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Every Zodiac Sign’s Worst Nightmare…In Bed

Let’s be real, people come to astrology for one thing: to find their perfect match. To be even realer, they specifically want to find their perfect match in bed. When it comes to sexual compatibility, each sign has its own unique set of likes and — more importantly — dislikes, that are bound to get them either begging for more, or running for the door. Sure, things like a shared sense of humor or compatible interests may help initially attract you to a person, but once you’re alone and the lights are off (or on, if you’re a Leo) it’s all about whether or not your stars — and body parts — align. Here’s our breakdown of the biggest turn-offs that will give each sign an immediate ick. 

Aries: The Longtime Lover

Fast and furious – that’s how Aries likes it done. This passionate, fiery sign is all about instant gratification, and prefers a partner who’s ready and raring to go as often as they are. An ideal sexual encounter for Aries involves locking eyes from across a room and being so overwhelmed by mutual attraction that you both head off to the bathroom without saying a word. (An ex showing up randomly on their doorstep for a round of angry makeup sex is a close second.) While these quickie-lovers may be down for lengthy foreplay sessions every once in a while, they’d much rather feel like they were overtaken by a moment of passion. No wonder we call them the ram. 

Taurus: The Cuddle Killer 

Taurus is one of the most sensual signs in the Zodiac. This means they crave physical touch and don’t want it to stop just because the deed is done. For Taurus, half the fun of sex is lying around in bed after, and they won’t feel truly satisfied without the postcoital cuddle sesh. These bulls are not the ones you want to hit up when you “have to be up early in the morning,” as they will stubbornly refuse to take a partner’s hint that it’s time to GTFO. As far as they’re concerned, the sex isn’t over until breakfast the next morning. Their morning-after pancakes are to die for, BTW. 

zodiac signs in bed
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Gemini: The Strict Monogamist 

Geminis are represented by the twins, meaning anytime in bed with them is always a bit of a three way. These fun-loving signs get bored easily and are natural flirts, so they like to play the field and keep their options open…even while in a committed relationship. If you happen to swipe by the phrase “ethical non-monogamous” on the apps, you’re probably dealing with a Gemini. It’s not that they can’t commit, it’s just that they don’t see why they have to! Their ideal partner is someone who they can take along to the orgy, and who definitely won’t get jealous when they see Gemini enjoying the company of another guest. Bonus points if they can join in as well! 

Cancer: The Silent Type 

Cancers are one of the most emotionally expressive signs in the Zodiac, and that does not end at the bedroom door. Cancers love nothing more than to give and receive a steady stream of updates during sex, even if they’re just as simple as “I like that” and “Yes.” On the flip side, nothing will drive them crazier than a partner who stays silent during sex, and they’ll invariably be left wondering whether or not the other person enjoyed it at all. For Cancer, nothing is worse than a lover who stays stone-faced the whole time, only offering up a few grunts at the end to indicate they’re finished. Honestly, can you blame them?

Leo: The “Lights Off” Lover

Leos are natural exhibitionists who want to be seen at all times and nothing kills their individualist vibe more than the anonymity of the darkness. When Leo takes someone to bed, they’re putting on a show, and they want to be sure that their partner is paying attention. In fact, the more reflective surfaces their partner has around the bed the better, so Leo can steal glimpses of themselves doing the deed from all angles. You know that scene in American Psycho where Patrick Bateman is watching himself bone in the mirror? We’re pretty sure he’s a Leo. 

Virgo: The (Literally) Dirty Dog

Virgos are the Zodiac’s clean freaks and are gonna want to give any new lover’s sheets a once-over with their trusty blacklight before hopping into bed. In fact, why don’t you just come over to their place? Then they know everything is clean. Virgo has sky-high standards when it comes to their romantic partners, and a dirty duvet is all they need to see to know it’s not going to work out. If someone can’t be bothered to wash their sheets, how can you be sure they wash their – well – you know…

zodiac couple in bed
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Libra: The Foreplay Forget-er 

Libras are represented by the scales, meaning they want things to be fair and balanced at all times. That means when they get in the bedroom, they need to know that their lover is going to reciprocate. Want oral from a Libra? Then you’d better be ready to get down there and give some yourself. These air signs turn cold the moment they get a hint of selfishness in the bedroom, and have no problem ghosting on a lopsided partnership – even if their partner is mid-thrust. 

Scorpio: The Missionary Machine 

Spicy Scorpio wants to push the limits in the bedroom, meaning they’d much rather invent a new sex position than mess around with any of the tried-and-true ones. Scorpios are all about darkness, passion, and experimentation, so they want a partner who is down for just about anything. They’re way more likely to indulge a partner’s wildest kinks and fantasies than they are vanilla sex. Unless they can frame it as some kind of monk-on-nun role play scenario, of course… 

Sagittarius: The Quickie

While fellow fire sign Aries likes to burn hot and fast in bed, Sagittarius prefers more of a smolder. Sags are natural explorers who want to spend as much time as possible learning about their new partner, and they won’t feel satisfied until they’ve traversed every — ahem — crevice. These witty conversationalists have no problem stopping for a chat break, only to dive back into the love making once they’ve landed a few jokes. Archers are naturally fun loving and easy going, so they’ll never make their partner feel pressured to finish up and want the same in return, regardless of how long it takes. No wonder they take so much last-minute PTO. 

Capricorn: The Direction Disregard-er 

Capricorns want to be in charge in the bedroom, even when they’re being submissive. These signs know what they want, know what they like, and have no problem asking for it. And if someone doesn’t listen to their clear instructions? That’s gonna be a hard pass from Capricorn in the bedroom. Or the board room. Or the coffee shop. Or anywhere, really. 


Aquarius: The Sex Toy Shy 

Tech loving Aquarius has gadgets and gizmos a-plenty, and they will want a partner who is willing to indulge. Free-thinking Aquarians pride themselves on being a little bit “out there” so as far as sex is concerned, the weirder, the better. Their ultimate partner is someone who won’t be put off by their toy collection or bat an eye when Aquarius comes out of the bathroom wearing an elaborate leather ensemble. Anyone who’s not willing to risk a little rug burn getting into the sex swing need not apply. 

Pisces: The Clean Freak 

The opposite of Virgo, Pisces are more than happy to get down and dirty with a potential partner and have no problem both sharing and creating fluids. Pisces are highly creative and will happily bring whipped cream, chocolate, and all manner of lubricant into the bedroom if it means they can have a little bit more fun. For them, sex is a form of play and they have zero tolerance for debbie downers who interrupt their playdate with tedious concerns like “putting a towel down” and “not breaking the bed.” Boooooring!

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.