to pull off their wedding, but given that the registry is now public knowledge (you’re welcome), I feel like they’ll be able to do it. Honestly, if I could donate and get an invitation, I probably would. Amanda and Christopher are clearly very dedicated to their theme, and I feel like they’ll pull out all the stops for the wedding. If they can gather the funds, that is.