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A Super Chill Bride’s Feedback On The Bach Party She Said She Didn’t Wanna Plan


Subject Line: Rachel’s Witchy Bachelorette!!!!

Hi ladies,

Ahhhhh!!! IT’S FINALLY TIME TO PLAN MY BACHELORETTE! I don’t know how TF I’m actually getting married (besides withholding sex until Jon got down on his knees for a change lmao), but here we are!

As you know, I’ve been torn about where we should go, so I’ve decided I want it to be a total surprise. My fab MOH and all-time bestie, Alexa, (sry, Jenny — you understand, right?) will handle the logistics. Shouts to her for coordinating with all 27 of you while she’s knocked up. At least we’ll have a DD lol. Send her your location ideas ASAP. (Reminder: We’re doing a witchy theme, so don’t be lame.)

Okay! Yay! Love you allllllll!!!!




Subject Line: Re: Rachel’s Witchy Bachelorette!!!!

Hey ladies,

TYSM for all your input re: bach location. I know I wanted it to be a surprise, but I had Alexa FaceTime me during her cervical exam to go over your ideas just to make sure we were on the right track. We were a littleeee confused by Lauren’s suggestion of a staycation bachelorette? I know we’re trying to keep costs down, but let’s not totally slum it, okay? I still wanna feel special!

Since we’re doing witchy, we’ve tentatively settled on England since it’s kind of depressing-chic. Salem is overdone, so going international sorta feels like the move. Just think of the 10-hour flight like a sleepover (as long as we’re not in coach haha. @Lexi: your dad can get us upgraded to first class if we fly United, right?).

For now, block off all of June and July just to be safe and get those passports ready!




Subject Line: Re: Re: Rachel’s Witchy Bachelorette!!!!

In case you missed the group text, Alexa’s fucking OB won’t let her fly internationally at 38 weeks. So we’re doing NOLA at the end of June, and Nicole is taking over MOH duties for now. 

P.S. Juuuust a little reminder to pls keep your legs closed and use condoms because if any more of you bitches get pregnant, I’m gonna lose it. (JK JK SO EXCITED FOR YOU, MAMA!)


Subject Line: Re: Re: Re: Rachel’s Witchy Bachelorette!!!!

Hi hii cutie pies!

I know you’re busy plotting and planning my party, but I just wanted to send a few teeny tiny little ideas your way as you nail down all the details. I did a bit of research…nothing major! I know you’ll make me feel so special and cherished no matter what!!!! 

  • Beignets at Cafe Du Monde.
  • Maybe we could get an Airbnb that has, like, AHS: Coven vibes? Preferably one that’s haunted. I can send a few links I found if that would be helpful.
  • A witchy photoshoot around Bourbon Street? 
  • Get motorboated on the barber chair at Spirits bc if I don’t lean into my bicurious side now, I never will!!!!
  • Oh! And let’s bring beads so ppl flash us. I want this to be fun, so leave the prude shit at home. 
  • We could wear furs (faux — chill, Erica, we get it, you’re vegan) and get Vieux Carrés at the Carousel Bar! I know it’ll be over 100 degrees, but think of how cute it’d look on the grid?
  • Private ghost tour with a paranormal expert so we can get relationship advice from the dead to keep things ~sexy~
  • A second line with a full jazz band, obvi. 
  • Oysters at Antoine’s. 
  • Some sort of commitment-binding ritual? Maybe there’s an old witch in the area who can do this? Gonna assign this to you, Heather, since you had that whole emo/goth phase in 9th grade. 

I think there were a few more things I forgot, but I’ll just throw them in the chat when I remember. Make sure to check out my Pinterest for game, decor, and outfit ideas if you get stuck! The vibe is, like, The Craft meets Gossip Girl. Maybe I’ll send everyone some personalized boards if that would be helpful? Lmk! LYLAS!!!!!



Subject Line: Re: Re: Re: Re: Rachel’s Witchy Bachelorette!!!!

!! Important !! 

Alexa will be taking over MOH duties again since Nicole had her nervous breakdown after the whole bridesmaid dress incident. (Cute how she thought Dusty Rose was a good color choice, amiright?) Anyway, send any Qs her way, but keep it low-stress. Her doctor said if her BP gets any higher they’ll have to induce, and I swear to god if she misses this, I’ll make that kid an orphan lololololjkloljfsmf.

(Oh! Also, do you have notis on for the group chat, Morgan? You didn’t heart the picture of my third going-out dress option for our slutty zombie night, so I’m a bit worried you’re not taking this seriously.) 


Subject Line: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Rachel’s Witchy Bachelorette!!!!

Hi bridesbabes and leftover besties!

Just got off a FaceTime with Alexa, her OB/GYN, and the sweetest Airbnb host to finalize the deets for our stay at The Super Creepy But Also Bougie Murder House on Bourbon. As you know, it’ll be $1,450 per person for lodging, but that includes running water and wifi, so it feels like a pretty good deal. Plus! Only three people will have to sleep on the floor, so like, hard to complain, right?

Just to be safe, I went ahead and booked it, as well as our dinner reservation for Friday night and the bottomless mimosa drag brunch on Sunday. (Which reminds me: Pls don’t pack your Trump hat, Ashley, or I’ll tell everyone about that time you you-know-whated on Jimmy Schneider. 😇) I figure this way it’s all set, and you guys can focus on the rest of the details! You’re welcome! <3 


Subject Line: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Rachel’s Witchy Bachelorette!!!!

Alexa had her fucking baby. Honestly, I feel like she got pregnant just to steal the spotlight, and now she ruined my fucking bachelorette party with her kid. She’s acting like being in labor for 74 hours is such a BFD. Try having a MOH who doesn’t give a shit about your day and only cares about herself. Ugh. The baby isn’t even cute! Fuck. 


Subject Line: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Rachel’s Witchy Bachelorette!!!!

Hi loves,

Totally my bad on the reply-all. That was obviously a joke — I’m *SO* excited for Alexa and her adorable daughter, Hazel, and can’t wait to celebrate them at the baptism…which just so happens to be two weeks after the bach party she’s now bailing on! Can’t wait to celebrate you, girlie!!!!

Even though her baby literally sleeps all day, I figured I’d go ahead and finish with the party planning since she’s stopped texting me back, and her doctor’s office helped file that v dramatic restraining order. It’s prob better this way bc, let’s be real, no one has as good of taste as I do!

Check your emails soon for the full itinerary and budget breakdown, and if you haven’t sent me your travel deets yet, now’s the time. 

P.S. I’ll go ahead and Splitwise you all for my flight, lodging, attire, and meals since I know you wouldn’t want to be tacky and make the bride pay for her own party!



The Bride

Rachel Varina
Rachel Varina
Formerly one of the HBICs at Total Sorority Move (RIP), Rachel Varina has a long history of writing about things that make her parents ashamed. She's an avid lover of holding grudges, sitting down, and buffalo chicken dip. Currently, she lives in Tampa, Florida, but did not feed her husband to tigers. And even though she's married (with a *gasp* baby), she doesn't suck. Promise. PROMISE! Follow her on Instagram and Twitter (@rachelvarina) so she gets more followers than that influencer her husband dated in high school.