A Ranking Of The Hottest DILFs From My Toddler’s TV Shows
We all know a DILF is a dad I’d like to fuck. Since becoming a parent myself, my criteria have changed *a lot* from “Are you hot?” With maturity, I’ve learned that looks are actually one of the least important factors of being a bangable dad. I once thought Jude Law was the ultimate DILF, and I will have to live with that.
Don’t get me wrong, we all want a good view during the hot dad walk out of the hospital as we’re hobbling behind in a diaper two days after giving birth. But do you know what’s really DILF-like? A person who takes a chunk of the mental load, can make you laugh even if you’ve been up every two hours for the past three weeks and knows. the. freaking. bedtime. routine.
Honestly, many of the dads in the shows my toddler watches have it going on. Like, I’m actually impressed with the caliber of male characters, considering I spend most of my days wondering where men get the audacity. Since I’m in my thirties and not two, I have to think about other things to stay entertained while I watch the same episode of Bluey for the umpteenth time. Am I embarrassed to admit I’ve daydreamed about whether or not I would marry a cartoon dog? I was until I discovered an almost uncomfortable amount of people thirsting over Bandit Heeler on TikTok.
Thinking back to my own childhood, I don’t remember many TV dads around (or my own, but that’s a trauma dump for another time). Stu Pickles was regularly on Rugrats, but I think because he was unemployed, er, I mean a “freelance inventor.” Duke McPherson from Dexter’s Lab and Phil Funnie from Doug were unmemorable at best — I almost guarantee you didn’t actually know their names. Pretty much Danny Tanner from Full House and Boy Meets World’s Alan Matthews had to carry the brunt of television parenting, and they were boring AF.
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Below, I’m rating the dads in my toddler’s shows based on DILF qualities because … why not? Also, this has nothing to do with daily screentime, so if you have any “advice,” please go kick rocks.
Josh from Blue’s Clues
Josh is the type of dog dad who will try to compare that time his dog had an ear infection to your colicky newborn. Please skidoo your way out and leave the door open for Steve. 1/10
Daddy from Peppa Pig
This guy literally can’t walk in the backyard without falling in the pool or do a simple home project without ripping the wall off. He’s not particularly helpful or insightful, but he did surprise his wife with theater tickets in one episode. 2/10
Dad from Cocomelon
This doofus doesn’t know his “Baby Shark” from his “5 Little Ducks,” and his dead eyes suggest he works in finance. His only redeeming quality is that he’s actively involved and doing all the motions in the song. 3/10
Marcus McStuffins from Doc McStuffins
His jokes are trash and the writing on this show makes my ears bleed. BUT Marcus is a supportive stay-at-home dad, and he spends most of his time cooking dinner. 5/10
Dad Tiger from Daniel Tiger
Sure, he’s always inviting the neighbors inside, but he’s adorable and actually does do real parenting with Daniel. Unfortunately, his lessons *always* involve singing and that’s just not it. 6/10
Theodore Shackleford from Curious George
Ted has a ton of patience and can keep the positive vibes when things go haywire. He’s raising a monkey — not an actual human — but don’t we all feel like that at times? 8/10
Dad from Trash Truck
This guy’s a good dad — attentive, sweet, and definitely into the whole ~gentle parenting~ thing. He not only accepts that his son’s best friend is a garbage truck, but he buys the VEHICLE pizza while it sleeps in his house. 9/10
Mr. Aron from Ms. Rachel
He’s still wearing his 2008 jeans from Express, so I had to dock a point. Aron is honestly talented AF and has proven to be a supportive king playing the piano off-screen while his wife shines (a.k.a entertains our little monsters for 20 minutes while we drink our coffee in peace). 9/10
Bandit from Bluey
Bandit is the ultimate DILF — no notes. He’s constantly playing with his kids, never on his phone, and makes sure his wife has time to actually get shit done. 10/10
Honorable mention to Lucky’s dad, Pat, who always understands the assignment and gives 100 percent to make the kids laugh. If we did live in a dog world, you KNOW Golden Retrievers would be the hotties.
Laura Rizzo Chagani